Hey guys. Updating again for 25 days no opiates, if you’ve been following along you know what’s up but if not I am an opiate addict of about 13 years, started out on tabs and percs, was introduced oxy and then opana, which was my doc for about a decade until it became widely unavailable in my area at which point I progressed to heroin, which was already full of fentinyl when I started using it, as the rehab drug tests would attest to. Then this past February I lost my mom to what I believe was an overdose (the autopsy said heart attack but the circumstances assure me she was very high on the same h/fent I was doing for the first time in months having been on sub for about 6 months at that time.) I gave her my dude’s number that night and she brought me my part while I was at work. I told her to be careful, this particular stuff had been good recently. Cut to 8 hours later and I’m getting a phone call from my grandfather. I pretty much consider myself responsible for her passing. But even that didn’t make me stop using the same drugs that killed her. In fact, it made things so much worse even before the small life insurance policy I knew nothing about and had no business with that kind of money all at once. I could have died, on a 2 to 3 gram a day habit within a couple months of her death. But something struck me at that point. I just wanted to be happy again. I’ve always been such am anxious person, so many insecurities and constantly second guessing myself and my actions, while at the same time struggling with grandiose thinking and vanity as like fundamental parts of who I thought I was. big sigh I knew happiness had been possible for me before, as anxious and fucked up as I felt I was, I used to be able to find those little moments of happiness and hold onto them, and more than anything I wanted to find my way back to that. Cut to where I am now, 75 or so days clean from my DOC and 25 days free of suboxone or any other opiate. I’m proud of myself, like really proud. People around me are proud too, it feels good. I am working on rebuilding my life, so painfully slowly, minute by minute, day by day. 2 weeks into a good new job that’s better pay and more responsibility than I’ve taken on before, and so far kinda killing it if my killing it you mean barely scraping by every day doing what I need to do and not calling out or going home lol. It’s not that bad at this point, I’m lethargic and anxious and restless sometimes yes but I’m starting to learn so much about myself and the world and how I personally have to approach my life to succeed that the pep talks I give myself to get through the day are actually…working?!? Lol or at least I ignore my inner monologs annoyed at the peppiness and just get on doing what I have to do haha. But sometimes I listen to myself, and it has a positive impact. That’s powerful. I’m powerful when I put my mind to something, and that’s worth remembering! Even so, days feel real hard to get through sometimes, and all I know to do at the moment is push through, painfully, slowly. I remind myself that progress of any kind tends to be difficult, and try to be patient with myself. Overall, I’m here, I’m doing the work, I’m making progress and gaining momentum and that’s enough for today. Thanks so much for reading y’all hope everybody has a good one.
4 Likes