Hello, I’m feeling incredibly vulnerable right now. You see nobody knew I drank, not even my husband. I told everybody I had quit drinking 5 years ago when I fell pregnant with my first child. Little did they know I simply began secret drinking. I’m proud to say I was able to abstain while pregnant with my boys but as soon as I stopped breastfeeding I was back on the booze. It would start small, little bottles of wine hidden in my car. One day my husband found one and the fight was terrible, he was so disappointed that I lied and hid it from him, so I became more secretive and more careful.
Because I was drinking in secret there was no accountability so it became worse and worse. I work in hospitality and there are large amounts of alcohol on the premises. I started drinking the wine at work. At first just small amounts, just to “take the edge off,” but of course it increased. Slowly needing more and more to feel satisfied but the more I drank the less control I had to stop drinking until one night I had drank so much that at the end of my shift I blacked out in the toilet. Luckily I was working with somebody I trusted and they drove me home and stayed the night with me. My husband was devastated. I have never felt so badly about myself as I did that following morning.
I continued to secret drinking for another 3 years, including drinking the work wine. I was just more careful.
Over the past year my drinking had started to spiral again. I was scared to go into bottle shops incase I was spotted so I started buying vanilla essence from the supermarket, that progressed to cooking sake because it’s cheaper and finally, I’m ashamed to say, hand sanitiser.
Night time blackouts were frequent. At least once a fortnight. I would say and do things and have no recollection. I would wake up from being passed out and do strange and awful things, open windows, stumble into walls and pee on the floor. I managed to convince my husband that I was sleepwalking brought on by 1.5 years of broken sleep due to my waking up at night, and being so tired was due to iron deficiency. I went to the doctor several times just to show my husband that I was trying to get better and find a solution but the truth was all I needed to do was stop drinking.
Recently I went to the doctor again and finally told the truth about my addiction. He prescribed me campral. I drank for the first four days while taking it but then something clicked. I just didn’t want to do it anymore, not the hungover me saying “I’ll never drink again” but this time it was different. It was real. The medication has been amazing and I rarely get cravings, if I do they’re fleeting. 12 days in and I think this is it. I really think I will never drink again.
You have come to a wonderful site for support, reinforcement of you not drinking, education, companionship, and fellow people who have quit drinking. You can learn a lot here and get ( and give others) support. I am happy for you that you have quit and think you’ll never drink again! ODAAT!
Such strength and bravery to share your story. Sharing like that will help you and us, so thank you. You’re welcome here and are in the right place. We won’t judge, we do understand, we have all been in our own versions of your situation, we will support you- of course we will - because that’s exactly what we need so why wouldn’t we give it.
Well done on choosing sobriety. Never doubt or question that choice. You got it spot on.
Stay strong, stay here.
Thank you so much. This is hard for me to talk about because I have kept it secret for so long. This has been my lonely battle for so many years and I have come to realise that perhaps the only way to make this stick is to finally be honest with myself and with other people.
Honesty is a very scary thing when you have been a secret drinker. I was
very much like you telling everyone that loved and cared about me I had stopped. In the last month I had 3 blackouts and lost hours of time all the while texting, talking, fixing dinner,and going about my evening. The next day had no memory at all!! Dr. put me on Topiromate and I have had 1 beer in 2 weeks!! I think we might do it this time!! Like you, I am just not as interested in getting that high from booze like I was. I’m so proud of you…Keep it up and keep coming back for the support! I love this place😉
80% of my drinking was secretive and deceitful. I’d go to the bar to get me an my wife a pint- and thrash a triple vodka without her knowing! Not miles away from what you were doing. Sharing your story with me and us will help you a lot…but it’s not honesty with me or us…or your husband…or anyone else that is going to be the difference between achieving change or not…its 1000% about being honest with yourself. Question everything. What has it added to my life? Has it made good stuff better/improved bad days, how has it damaged me and the people who love me, can I actually “moderate”, will I really actually “just have a couple”…
You’ve just put your hands up to deceiving family, Co workers etc and we’ll done for that step.
Now start reviewing all the lies you’ve told yourself for years…and start anticipating the lies you will start qrt telling yourself when you start “missing” that poisonous toxin that has ruined your life all these years.
I can’t believe there is somebody like me! The blackouts are crazy, I would wake up in a pit of depression, anxiety and dread just wondering what the hell did I say and do? I would try my best to remember but never could. My husband would tell me all the crazy things I said and did and I Just couldn’t believe that was me.
I have known how harmful it was for years, I have read numerous books and blogs and agreed with all of it. It’s as if there are two people here. The logical me who knows I can never have just one drink, who knows the pain and heartache it brings but then there’s the other me. The one that waits until my logical side isn’t looking then swoops in with a super strong craving or impulse. That’s what my main problem is, controlling that overwhelming opportunistic impulse.
Right?? I tried to pass mine off as low blood sugar or exhaustion from working overtime and like you “went to the Dr.” to figure out what’s wrong. Sheesh! I could lie,sneak, and cheat among the best, I d go to my car at lunch and drink straight vodka and then because we had to mask up and use a ton of hand sanitizer everybody smelled like alcohol. And my sick thinking was, wow, with covid I can get away with drinking at work and nobody will smell it! Now that my brain is starting to clear, I’m not only ashamed, and shocked but disgusted by my selfish thought process in the neverending need for alcohol. We are definitely a bunch of sickos in need of all the help and support we can get. I think though, we are going to like our sober selves once we figure out who we are and what we truly want. Have a great Sober Sunday
Wow! I thought the exact same thing! I was the only person loving the mask and sanitiser at work. Thank you for replying to me. It’s nice.to know I’m not alone
