Today marks 301 days sober from Alcohol. For the last 10 years of my life I was addicted to Alcohol. I tried multiple times to quit but alcohol always won. Im a textbook functioning alcoholic. This is the longest I have ever gone without drinking. Choosing to quit drinking was like loosing a loved one for me, I loved alcohol, the high I got after a couple beers, the way it made me feel warm inside, it was like a drug for me. I always knew it effected me different then it did other people. I would watch friends say āoh no I cant drink anymore!ā And I never understood how they could simply stop. I never could. I would drink until there was not one ounce of it left around me. I would use it to feel alive but doing so left me with more regret and pain. I made poor decisions while drinking that I donāt forgive myself for. I was never a mean drunk, occasionally I had my moments. By the grace of god I never got in trouble with the law from drinking except for a minor in possession that was dropped when I was 18. But the missed events, the constant state of being hungover, the countless times I had to be taken care of by friends, the promiscuous girl I became when I drank, the humiliating moments I rewind in my head, the countless times I drove extremely intoxicated putting innocent people in danger. I cant seem to let those go and they continue to torture me. I feel as if its my punishment for all the years I remained in a relationship with something so wrong for me. Alcohol was and extension of me. It was who I was and Iām ashamed. Is this a normal feeling this close to a year sober to have?
I understand exactly how you feel. Seems like our situations are pretty similar. I never got into tons of trouble with the law, the same as you i got arrested once for possession but that was when i was younger, i dont think its on my record anymore. I wasnāt mean either but also had my moments but i was never out there trying to get into a fight. I still to this day do not understand how someone can have 2 coors lights and then say that they are done. It literally baffles me because i have no idea how that feels to only have a couple beers and just not be interested anymore. I would drink everything in my damn house until every bottle was empty, it really didnāt matter what it was.
I drove intoxicated probably more times than sober from the time i got my license at 17 until i quit drinking at 23. I endangered so many people and so many things should have gone wrong but never didā¦ i could easily have multiple DUIās at this point.
Everything you said i can relate to, I am still learning how to live a life without alcohol. I still have very strong shame and guilt when i start to think about my pastā¦ but all i can do now is try and clean up my side of the street. Idk if you work a program, but for me atleast, i feel like AA is showing me a way where i can eventually forgive myself for how i used to be and act towards myself and others.
Thank you for sharing.
It is completely normal. We are human, so we have feelings. And as the chemicals in alcohol fully leave our systemā¦as they do after being sober for so long, our feelings come up moreā¦no longer dulled by those chemicalsā¦so they feel so much stronger and urgent for a time. Be gentle with yourself, you are here, the past has passed. Realize that THIS moment, this beautiful SOBER moment is where life has brought you. We all feel regret and shame even those who do not drink. We can acknowledge our wrongdoings and make amends as best we feel, but for me, living my life sober with honesty and integrity is the way forward.
Getting sober is a big deal and 301 days is huge. You should be very proud of yourself. Know that we all have pasts and pains, how we live NOW is truly how we show ourselves and the world who we are.
Forgive yourself. You did the best you could where you were. You can do better now. 
Thanks for replying, I went to AA once when I tried to quit drinking at 24. I left from there and think I stayed sober for maybe 2 days and then started drinking again. I donāt think I was really ready at the time. Iām going to try and go on my one year mark July 7th, I should probably try and go again or seek some sort of counseling. But part of me is afraid for some reason. I thought if I just stopped drinking I would feel better, I do physically and mentally as well donāt get me wrong but I still feel that sadness I tried to mask with alcohol for years.
thats one thing i keep hearing in the program. I dont just have a drinking problem, i also have a THINKING problem. AA helps us work through all aspects of recovery, giving up drinking is just the first step towards a better life.
