13th Stepping, something of an inside joke within the programs of AA and NA. There obviously us no real 13th Step, but this is the term used when someone with clean time begins a relationship with someone who has less clean time.
I don’t believe my situation can actually constitute as 13th Stepping, but obviously something is bothering me about it otherwise I wouldn’t bring it up on here and tall about it to my sponsor.
Long story short: I slept with a woman I met the other night at a meeting. We talked for like 5 hours after the meeting, until almost sun rise. I truly just enjoyed our conversation, on recovery and life and everything else inbetween.
However, I’m also a sex addict. And based off of my experience in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, she is a “qualifier” of my sexual behaviors. We’ve continued having a no strings attached relationship based primarily on sex. We’re both emotionally unavailable and mentally unstable, but we support each other in recovery.
As a disclaimer, I am not new to the program, neither is she. And we aren’t afraid that an end to our relationship will cause us to drink again. We are, however, being careful.
I just felt the need to talk to my program family about this. Thank you in advance.
You kinda jumpped the gun on sex quickly. Which was probably not a good thing to do. We can still enjoy another persons body without sex. You should be taking things slow. Build a foundation with them. Talk and get close but no sex. Having sex that your not emotionally ,mentally or physically attached to could be a problem with your sex addiction. Just like porn this can be pointless or thoughtless sex. Just because its not on a screen doesnt mean your same behavior cant leak into the real world. I hope you can find a solution…
My first sober date was one year & one day. I waited. The discipline, humility & something to look forward to worked for me.
If I saw someone I was attracted to, I ran the other way. I wasn’t capable of choosing a healthy partner & no healthy partner would’ve chosen me.
13th stepping is when someone with over a year of sobriety hits on a newcomer. This does make anyone with solid sobriety cringe. It damages the reputation of the program in its entirety, it is the ultimate betrayal of trust between a vulnerable newcomer and a senior member. It’s distracting from everyone’s primary goal, awkward for those witnessing it and may cause an exit from the program (by one or the other) if the relationship ends.
My newly sober brain wasn’t capable of dividing my time between fixing me & impressing another. My new sobriety required my entire focus, I owed that to myself. I had done enough damage to others in the past… I didn’t need to add any more victims to my list.
Alcoholics are great at pushing boundaries, testing waters close to the line, bending rules & we’re really good at secrets. Don’t exclude yourself from the unofficial ‘rules’. Your future healthy partner, is waiting for you to get healthy for her…don’t throw a monkey wrench into your own recovery (or someone else’s) for a member you already described as ‘emotionally unavailable & mentally unstable’.
Totally agreed here, @Donnie_Spiering. Uncommitted sex is just going to feed into your addiction. I’m speaking from the point of being a sex addict myself. The problem with porn and masturbation is that it’s isolating and one sided. If you’re not investing in an emotional connection with this woman, you’re just using her, the same you use porn or masurbation. She may not mind, but it’s not helping you.
@Yoda-Stevie I agree that the easy path often leads to a hard life, but I don’t necessarily agree that the hard path is going to make an easy life. Life will still be hard, it will just be more rewarding.
I think you missed the point. Doing what you shouldn’t do today or not doing what you should do today is the easy path. All you will do is compound your troubles tomorrow making it harder.
Doing what you should do, or not doing what you shouldn’t do, today, makes tomorrow easier. Why? Because you faced today’s challenges today, and tomorrow’s challenges tomorrow.
I completely get shutting the sin wagon down for a period of time to allow the crazy to work itself out of us AA and NA types so that we can work on ourselves. And I get a year is probably a good start on that.
But as we move past that stage, are meaningful temporal relationships between two people who choose to express that fleeting bond in an intimate fashion really a character defect? Asking for a friend in the program.
Hey, I said I agree with the year time restriction as a start. For some, I can understand why that may (or should) be longer.
I was asking for a friend - - - after that proscribed period, whether the preference not to form a true partnership with another human being for a lt(romantic)r was a character defect. The literature tends to speak more about manipulation and codependency.
So don’t stamp your last season prada shoes at me honey.
I appreciate everyone’s words of wisdom on this matter. @BondJaneBond I especially appreciated your advice, and I wanted to add that I also take 13th Stepping very seriously within the program.
I already understand that this is a conflict with my sexual addiction, and perhaps this is just a maladaptive behavior of me swapping one addiction for another. She and I have discussed this in depth, and for us it isn’t us choosing sex in place of drugs or alcohol.
Thank you again for the responses, I appreciate it.
