A little about me. I was “born an addict”. Ever since I could remember I would be addicted to little things, whether it be a certain type of food, video games, etc… My father was a drug dealer and addict so I was constantly around drugs and violence as a kid. My father masked his addiction from everyone but I always saw what it did to him. Paranoid delusions, restlessness, nodding off unable to talk, sleeping days on end, raging out on everyone, hitting us and the dog, etc… As I got older I realized this wasn’t normal and went into a bad depression. Growing up it was also hard for me to make friends due to my social anxiety (still is) but I eventually made friends. When I was 13 I was put on medication which started it all. I would abuse my medication taking way more then I should just to escape my head and home life. I made friends that were also like me and would do benzos with them. At 15 I started to experiment a bit more. I was best friends with a drug dealer and he introduced me to lean. I tried it about 6 times but didn’t really like it. I would just much rather a pill. Everyone eventually started talking about “Molly” (MDMA) The first time I tried it at 15 it was laced with heroin and I got the worst high of my life. Everyone told me it was heroin after the fact and that I should try the real thing. I met another dealer and he gave me more then enough for my moneys worth (red flag right there) I took it and loved it. Then I tried it a few more times. Actually taking an entire gram in a night and overdosing. Months later I learned the dealer cut it with speed. I was so terrified to do it again so I stuck to snorting benzos. Pills took over my life to the point where I dropped out of high school 9th and 10th grade. Then my friend introduced me to more pure MDMA and coke … I felt hooked. I wanted to do it any opportunity I could. After feeling the effects of everything after years I told myself I wouldn’t do it anymore. I was mostly sober for 2 years and got back into high school . Occasionally I would slip and do mdma or a little coke or shrooms but I had control. Then I was almost sober from everything for a year 2018 and my friend started to obtain prescriptions for xanax, percs and klonopin. Thats when things got bad again with pills. I started to do it almost everyday then the days I didn’t I felt depressed.
After this I realized something very important that I wanted to share with all of you. The thoughts and cravings will never go away which is something we have to accept. What we can control is our enviorment. I had to cut off a lot of people (even my closest friend) because I realized enviorment is everything. My ex best friend ended up turning to meth and crack so I couldn’t stay friends with her. I watched her start to sell her body for money, rage out for no reason, steal pills from her parents and lie to everybody. I cut her off 4 months ago and still constantly think about the smart and beautiful girl she once was. In 2017 I lost a friend my age to suicide but his reasoning was drugs. He felt like he couldn’t live without it and knew that’s all his life would’ve been. Every single friend I had growing up is now addicted to drugs. I knew I couldn’t be like them.
I want more from life. I don’t want to be a slave to my addiction.
I cut them all off and moved to a new city. I don’t have very many friends now but I know that I can control who I surround myself with now. It gets reallly hard sometimes when I get upset and all I can think about is coping by railing pills. I know I have mind over matter now. No matter how much I may not like myself or life I realized drugs could never help. It’s just a factor that makes everything worse. The last thing I want to do is end up like my father or old friends …
4 months sober, healthy & happy .
I really need other people to talk to about this so I don’t feel as alone because getting sober can be VERY lonely.
