Sorry in advance…this’ll be a long one…
Wow…this one kind of took me by surprise. I had known that 2,000 was on the horizon, but hadn’t checked my counter in quite a while because…well…life has been on FULL volume lately.
2,000 days ago I started by sober journey. Fueled by a bottom that had me: drinking upon waking to handle my hangovers, drinking every day, partaking in risky behavior to both drink and get and use drugs, unhappy, in pain, unable to handle even a GOOD day at work without needing to “blow off steam” by drinking a bottle or two of wine a night.
I had known for about a year that I was not headed down a good path. But…thankfully…that last hangover morning, I woke up…and I was DONE. As I looked in the mirror, I could see where I was headed. Either slowly, or quickly, I was killing my self.
The interesting thing though, is that I COULDNT see the other path. The me that would be if I STOPPED drinking.
Luckily…I didn’t have to be able to see that person. All I had to do (and thankfully it was ALL, because it took fucking everything I had in me) was wake up, and make the commitment to not drink or use for that day.
The first few days were a haze of sweating, headaches, smelling terrible, laying in the bath multiple times per day soaking in Epsom salt, and ordering delivery while chugging water.
Then, I had to venture OUT and find a way to put a day together that DIDNT revolve around alcohol. Honestly, I didn’t know who I was without alcohol or how to exist and “relax” without it.
But again…I didn’t HAVE to know. All I had to do was put one sober foot in front of the other.
I came on here CONSTANTLY. Read and took notice of those with significant clean time and tried to take their suggestions. I let go of the idea that I EVER knew what I was doing (because look where I had gotten myself!).
I started making sobriety my full time focus. Deleted all the numbers, changed the road I took home at night. Starting audibling recovery books and listening to podcasts. When i drove, when I walked the dogs, when I showered, when I got ready in the morning, when I ate lunch by myself.
And amazingly. It started to feel more natural. I fell into a rhythm that didn’t revolve around using and I began to find a sliver of light in my life.
2,000 days later and I’d be lying if I said that the last few years WEREN’T rough. The addict part of me even wanted to try to blame everything that happened on NOT drinking!!! “Well….literally none of this happened when you did drink…just saying…”
In sobriety, I have:
-handled my mother dying unexpectedly (and the grieving process that followed)
-put myself through graduate school during the pandemic.
-planned a wedding in 9 weeks while working full time and being in grad school
-handled shifting my entire business online in a pandemic to keep it from closing.
-dealt with infertility and made the choice to leverage my options to get pregnant
-got sued by an old landlord
-had my business flooded by someone else’s negligence and had to repair it.
-had the house I was buying flooded by someone else’s negligence and had to repair it.
-bought a car
-bought a house
-got pregnant
-moved while pregnant and working
-started a new full time position in a school district (after being part time in higher Ed for 12 years
-went into preterm labor 2.5 months early
-had my son suffer a collapsed lung and a 72 day stay in the NICU while renovating and moving into a house
-had a newborn while living in a spare bedroom with my VERY particular (ocd) father
-noticed the severe decline and started planning for the passing of my beloved dogs
Every SINGLE ONE of these instances would have been impossible for me to face and deal with properly in addiction. Every single ONE of them would have sent me running for the oblivion of the bottle.
Of course…as you read what big stressors I’ve come across…they are right there with the AMAZING things that have happened (I.e meeting my husband, buying a house, having my wonderful son etc) but THATS the funny thing about my addict brain, it gets so overwhelmed by the “stressor” that it became completely blind to the GRATITUDE I could have for the way my life was taking shape!!
So today? Today I am THANKFUL. Thankful for that morning 2,000 days ago when I woke up and…hands trembling…decided to set off on a new course. PROUD, of my willingness to keep pushing forward with clarity and sobriety (even when I was fucking terrified) and EXCITED for the unknown rollercoaster ahead.
Thank you to everyone on here for being a large part of my sober journey❤️
Hugs 
