45 days and I think I can be better

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Sorry I haven’t posted much. But I’ve made it to 45 days sober, but unfortunately fell off the gambling wagon for a few days, but now I’m back on it for 2 days. Being honest with my significant other has led me to a land of confusion and heartache. I wrote out the following to her "
It has taken me most of the afternoon since our talk to get the words I need to say put down without breaking down in tears again and again. I’m going to apologize again for the failure to keep my promise on not gambling. I relapsed and take full responsibility for my failure. I know better than to do that. I won’t say it was accident, because I made the conscious decision to put the money in the machine. I am truly disappointed in myself for failing you again.

I try so hard to be the person you want, the person you love. I know he is inside and I have seen him become more dominant as the days go by, and I am very happy for who I am becoming.

I know you can’t be there for me physically all the time. But I hope you will stay by my side as I continue along the journey to becoming a sober and addiction free person.

You have inspired me to become a better person. I know that it’s not easy dealing with my failures and flaws, but I am very thankful for you showing me what I can be and a person you and everyone can be proud of.

You have become the most important thing in my world, I am so sorry that I failed you again. I hope that by showing you that I can accomplish 40+ days of not gambling you will see that I am striving to achieve the goals we have for the future.

I truly hope you will still have me in your life, you are the only thing that I want in this world.

I will continue to strive to be the best person I can for both of us. I love you so much." She was working remote today so this is the response I got “Honestly I have not had but a couple minutes throughout the day to think about everything. I’m not going to leave but I am distancing/protecting myself for a while”.

So I don’t know where to go

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I’m sorry you are going through this heartache, Stephen. You and your wife will get through this one day at a time. Gambling wasn’t my addiction, my doc is alcohol, but, I can relate to the pain of failing my spouse many times, the remorse, shame, and the fear of losing him. addiction is a very slippery road. I don’t know what supports or tools you are using to recover from your addiction, but 45 days was a good stretch. So you know you can do that again, and hopefully more. Redouble your efforts, and get more tools in place if you need to. Allow your wife to regroup as well, I know that’s hard, but really allow her the space and time she needs and focus on your recovery. Best wishes, and come here as often as you want, I know TS has been a huge help for me.
:pray:

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I’m right there with you kicker. I finally mustered up the courage to tell my spouse about my addiction. It’s been months coming. I had gambling issues when I was younger and quit cold Turkey about 7 years ago. Picked it up back in January. The look on her face when I told her mad me want to die. I can’t believe I let down my spouse and family. I don’t know where to go from here as well. Just want to take one step at a time. Here’s to day one of starting over.

-Joe

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