Hello. I’m Daniel, I’m 23. I was addicted to self-harming. I know it might sound weird and not a “real” addiction like one to drugs, but it was debilitating for me. I was self-harming several times a day, and was using it to cope with any and all emotional problems. It was a part of me.
I got this Sober Time app to use as a counter to track how long I’ve been able to stop self harming. It’s actually been very helpful. It’s been like a game, where I want to see a “high score” and don’t want to have to reset the clock. Today it’s been 2 years, 8 months, 29 says since I last hurt myself.
Well I’ve been feeling really depressed lately and the most alone I’ve ever felt. I’ve felt hopeless and defeated. On top of it all I had a horrible day at work, and then driving home got in a car accident. I was feeling so panicked and terrible that I picked up a knife today and was the closest I’ve been in almost 3 years to doing it.
I know I would’ve felt a release, id have felt endorphins, in the moment I WOULD have felt better. It’s scary to know after all this time I can still get so close. I feel like I’m not actually almost 3 years sober if it’s still that close
I am so glad that you didn’t self harm yourself.
I’m glad that you came here and posted. I’m sorry that your day was so awful. I hope that your next day is better. Reach out and get the support that you need, it is here for you.
Welcome to the community.
Edit. It helps a lot of people to check in every day or every so often on the “ check in daily to maintain focus’
That might be helpful for you right now. Have you considered getting help for your depression? Perhaps you have. I’m glad you’re here.
Thank you. You’re really kind for reaching out and being welcoming. Thanks for the tip on checking in daily, I’ll have to look at that. The support means a lot because it’s hard for me to find support right now. I don’t have close family or friends to talk to about it.
I do have a therapist and I’ve tried for a while to work on my depression. It still sticks around, or it might subside for a little bit then come back even worse. It feels inescapable. And to think I’m almost 3 years clean from self harming and still came that close to relapsing is discouraging to say the least. It feels like depression will always be here to ruin everything.
It’s been a horrible day but thanks for hoping it gets better soon, I do too
This is a very caring and helpful community. You will not feel so alone and you will have support. If you post some on that checking in daily to maintain focus number 45 I think thread people will become familiar with you and your areas you need support in.
You can also post here on your own thread and as more people are familiar with you they will notice your thread… There’s lots to see here to get involved in.
There’s music, there’s art, there’s food, there’s nonsense there’s fun, there’s books, all kinds of threads for distraction, education, enjoyment.
There are other people here who self harm or who have in the past.
Again I’m glad you’re here welcome to the community and I hope that you will stick around and get the help and support that will help you.
If you’re in the United States there is also a 988 crisis line I don’t know how adequate they are right now they just got started and you also have 911. I did a post about the 988 line, you can scroll down in the feed and find it maybe in the last eight hours. I am editing this to add that it is substance abuse and mental health. Text or call 988.
Lots of help here. Right here.
I am editing again because it will only let me make three replies. If you get involved with the community here you might feel less alone.
By checking in on a routine basis it gives you accountability and you will have friends and support.
This link is for the checking in daily.
It’s great you stopped, even though you came close. You didn’t do it, and maybe try this : instead of feeling low and not great about it, turn it around because what I see is a strong person that overcome that urge, and should feel proud that they found the strength to not go ahead with it. All we can do when we have moments to self harm/use/drink and we get through it, is to try and learn something from it incase it happens again (,the urge) you know you can get through it and you know that the feelings pass they are temporary and that you will be okay when the urge passes.
Notice how well you actually got through this, you found an inner strength and I’m proud of you for coming here and reaching out, there are many in this community that have or are experiencing what you are.
You are not alone when you have us
Huge congratulations for getting over another hurdle that will make you stronger and huge congratulations on your 2 years 8 months and 28 days that is amazing time.
Stick with us, everyone here has kept me sober almost a year, the support is amazing so it’s great your here with us. The bad days and the good days when your here there is always someone to share them with, and help each other through.
Hello Daniel. Welcome.
One of the most important things that anyone ever posted on here for me was ‘No matter how far down this road I go, I’m always the same distance from the gutter’. It really helps me to keep things in perspective and to keep me on my toes. You have always been the same distance from your addiction, and you will remain so in the future. It gives me comfort to think that when things were going great and I felt a million miles away from my addiction (alcohol), I was exactly the same distance away as I was when I was climbing the walls. It somehow makes the close calls seem further away…if that makes any sense whatsoever.
Hi brother I used to self harm as a teenager thankfully I don’t struggle with this anymore. I just want to tell you how proud of you I am for staying strong and not try to feel that relief through pain, or the vision of it. You’re resilience speaks volumes man. You’re not alone just stick around man we are here for you. Much love
Thank you for sharing this perspective. It is a good reminder for all of us that we are always close by to our addiction. This will help me stay engaged with the community and the learning and work of recovery.
It’s because of the work you’ve done the past 3 years, that you didn’t do it! That is true success! Success isn’t about never being tempted or not having hard shit happen to us. We are human and thoughts and emotions are always going to be there. It’s about how we choose to respond to it, that’s what makes the difference. You passed a test! You can choose how you want to see this.
Thank you for the reply and for framing it this way. I just started reading a book “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by David Burns that’s about how to reframe our thoughts and how our thoughts create our experience. So what you said rings true for me right now in how I’m trying to see things. I appreciate the insight
You should absolutely feel proud and elated that you overcame this urge. An addiction is an addiction is an addiction. Substances are just the most “recognized” but also stigmatized form of addiction. Welcome, and yay, awesome, good for you, you can overcome this, you are worthy of a good life, you are worthy of overcoming this.
Thank you. I like that quote too, that’s powerful and you worded this really well. I think it’s important for me to see it that way… In times like this I get really upset with myself for still wanting to, and feel like even still having urges is a failure in itself. Of course that only leads me to feel even worse which means I’m even more likely to slip up, and it’s a vicious cycle. I have to learn to be kinder to myself but it’s a really difficult process.
You also remind me I need to keep up on self care and not think “I’m over it now, I don’t need to take care of myself.” Sleeping, eating right, de stressing I have to keep up on everything so I don’t get this close again, or know what to do if I do.
No matter how long it’s been i know how tough it can be, so I’m sorry you’ve been through that too. It’s really helpful to hear from someone who understands. Self harm is horrible and vicious. My brain still tells me every day that I deserve it or that it would make me feel better. It’s a constant battle, as I’m sure people here understand. Thanks for the support man, really
Yea man it’s not a pleasant situation at all fuck I remember those feelings. I guess I took it out on myself through my addictions more as I got older. But I’m here for you whenever you’re having a tough time man message me anytime. Hope you’re doing well today I’m throw a prayer for you right now