Thank you so much I truly appreciate your response it helps to talk and be completely 100% open with my feelings regarding this. I have confided in my friends but I donāt feel as if I can be 100% honest with them about how I really feel because none of them have experienced this. Iāve always been told Iām too hard on myself my whole life. Learning how to forgive myself and live in the present has been my biggest challenge so far. Iām glad Iāve found an outlet for this journey thank you so much your words and positive encouragement mean so much to me
I think I need to go and try it againā¦ sometimes my pride gets in the way and I have a hard time being seen as someone who needs help. Everyone sees me as this strong person and Iām really not.
The particulars are sometimes different but the story is something we all have in common. Alcohol is not our friend. 301 days is awesome!!! Something to be very proud of. After reading your post it sounds like you need to forgive yourself. I also have things in my past that Iām not proud of and would do differently if I could. I canāt sit I forgive myself and try and help those who are still making them. Keep it up you are am inspiration to many for making it as long as you have!!!
301 is phenomenal!
And everything youāre feeling and going through is totally normal, once youāre in it for the long haul.
Iāve got a year and a half coming up (along with @Steve92) and thatās a lot of āone day(s) at a timeā!
There is a point to stop beating yourself up though, youāve ādone your timeā and weāve all only got the present moment to enjoy and embrace!
Seriously, fuck the past.
Thank you for sharing.
Sure, those are normal feelings. They may be out of proportion in their lingering effect, but that is a healthy reaction to the sorts of behaviors we engage in while using. It is important to move on, though. This would be a good time to start making things right with people to whom you owe apologies and recompense.
The feelings of missing a dear friend are not strange either. Not for us. Theyāre weirdo feelings too, but hell, our using is weird. That is, itās abnormal. So, just as the whole relationship weāve had with alcohol has been weird compared to people who drink, in general, but not to other addicts, our āfriendshipā with the drug is weird compared to normal drinkers, but, in a place like this, youāre the normie.
Welcome to one of those settings of understanding:)
Thank you so much! Iām so glad Iām not the only one who has theese thoughts and feelings. Iām so thankful Iām not who I used to be and can take each day and emotion as it is without drowning myself in alcohol. Learning how to accept my past has been the hardest but Iām hopeful!
Thank you so much! Itās weird to say ārelationshipā but itās always how I felt about it. Anyone else would find that weird and Iām happy to know there are others that feel the same as I. It feels good to know Iām not alone
I relate to so much of your post. Great jobā¦close to a year!! I canāt wait to be there too!
Keep moving forward @Sarahanndub. Without a time machine none of us is going to be able to change the past. All weāve got is today and, with a bit of grace, the future.
I fucked up so much in the past but every day without booze and drugs means Iām already ahead of the game, and because I can control my actions now, I know my day will be infinitely better than one involving alcohol and cocaine.
And I never wake up with āthe dreadā, which is fantastic!
It will get better. We can not change the past but we can deal with it, accept it, and move on with our lives. And part of accepting it is forgiving yourself. There are always consequences for our drinking, alwaysā¦ my last drunk, I did something I said Iād never do. But Iāve gone to AA meetings since then, stopped drinking, and have worked some of the steps. The steps have helped me in forgiving myself and others honestlyā¦ I also had a problem with not forgiving others too. I also talked about what I had done and what others had did to meā¦ I spoke with a therapist & sponsor about these things. I mean some of it I was able to talk to a friend about, but not all of it. They just didnt understand what I was going through. Alcoholics understand alcoholics, period! And in AA I was able to build a support group. And vent when needed so things didnt build up on the inside.
It just takes timeā¦ so find someone you can vent and talk to. I promise this will help!
I think youāre right. I think going to an AA meeting or maybe finding some sort of counselor will help get my feelings out and find somewhere to release all the sadness I hold on to. I have absolutely no reason to feel this way and to not be so positive but I still do. Drinking was always a way for me to mask all my emotions and now that itās gone they are all here still just now soggy from booze and a bigger pile of themā¦ I donāt even know what half of them are. thanks for your response and encouragement!