It’s painful and like pulling teeth and I hate it. I’m proud, but mostly angry. Angry I’m addicted and angry I can’t just stay in my addiction. I feel so uncomfortable and I know that is part of it but I desperately want that comfort.
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I’ve ripped my skin apart picking because of the angry energy and need for pain, I can’t eat and I’m starving. I’m just so angry
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I know.
There’s a thousand ropes pulling you in every direction and they’re all these thoughts and feelings and memories and regrets and resentments -
it is overwhelming. Just overwhelming.
You are not alone. I know it is awful, just awful. You are not alone.
Have you gone to any meetings? I have found those are a space where I can speak and be seen by people who understand. For me, that has made a big difference, emotionally.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I know it’s hard, absolutely, heart-wrenchingly, angrily, gut-punchingly hard.
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Hi @Princessbabygirl That angry energy is your addicted head and resentment s . You need to use that energy for good use keep busy do whatever it take s even tho I know you don’t want to walking s great uphill if possible ,or get on a bike be tired .That nervous angsty energy will be exhausted if you use it up and it will go for a while ,be angry at your addiction while your doing wherever it is that help for that moment let your emotions out think about POSITIVE scenarios of sobriety noting gets done in NEGATIVITY.Also never mind your chap .if it’s not affecting his life happy fucking days (he’s lying to himself using substance s like that affect everybody s life) your you a single entity and it’s MORE than fucking with YOUR life ……and guess what YOU don’t have to live like that anymore 
you’ve got this 
and we’ve got you 
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The good news, if you dont relapse…you will never have to feel like this again.
What are you doing to enhance your sobriety?
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Thank you for asking 
I made it through but now work is over and I have to go home. This is the worst time of day because all I want is to relax and be calm. But I know the pain I go through now I never want to again so I am trying. I won’t lie. I sat for a long time last night thinking about just calling and it would be so easy. But I sat with it. I think I am go to my first meeting tonight
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Go to that meeting, it will help you.
Connection is ley in recovery and you will be so welcomed there. It’s like here but then in real life. You will be amongst people who understand how hard it is to become and stay sober. So they can support you in it as well.
Good of you for not calling! Maybe delete those numbers from your phone as well? It will make it a bit easier to resist the urge when there is no easy access.
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I’m so proud of you @Princessbabygirl please Don’t think about going to that meeting …GO to that meeting ,keep positive thoughts about it all day . Your going to spin right out going in for the first time your going to be anxious it’s a normal response but I promise (I don’t make promises to people on here unless I know through experience it’s absolutely the right thing to do ) you should be elated today you’re going to meet your crew tonight mate ,people who feel and act just like you. It won’t be nearly as hard to get through your days after that meeting you’ll gain insight, comfort that others are just like you and strength from the support of them .when the devils on your shoulder today (your weed addicted brain)and it’s telling you you don’t really have to go your alright ,you tell it to fuck OFF ,all day if you to .we all wobble sometimes all of us were human ,but we talk we cry we process our feelings and we don’t pick up one day at a time . Try and tell us all your fears about the meeting today, ask us questions fill your time until the meeting with proactive decision s .your doing everything right and your still sober be really proud of your self it’s allowed 
you’ve got this girl
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Bella…whatever you feel is ok and valid…its ok to not feel ok give yourself permission for that…it is hard and uncomfortable at the start that is absolutely expected…accpet and lean in to how you feel and dont try to run from or escape…these feelings will pass once you work through them ok…remember to treat yourself with the upmost kindness…you are doing great things and are worthy of a better healthy life…sending you love and hugs 
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I thought I’d update everyone, I’m sitting in front of the meeting just wanting to go in. I’m nervous but I need this. I do hope I’m in the right place 
here we go i guess, I’ll keep you updated
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Good job! Enjoy your meeting!
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You were so right and it was the most amazing best choice I could have ever made. I got to meet beautiful people and I felt understood and accepted. It was a “just for today” meeting and I really connected with the reading about guilt. I will be back next week for sure!
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Yay:+1: @Princessbabygirl I’m so chuffed for you. I did a just for today meeting today too 
… your on your way now .that was the bravest and best decision ever !!!if you can do that you can do anything 
you’ll start enjoying your sobriety soon
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Oh, can I ever relate to this.
