Made it 2 years and 1 month sober from pills and alcohol. I got put on anxiety meds last month and started slowly abusing those. Last night I took a sip of whiskey. Not sure why. But I’m not sure how I feel about it. I always thought I’d be devastated if I relapsed after 2 years but honestly I just don’t care about it either way.
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Hey there,
So, I’m really glad you posted today. I’ve gotten so much from reading your posts over the last seventeen months, and I remember several in particular because they sounded so similar to how I have felt.
Hey y’all. So despite having 1.5+ years sober after 4 years of failing, I’m finally in a good place mentally and have grown in my recovery in ways I never thought possible.
The one thing that scares me is self sabotage. My faith is in a great place, mentally I’m great, emotionally I’m stronger and I feel like I finally can see clearly and am where I should’ve been a long time ago. But with that comes this voice in the back of my head that says hey, everything’s going fantastic right now which means this is where I destroy it all.
You wrote that back in March. What I have had to learn is that part of the hell of addiction is its uncanny ability to urge us to destroy it all. Things feel stable? Burn it all down!!
The thing is…maybe you do care. Maybe it is the mental component of the disease that is messing with you. In any case, deep down, you know that this is going nowhere good. Look at how you felt just eight months ago…and remember how different that feeling is.
So…all is not lost. You haven’t lost all the knowledge, skills, and growth you’ve had in the last two years. Make that one sip it - and stop the train before it details again. And know that you have all the support in the world here.
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And another reason it matters? So very much???
have a little girl who was 1 year old when I finally got sober. I honestly couldn’t do it without her, especially now that she copies LITERALLY EVERYTHING I do. I had to buy her a pretend makeup set so she’d leave mine alone. Haha but I can’t stand the thought of her seeing me drunk or high or even growing up in that environment. You absolutely can do this. Because of her, I have 1.5+ years sober and our lives have gotten so much better.
If for no other reasons - SHE IS WHY IT MATTERS. So are you.
My two cents? Go come clean with your doc. Ask to be switched to something non-addictive for the anxiety. There are SSRIs that work really well among other options. Check in here when the anxiety gets really bad. You CAN do this. You have done it before and you know what to do.
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Whatever you have been doing for the past 2 years to keep soba do it more or look into other ways to re connect into your sobriety… our addiction always wants to win that’s why we need to keep on top of our recovery every day … I had 8 months behind me felt amazing started to miss a few meetings wasn’t connected as much to my support system… bang I relapse… please don’t make the same mistake as i did x
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You just took a sip of whisky? Didn’t feel like you needed more? That says to me that your relationship with alcohol has changed over the 2 years because I’m sitting here at 30 days thinking no way I could stop at a sip. I agree with some of what’s been said here - to keep your kiddo in mind and remember why you started this journey to begin with. I’m glad you shared this on here. I don’t have tons of wisdom as I’m so new to all of this. I would consider asking for a different medication though. Sounds like a slippery slope you could be going down there. I hope you find your motivation again. Here to help however I can.
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I’m sorry guys, I full blown relapsed. After a sip of whiskey I thought I was stronger. We went to a work party, I had 6 drinks and a glass of wine. Had 2 drinks the next night and now I’m laying here contemplating my next step. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. Do I feel guilty because I’m supposed to? A part of me just doesn’t care about sobriety anymore and is happy that I’m doing what I want.
Its your life do what you feel is managable its when life is unmanageable that its a problem. We all know when it comes to mental problems it only intensifies it with no self control. Im getting to my 2 years soon and have reflected how staying sober hasnt brought complete happiness or solved all of lifes problems. Was i better off numbing problems away or thru it sober putting my feelings and emotions into my problems. As an addict taking the easy way numbing is natural and common response in mental illness… This could end up full blown that choice is yours…
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I would advise seriously reflecting on how your life has changed over your last 2 years of sobriety. Was it going in an acceptable direction, or were you just marking time until your next drink.
Thanks for sharing this and reminding me that all I have to do to stay sober is to keep saying “no” to one drink…the drink that matters…the first drink.
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Sounds like you need some more proof. So good luck with the digging. When you stop will be up to you.
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Hi @Ducky804,
I had 2 years at one point too.
When I relapsed, I kind of felt the same way at first. Yeah, it felt good. A part of my unconscious self still craves.
Sorry to hear about your relapse.
For me, the learning experiences from a relapse were more important than the sobriety itself.
I’ll say it again
The learning experiences from a relapse were more important than the sobriety itself.
What would be your learning experience?
What change do feel you should incorporate in your life today?
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Maybe the fact that you aren’t caring about anything is telling you that you aren’t in a good place from a mental health standpoint? I know you have said previously that when you go off your meds, you go downhill. I know I do.
In any case, the booze isn’t going to make it better. For me, it makes me selfish, self centered, and sick - really horrible characteristics for a mother,a partner, and a friend - hell, really horrible characteristics for a human. That’s who I become when I’m drinking.
You do not have to go back to a place where not caring is the best you can do. You deserve better. Your daughter deserves a happy mom. If you see a need to stop again, know that we will help you every step of the way.
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When I start feeling like I don’t care, it usually signals a slide in my mental health. I battle depression and anxiety — keeping those in check helps me remain sober.
Please use your tools right now: play the tape all the way to the end, if you made a list of how you were feeling when you decided to get sober, review that over and over, etc. If you are going to start drinking again, make sure it is your decision and not your mental health sabatoging you.
I’ll be thinking about you today. Please check back in and let us know how your doing.
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Wow man. I have heard your story countless times. Like the same exact story. I hear it every time I see someone that I know had some time raise their hand as a newcomer in their first 30 days of sobriety (meaning they relapsed).
The story that follows is always the same. “I had a small drink one night and was fine. Then 4 or 5 days later I had a few more. Then I thought, maybe I’m good now. Just maybe I can do this every now and again.” Then sometimes with the kicker… “maybe I just don’t even care any more”.
A month or 2 or 4 later, they are either dead or they wish they were because they are exactly back where they started.
I’m saying this from a place of love, man. This story, like alcoholism, is not unique. This is a progressive disease that is fatal. The end result is always the same.
Above is my view of the problem. It’s totally understandable that is all you can see right now because it seems so big. I can understand that. But it’s really not that big. It’s not that big if you look at the solution instead of focusing on the problem.
The solution is to not drink today. Don’t pick up that first drink, no matter what.
Something went wrong last time. You drank. Okay. That sux. Figure it out. And don’t drink. Maybe a meeting will help. Maybe talk to a therapist or counselor. And don’t drink. No matter what.
Best wishes
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When I relapsed it was slow at first. Just a drink here and a drink there, but it led to a downward spiral. I went back to maintenance drinking, and it was not sustainable. My life is much better when I don’t drink.
If you are in a place where you don’t care, maybe journal what you’re grateful for when you are maintaining your sobriety. It helps to focus on what you gain from not drinking more than it does to focus on the negatives of drinking itself. When I have the urge to drink, I think of the joy sobriety has brought me.
Of course if you have dual diagnosis which sounds to be the case, continue working with your doctor to find an appropriate treatment for you.
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