I always thought you had to have an effed up life to be considered an alcoholic. I’m a nuclear engineer, previously an aerospace engineer, throughout my career I never had my alcohol effect my job. Always showed up to work on time, worked hard. I was a happy drunk who could hold a good conversation 3 sheets to the wind so no one ever thought I had a problem. Over the past Memorial Day holiday, I drank an entire bottle of 86 proof rum on Friday night and then crashed out. Wasn’t sloppy or anything, just sleepy. I woke up hungover, of course, but nothing too bad. At around noon on Saturday I was in the bathroom and suddenly felt as though I would pass out. I had this surge of panic, much like a bad shrooms trip, where I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t calm down. My heart was racing and my arms were heavy. I was shaking and confused. I thought I was having a heart attack so I went to the ER. They couldn’t find anything wrong with my heart or my lab work so they gave me an IV and I hung out there for a few hours until I felt I was ok to go home. The feelings of sheer terror came on in waves while in the ER, getting more and more spaced out and less extreme. I did have very high blood pressure when they checked it and my blood pressure is always perfect otherwise. Anyway, I went home and had the same, but lesser, feelings hit me periodically for around a week. Then they went away. I figure these were panic attacks or I was going through severe DTs, but I’m not sure. I just know I told myself in that ER that my drinking days are finished and I am ready to commit to that. Wish me luck.
No luck needed, Kris. All we need in the beginning is a desire to do life differently.
I think you’re there!
Oh, and try not to rationalize, outsmart or apply quantum analysis to this. It’s best to look at it simple and know that returning to it will not benefit you in any way.
It’s all about the happy & healthy. Hugs!
Hey there and welcome!!
I’m glad you sought the care you needed when your body was asking for help; I think you will find many folks on this platform who can relate to the notion that “everything was fine until it wasn’t” - and then realizing that “fine” perhaps wasn’t actually ok either.
How’re you feeling now? What’re you doing to stay sober?
Thank you. I’m feeling great now. Probably in a bit of a pink cloud, but I’m realistic about how difficult this will be long term. Right now I’m just taking it day by day and not putting myself in situations where there is alcohol.
Fantastic. You probably stopped at a good time: it sounds like it was beginning to turn on you in a big way. I still find it wild to hear that people don’t always go through anxiety/panic for many, many years and continue on with it.
Sounds like your body was giving you a sign Kris; and you’re taking it seriously 
That’s a step in the right direction! It is possible (and awesome, and helpful) to live a life free from alcohol. One day at a time friend 
Hi Kris, and welcome to Talking Sober!
At the end of my drinking, my life was pretty fucked up, and it was the end of a long road marked by successively worse consequences. But the whole time, I suffered from alcoholism, just like you, and a highly inflated sense of my intellectual prowess. I had an advanced college degree, I was a researcher in alcoholism and drug addiction, a counseling and clinical psychologist. I could out-think alcoholism, by golly!
I had that concept of being an intellectual giant, and acted the judgmental snob about many things and most people. At my root, though, I was a scared little kid, frightened of other people, wary of them and knew that I was a physical coward with no understanding of my emotions. I used my education to (quoting the book “Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions”) “blow (myself) up into prideful balloons” and “float above most folks on (my) brainpower alone”.
I was one who did not want to join the human race, to come down off my icy intellectual mountain, and yet I absolutely craved the connection to others. I was one who was too smart for AA. I knew better, particularly that all that religious double-talk was just a ploy to get me to feel afraid of hell and too impure for heaven.
To get sober, I had to have a completely non-intellectual experience. And after that, I had to concentrate on the physical and emotional work of getting from one end of the day to the other without drinking. I had to be forced into intellectual humility to burst my pride, to make me willing to listen to people who knew how to stay sober. But once I had a seed of faith, not much more than a childish hope, really, that I could get sober, I had to become open to whatever direction was presented to me. I had to trust that the people showing my the way had my best interest at heart. They did not want anything from me except for me to try.
Your physical, almost allergic reaction, was severe. As time goes on, your alcoholism is going to try to con you into thinking it wasn’t that bad. Maybe it was just the rum, and sticking to beer or scotch will fix it. Maybe you’re exaggerating it. Maybe it won’t happen this next time. The way I had to get in front of those thoughts was to call on all the resources I had that were outside myself. The relying on my own willpower, and my experience of starting to feel better after a couple of days, of intending to stick with sobriety and then changing my mind, all that had to go. I got on Antabuse, I went to an alcohol counselor and did what she said, and I went to AA and did what they said, I went to serve my sentence for DUI and did what they said.
Years later, I came to Talking Sober for even more help and support. I have a daily practice to acknowledge my soul and feed it. I go to AA about 3 times a week and I serve my AA community. I’ve been sober a long time, and happy in that sobriety almost the whole time (after the first 3-4 months of intense cravings and anxiety). I’m still learning about staying sober, from guys like you and guys who’ve been around for decades.
It’s great to see you here. Blessings on your house 
as you begin your journey.
The reading today from “24 hours a day” expressed it so much more eloquently than I:
June 21
Meditation for the DayA truly spiritual man or woman would like to have a serene mind. The only way to keep calm in this troubled world is to have a serene mind. The calm and sane mind sees spiritual things as the true realities and material things as only temporary and fleeting. That sort of mind you can never obtain by reasoning, because your reasoning powers are limited by space and time. That kind of a mind you can never obtain by reading, because other minds are also limited in the same way. You can only have that mind by an act of faith, by making the venture of belief.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may have a calm and sane mind. I pray that I may look up, around, and away from myself.
Thank you so much. Really wise words that definitely hits home for me.
Thank you! I am at day 30 and feeling great. I am really focusing on not just quitting drinking, but really on being healthy in general. My whole life, I have had this dichotomy between being an alcoholic, but also trying to be very naturalistic and healthy. I am the kind of person who was drinking kombucha in the 90’s and have spent years at a time being vegetarian (not now). Since I quit, I have been going to the gym daily. I have a 10 mile run I signed up for in September (my company sponsors it) and it is a big deal. Not just the amount of people and the status of the run being a qualifier for something bigger, but also since I have barely been able to pull off a 5k over the past several years. So, right now, my entire focus is training myself to perform well at this 10 miler 3 months from now and representing myself and my company well. I really don’t let intrusive thoughts come into my mind about drinking. I haven’t been really tested yet, so I just hope I can carry this strength with me when some coworkers want to go hit the microbrew after work. I know I can do this.