I am so happy that you went to a meeting. I am a firm believer that surrounding myself with like-minded people who want to find a new way to live is where I need to be.
This is why I keep going back to meetings, nobody can relate to me like another addict. Nobody has felt the pain and despair I have other than another addict. Addiction is its own kind of suffering and only we can really relate to each other.
I just wanted to touch a bit on your first post about wanting to stay in addiction, and I will speak for myself. I personally wanted this only for the numbness. The disassociation from my body and insane mind. I just couldnt get away from the pain any other way. Since being in recovery I have found other ways. I have learned ways to positively disassociate from my mind and my body. Ways like meditation and pranayama (traditional breathwork). So instead of getting out of my head and slowly commiting suicide, I get out of my head and heal all of the damge I caused over the 33 years I was using.
There is a meditation thread that you can scroll through if you’re interested. My brain was a fooking mess when I arrived, and for 2 years after that. It takes time and lots of practice, and if youre anything like me you will have a massive amount of time on your hands now that you arent using.
Meditation for Serenity 2021-2024! (tips, tricks & discussion/ 3 years running woot!)
Hope you had a good day.
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In 7 hours I’ll be at day 5. I’ve been struggling with cravings but today I am angry. I’m angry at everyone and everything. I have been not doing too bad but today something is different. I don’t even want to smoke to get high, I want to smoke to feel regulated. I think I’ve been riding the high of going to my first meeting and being proud of my sobriety but I just want to kill everyone. I don’t want to be touched, the tiniest thing sets me off. I think because yesterday was the first day I was at home and alone and that seems to be a big trigger for me. I went to my first trivia night on Friday because I knew being alone would not do well with me. I will join the gym next week but it’s not open today, but I feel like I have this crazy energy I need to get out. I’ve been cleaning my house and realising that I had been putting smoking ahead of living in a clean environment. Similarly to my health. I did talk to my partner about his smoking and my meeting and we went through the “are you an addict” pamphlet and I think it was a good chance for him to reflect. I asked if he wanted to keep smoking and he said hopefully not. He is very adamant that he doesn’t have a problem. He thinks I’m silly for going to a meeting because that’s for “real addicts who can’t function”. I explained that even though we were high functioning addicts that isn’t really functioning at all only at the bare minimum. He is proud of me though. I think he might judge me for continuing to go to meetings but it really gives me the strength and tools to stay sober. One of the pamphlets said how an addict alone is in bad company and I have never related more!!! My addiction would isolate me and I am too used to being alone. I am pushing myself to be open to social interactions. I want to do what’s best for me. Sorry this is soooo all over the place, I had so much to vent.
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Extremely proud of u for the hard work uv put into ur recovery. Ur doing the next right thing and its paying off!
This is exactly why i go to the gym. I get pent up negative energy that needs to be released or i go stir crazy. I hope that ur able to find a good gym to go to. But for the meantime, a good walk or even some stretching or jumping jacks could help. Just to move the body and release that energy.
I hope that ur able to rest tonight so that ull feel a bit better in the morning. Its okay to feel angry (as awful as it feels), its just what we do with that emotion that counts 
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Learning to sit alone with ourselves, with our feelings and thoughts in full force…and not use…that will prove a valuable tool for you.
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My partner left for work and left some weed behind. He told me he would hide it or take it but he didn’t. I sat and thought about smoking and let the anxiety eat me up. I just grabbed it and threw it into the garden. I told him and I can’t have the temptation staring me in the face for the next 8 hours. I’m proud of myself. All the thoughts in my head were stabbing me saying everyone has a little slip up and if I only had one it would be ok and it would be easy to just have one. But I knew I was tricking myself and this is my last chance to do it right and I deserve better.
@Its_me_Stella thank you so much for your advice, I definitely use as a way to dissociate, and I will try some medication and breathe work! I’m glad I’m not alone
@Butterflymoonwoman I’ve done some stretching now but I am excited to start at the gym again. It’s always been a great relief and will be another way I can get out of the house
@Aussie_Tiger I’m trying to get there, but right now, I just need to get through the day
@19801 thank you so so much for helping to convince me to go to the meeting. I can feel it will truly be the best thing for me on my journey and I just needed that push
Thank you all xx
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