As you can see I’ve been sober for a while. In the mean time I’m trying to be support my husband who has been struggling with alcohol.
Well a month ago my husband had gotten into an accident. We almost lost him. He’s doing way better than expected and we are very grateful for all the doctors, nurses and everyone involved in saving his life. We are told he will not be the same since he suffered significant brain damage. But he’s talking and moving and with therapy, he will be ok.
My husband was drinking when the accident happened. He and his nephew ( drunk as well) decided to take the guns out for whatever reason.
Well the gun his nephew was handling went off by accident and hit my husband in the head.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m scared, angry , hurt. Maybe it because I repeatedly asked that the guns not be handled when drinking.
I’ve also asked this same nephew to please stop coming to my house with alcohol since we are trying to be a sober house.
Isa…wow…that is a bad situation. I’m glad you came here for support. Maybe this is the low for your husband and nephew. That bad thing that happens that makes them realize it is time to stop. Will there be any repercussions for the nephew? Shooting someone while drunk sounds like a crime to me. He needs a wake up call. Sending support your way. Hang in there. Hope and prayers that your husband recovers fully and quickly.
This is a heavy, heavy price to pay for mixing alcohol and guns. Sympathies to all affected by this.
The permanent nature of some of these injuries mean that not everyone will be able to move forward and put it behind them.
Devastating outcome, and a sobering reminder to us all on what can happen in an instant when drunk.
My heart goes to you, what a fatal and traumatic event. Will your husband be able to live at home with you or will he need to stay at a nursing home due to the brain damage? I’m so sorry, this is heartbraking. Can you get help to deal with the situation for yourself? Therapy, support groups …
I would like to adress the financial aspect, please don’t be offended. Depending where you live, your nephew could be sentenced to pay damage compensation in addition to the court sentence he will be convicted to. This could help covering the costs for your therapy and the help/therapy your husband will need in the future.
I pray for you and your husband
As you know handling guns when you’re drinking is not responsible gun ownership. If you are uncomfortable in your own home with guns and/or alcohol involved, call the police. Tell the people you’re going to call the police unless they get rid of the gun. If they are super drunk and you are scared, then you leave, and take those who you want to stay safe with you. And you go to a safe place.
We don’t have to tell you that the combination is not good. Big hugs for you. I’m glad that your husband has had such a good recovery so far. I hope that he’s able to quit drinking and see clearly what happened and why. Guns and alcohol.
Editing to add that I see where you have asked the nephew not to come to the house when he’s been drinking. If you want this to be a house rule you have every right to do that.
People need to respect other people’s boundaries. What’s happened in the past doesn’t have to be what always happens in the future. Hopefully your husband can support you on this.
Yeah they should not have been handling firearms while drinking that is for sure. I would tell the nephew to never show up again alcohol or no acohol. His negligence almost killed yoir husband…
Is your nephew still coming around with alcohol? What is his response to ‘the accident’ (I put that in quotes because anyone could predict what happens when booze and firearms mix).
Oh my lord, I’m so sorry God finds us at our lowest, and if you listen closely, the answers will come to you. Sending up a prayer for you and your household. Stay strong.
That is a complex tragedy and I’m sorry that it fell upon your house. The first advice I would have would be that things aren’t okay right now and that in itself is something to acknowledge. A wise person once told me that when acceptance is too big of a word for me to apply to my life or the situation then the first thing I have to do is accept my emotions. A lot of times validating how you feel about a situation by talking to people in person can help you work through some of this. Like maybe you absolutely hate your nephew right now and you think he’s a complete piece of shit maybe you even hate the husband that you currently have to take care of ( that often leaves the individual having to process both unrecognized anger as well as guilt and shame that they put on themselves for feeling the anger towards the person they’re supposed to help) while I’m not going to say it’s healthy to walk around with Hate in Your Heart I do think that it’s reasonable to have these feelings and as a first step would say that processing or coming to understand the narrative that our mind is feeding us is key so that we can understand our next steps. In addition to talking to a trusted person or a professional I think keeping a journal to be very helpful in therapeutic to work out all of the emotions this upheaval has caused you.
