Hi there. I know I kind of vanished for a while but here I am again and I am about 3 months clean now. I am in the process of moving out of my abusive ex’s place - I found an apartment and I already started sleeping there and spending most of my time there despite still having things I need to take from my ex’s place. It’s really weird to be completely on my own since my entire life I always lived with other people, whether they were family or just roommates, but I always had another presence in the house with me. I find myself having music playing constantly now just to not be in complete silence. I don’t have internet yet or a TV I can hook up my gaming console to so I am really bored and understimulated most of the time and this brings me to my next point.
Staying clean was mostly a financial decision for me because I owed a lot of money to my dealer and decided to just drop off his radar without paying and not getting more drugs to not inflate the debt. I still have nightmares about him finding me again and hurting me but that’s beside the point. Anyway, I was unpacking today and hidden between all my stuff I found drugs I apparently hid and forgot about. I know I should toss them but I am very reluctant to do that. I wouldn’t say I have a strong urge to use or anything but the temptation sure is there and I am very on the fence about the drugs currently in my possession. The whole moving out thing and everything it entails really stressed me out and I really want to unwind a little, and I’m just used to the chemical solution because it’s the easiest for me. The drugs I have are all stimulants but the thought process is “well at least it will put me in a good mood”. I really don’t want to throw 3 months of sobriety down the drain but also the drugs are like. Right there. And I could use a pick me up. So I’m just stalling with throwing them away because “what if I just did a line or two/took a pill or two”. Sighs.
3 months is the longest I’ve ever been sober. I only smoke cigarettes, I don’t touch any drugs or alcohol and I avoid places and people where substances are present even if it’s “just” weed or “just” a beer. But I’ll admit I miss it. There have been days when I told my best friend “man I wish I had some fent on me” or “I feel like I need some substance to get through the stress in one piece”. I am going through a lot right now and I am struggling with the most basic things like eating and showering and I don’t sleep well at all. I feel like if the music stops and I am faced with dead silence in my house I will fall apart.
I have a new therapist, and a new psychiatrist who specifically treats addicts. I have a decent treatment team actually. But I see them once a week or once every few months in the psychiatrist’s case, I am mostly on my own day to day, and it’s…rough. That’s how the thoughts get you. I don’t even have it in me to be happy about moving out since it’s stressing me out so much, I just grit my teeth and endure the process of leaving my ex for good. I don’t know. Drugs were such a huge part of me for the longest time and suddenly not having them or more like, resisting the urge to use them, feels really odd. I’m trying to find out who I am without drugs and alcohol and I know it takes time but for now I just feel really lost. Lost and alone.