Hi all, Happy New Year!
So a rambling post from me and I think the point of it is to offer some hope. To me, and to anyone who it may help.
I’ve been drinking for 25 years. It started as a social thing and became something I just do during the majority of my free time. I don’t class myself as an alcoholic but I struggled to go a day without drinking. I wouldn’t drink to the point of blacking out but it’s fair to say my consumption is increasing. If I tried to not drink in the week it meant I drank harder at the weekend. It doesn’t stop me functioning, keeping my job, looking after the house and my two kids. But, with retrospect, it makes me less present for all of these things and makes me grumpy and angry at myself as a result.
As I write this I question my judgement that I’m not an alcoholic! But, the trigger for me trying 100 days sober were many. Probably the clearest is the disturbed sleep, accepting it’s ok to wake up with increased heart rate, hot and with a headache. And looking physically grey and washed out.
So, I stated to my wife that I was going to do 100 days sober. The idea seemed impossible. How could I if I could barely go 1 day without! The first few days were hard, I have routine and passing the beer by when I would typically have reached for one was hard. I filled the gap with positive stuff. At first, just not drinking was the goal. If it meant sitting in front of the tv all night, that was fine. Just don’t drink!!
After about a week I started to feel physically better. My wife said my skin looked healthier, I slept better, I was more engaged with my family. It was good! The majority of my social life revolves around drinking. I had dates in the diary and, one of the reasons I have never had a break from drinking, is this sense I don’t want to let people down by cancelling pre-arranged social events. So, I decided to stick to my commitments but didn’t drink. At first I said it was so I could drive. But after a while I was honest, and I told my friends I wasn’t drinking for 100 days. Almost without exception, everyone was supportive.
Around 30 days in things were great. I felt well, I was smashing my challenge, awesome. Then I picked up a usual illness that any parent of two young kids gets. It took the edge off me feeling great, but it was ok. Just disappointing, as I expected to carry on feeling better and better.
By day 60 my new routine was to not drink, so the idea of drinking seemed alien. Up to this point I’d been counting down to day 100. By now, the end target barely mattered. I was just amazed that I was doing it. I was also amazed how easy I found it! I was disappointed that more in my life hadn’t radically changed, but I began to realise it’s more about my mindset than anything else. And not drinking gave me the opportunity to have a positive mindset more easily, which helped me to change.
My 100 days ended on Christmas Eve. I was in two minds whether to have a drink but inevitably I did. And what happened…
I went back to exactly how I was. I struggle to go a day without drinking again. I’m tired, more grumpy, less engaged with people. On my Fitbit my resting heart rate is up, my sleep quality is down. Why do i drink!? Not sure. I love the buzz of that first couple of beers, but I hate everything else.
So, I started another 100 days yesterday. I recognise that my personality is all or nothing so I don’t think I can be a social drinker. Any rules that I impose on myself just don’t work. I’m not ready to accept reality which is that 100 days actually needs to be sober forever. But I’ll get there.
The point of my post? I guess it’s therapeutic for me to see reality on a page. I also want to try and give others hope. That feeling of owning my challenge, having will power, seeing positive change was way better than the buzz from the first two beers. Wish me luck, I suspect this is the start of the journey rather than the end but I’ll get there. Life without beer was definitely better.
I also note that as I drink my gambling comes back, I’m looking at new cars, I’m restless and unsatisfied generally. So, in my case, drinking is probably the cause of many of my problems and if I can take that out of the equation it’ll help me to focus on the other stuff much more easily/clearly I think.
First of all you know you can do this! You did 3 months! 
Funny trick that one!