I’m in a little funk today. Today marks 10 years cancer took my mom. I miss her. I know I’ll see her again, but part of the hurt is that she never got to see me clean and sober…like for real. It was a daily prayer of hers. I know she would be proud. Our relationship was so full of turmoil though. But in our own and my way, we did love each other…and everything I’ve learned and been through these last ten years without her has been full of mountain tops and valleys. I wish I could talk to her…she appears in my dreams every so often and they’re so real to the point where I’ve woken up sobbing.
Alcohol used to relieve and numb a lot of that pain in the past. But what I realized and why it’s never the answer or solution, or even a temporary escape…is that nothing changed. She’s still gone and life moves on, regardless of what I do. My coping must be healthier. Must be forward thinking and applying truths and principles that will help me adjust and ever so accept the somber reality of loss.
I’m thankful and humbled for my walk with the Lord through this. He has always been there for me…although I can’t say the same back. For knowing now that it is different brings joy in my heart and a longing for the future. I also thank God for each and every one of you here in this forum. Reading, posting, hearting…24/7 non-stop. Thank you 
. Cause I need this right now. It’s not too often, but when I’m down I’ll reach out…I never used to before…I wish I didn’t waste so much time. But it’s never too late and I’m alive at this moment to make the best of it. To be present and embrace this precious life. So that’s what I’ll do…
R.I.P mom. Rest in Gods arms. I so miss you and wish you were still here. Even after 10 years I still can’t believe you’re gone. I even still have your number in my phone. I wish just for a brief moment that you could see me, your 1st born son and the fruit of your prayers that eventually came to pass. You would be so delighted and so very proud. I Love you, and until we see each other again, the gap between us will continue to shorten a little more each and every day……