If nothing else show kindness to yourself first.
Inside all those thoughts and blame and everything I’m sure that finger is going to point back to yourself to some degree because we all like to rewind the tape and pretend like we could have stopped something that was out of our control. Every time those thoughts come up imagine putting them in a balloon and letting them Sail Away. I have learned in my life that I have an exceedingly small sphere of influence and it is entirely inside of my own mind. I can’t control what anyone else does nor can I change what could be a preordained fate. So I sincerely hope that you don’t waste an ounce of effort blaming yourself, ill tell you right now, “its not your fault!” I’m not trying to be kind there when I say that I mean it factually.
With brevity in mind I just want to say two other quick things.
Whether something is suffering Or Glory is often based on the mind and its perspective. If you can, with time, work, therapy and a myriad of resources get through this sober and stable then even these darkest times will be seen as parts in a glorious Triumph!! Sounds like you’re in hell right now but you will survive and you will get through this because you are strong and you are smart and even if those words don’t ring true as you read them, tell yourself them until they do ring true and you will see that they were correct the whole time. Again, it’s a perspective thing.
I know I’ve gone on about thinking but I also want to mention that if you’re in a country or an area that has good health care please get a case manager and work with them and if you have a friend that’s good at filling out paperwork or whatever talk to them too and get as much help as possible so that you don’t have to do it all alone. As with everything else many hands makes lighter work and you have a very heavy load so I pray that you will get assistance.
Take care, you’re doing great and are stronger than I.
Hopefully both of them will learn from this experience.
My nephew would not be allowed back to my house without a long stretch of sobriety, meetings, and some therapy. He has some work to do on his own.
The guns would have been dropped off at the police station, as well as the nephew, as soon as I got the chance.
As long as you don’t use, you can be the strength your husband will need. If he decides to go back to it once he’s finally home, I would give him a choice the first drink I saw him take. Rehab, or me.
I can tell you that you need to forgive them, but I think you deserve to feel hurt and angry for at least a little bit.
Sending you strength and love to get through this.
My husband is doing great! He’s awake, talking and moving. I am very grateful for all the doctors and nurses for all the wonderful help they have done. I am thankful for all our family and friends that have been there for us. It is amazing that he is alive and doing better than expected.
Update on my husband. He is doing great and undergoing thereby at this time. He is still very much incapacitated but is showing magnificent recovery. Thank you to everyone for their thoughts and prayers.
On another note. I had a question and I don’t know what to do about it. So the mother of my husbands nephew, who is being charged at the moment for 2nd degree assault, has hired a private lawyer and demands that we pay for this lawyer because she thinks it’s my husband’s fault to why her son is being charged. She blames him for having him handle the guns. Keep in mind that this nephew has a concealed permit and I thing should know the rules to handling a firearm. She insisted that my husband and given him (because he’s the favorite nephew) 2 of our cars and that we should sell them to pay for the lawyer. Now I don’t know anything about giving him the cars and the titles are still in his (husband’s) name. One of the cars belongs to me and it was his project and the other is an antique that he verbally gave to our youngest daughter.
I haven’t spoken to her for a while because she is causing me so much stress I decided to disconnect but I am hearing this from family now.
Nether you nor your husband are responsible for the nephew’s actions or for the State’s decision to prosecute him or for the mother’s decision to hire a private lawyer.
I saw her yesterday for the first time in months and she made it a point to tell me her son might be facing 2 plus years ans that every time the lawyer goes to court it’s $1500 on top of her regular fees. I just listened and pretty much ignored it. She does bring the lawyers fees up every time we talk and every time I ignore them.
Not sure if I mentioned that her son was drinking when it happened. Not sure how intoxicated he was but I’m thinking that’s why he is being charged.
I imagine she’s in a lot of pain and frightened. I was pretty good at blaming other people for my problems and fixing my anger on them rather than admit I was scared.
God finds us at our lowest, and if you listen closely, the answers will come to you. Sending up a prayer for you and your household. Stay strong.