Today I attended the morning ladies’ meeting at my AA home group. I’ve been away for weeks and truly missed the fellowship of these strong, caring women. I reached the 90 day milestone on July 1, however hadn’t made it to a meeting to pick up my chip. Today was the day!
The meeting topic was about pain. Feeling those feelings now that we are sober and not anesthetizing anything that makes us uncomfortable. I became very emotional at the meeting. I even cried, which is something I don’t normally do in large groups. There is nothing wrong with it, it just hadn’t ever happened to me before. I thought I would feel more elated that I made 90 days without drinking, however I feel like my emotions are in a blender. I feel so happy that I’m not drinking, yet I’m dealing with so many feelings that I buried in alcohol for SO many years. It’s uncomfortable…I’m not sure I like feeling these feelings!
This is the excerpt from the 12 & 12 that we talked about today:
We heard story after story of how humility had brought strength out of weakness. In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price had purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain. We began to fear pain less, and desire humility more than ever. (Page 75, Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Steps and 12 Traditions)
It resonated so deeply with me that I began to cry. Many others shared how they dealt with loss and the pain they now felt. I realized I drank away every feeling I had while my previous husband slowly died over 18 months (cancer). I was so ashamed of who I was and that I basically checked out on alcohol when he needed me most. I’m crying again while I write this. These are things I’m finally going to feel and deal with. It’s so difficult…and sometimes it sucks! I’m grateful to be here on this sober day. And I’m grateful to all of you who walk with me on this journey. Thank you for letting me share
Good morning! Today’s topic…how do you find inner peace amongst adversity in your life?
I was doing quite well in my recovery until I let my emotions get the best of me instead of pausing when agitated or doubtful. Now, I feel like a squirrel trying to cross the road…full of spastic indecision. I’m having a hard time getting my balance back and feel really irritable. Tons of things beyond my control yet I keep taking back my self-will rather than giving it over to my HP. So basically, I have the alcoholic/addict behavior without the alcohol/drugs. I don’t feel like I have my sh!# together these days. I can’t pretend to be all calm and serene when I’m not. I guess that’s why I’m throwing it out there…meetings and readings to get back to a strong recovery. What other actions need to be taken for inner happiness?
Besides readings and meetings, I turn to support from loved ones. I also find peace in talking to my HP.
My husband is also on board again. It was so out of the blue, yesterday he asked me when I was going to my next meeting (last one was Sun.). I was surprised and grateful. Pretty sure I overdid it last time and just got burnt out on the entire program. Being married to someone who can handle alcohol has its downside. Most of the time I just feel like he doesn’t get it, so his question warmed my toesies.
Also, it was our 5 year wedding anniversary yesterday! Yay! Love all around. Kumbaya and shit.
Hi pal! Happy anniversary! I’m also married to a Normie. And yeah, she doesn’t get it. Not completly. What she does get is she is happy again. She supports me in any way she can because of that.
And she barely ever drinks now so that’s pretty cool too! She is always asking if I mind if she has a beer or a glass of wine. When she knows I don’t mind one bit. But it’s cute when she ask. Makes me feel like I’m In Charge. Lol.
Lol that’s awesome, and you are now my go to when I have questions about being an alcoholic with a normie spouse. Most of the people I have met in AA are also with others with an addiction of some sorts. The advice I’m sometimes given…hmm, I think it just helps when someone else knows and have been in your shoes.
I think he drinks less too, but when he does drink, he doesn’t ask me if it’s okay. Slightly different dynamic. That is really sweet of her to ask.
Struggled this evening with my ex, we’ve been friends and still share our dogs. Spent a bit of time together and all of a sudden he started casting stuff up blaming everything on my drinking. Really had to put my steps in to practice and let lots of resentments go on my side rather than cast them up but he clearly hasn’t let his go, this is over two years on.
I did deal with it in a much more controlled manner than I would have previously, I don’t think I got it perfect but I feel strong at how I coped, normally a massive “Fuck right off” would be building inside me but it didn’t and I remained calm, made a few points, apologised for my past actions and said I would like us to be friends if he thinks it is possible, but if not I respect his choice. I have asked him for forgiveness but advised I realise that might not be possible. I did have to leave as I was getting a bit emotional and he talked to me as though I was the shittest human being on the planet. He doesn’t see or refuses to see that there was two sides to it, I acknowledge my shit but he refuses to admit there was any on his part.
That happened a lot in our relationship too, whilst he isn’t an addict he could definitely benefit from working a programme
You did your part. Making an amends regardless if he accepts your apology or not. We are only responsible for what we do, not how others perceive it. And yes, gawd, everyone could benefit from a program. It’s frustrating when you can glaringly see someone with a bazillion defects and no tools. I know someone that has a memory like an elephant and carries around resentments from 30 years ago
Unfortunately we’re going to run into people like this. I struggle when I perceive others being unfair and not admitting their part, and I ALSO struggle with my husband. He too has a memory like a damn elephant. Lmao
For me, both exercise and yoga are totally essential for peace. Moving intentionally helps me feel more like a whole person, not an anxious mind in a tense body, but being present in whatever is. I also find a kind of comfort in the fact that I cant always do everything. Like, I cant do a headstand, or run very fast. I try, I do something, and whatever I can do today, thats enough. I find that a helpful orientation for general life.
Nice. Sounds like tough love, kind of bad ass. I haven’t sponsored someone yet, definitely not ready for that commitment, but I imagine, as a sponsor, it’d be hard to put so much work into someone and then see them go out again.
And the truth is…we are all so stubborn (a flaw of all alcoholics) that we can’t be persuaded to get sober and make it stick. Pain is the great persuader. Honesty, Open-mindedness, Willingness…without that, you’re not teachable. When we’re defiant, we refuse the help from others that came before us. There’s plenty of people willing so why bother trying to get someone to see the solution until they are ready. This disease is progressive and will bring you to your knees.
And thank you. 
. Lol.
