So I hit 4 years this last summer. I don’t know if it’s me losing my mind…. But it seems to just be slowly getting worse.
My 1-2yr were hard as expected. But I started not being able to recognize myself. They call it disassociate. It literally feels like your brain is leaving your body and you don’t know who this being is. Mirrors were my worst enemy. I often asked in meetings why am I losing my mind as I’m getting sober? Am I better off wet….?
3rd year was great! But still came with struggles. I started noticing physical ailments. So I seeked professional medical help. Still trying to figure out which is more frustrating than helpful or relieving. I don’t have a career and not inheritly rich. So insurance and seeing dr./specialist/referrals have become more a waste of time and energy than a positive.
Now here into my 4th year and to no avail it hasn’t gotten any better. Finally got into see a cardiologist, upcoming tests monitors and blah blah blah has me stressing. Now when I say it hasn’t gotten any easier I don’t mean cravings and wanting to drink. That kinda of just disappeared the beginning of my third. Which is why I said it was “great” lol. I’m talking more of being able to deal with situations emotions people life……
I also turned 35 this year. When I was 14 me my 2 same aged cousin… played my mom and a adult cousin quarters. My mom had told us that since we were always talking about drinking and wanting and blah blah blah that her and my adult cousin were going to “get us drunk” so began the game of quarters with shot glasses full of MGD and Miles Hard Lemonade…. Lol
I blacked out…. Couldn’t even stand to piss, my two other cousins were functioning and not nearly as drunk/blacked out. I can’t believe I didn’t make the decision then to never touch the stuff again. I often go back to those days and try to understand what I was going through what was I feeling to numb that pain/emotions/fear or self medicate. I still can’t figure it out….
I’m starting to accept the idea that it may not get better. The 16 years of endless fun and unmoderated use of alcohol and substances was the peak of my life….
No if I was just by myself I wouldn’t have a issue with this. But I do have a wife and 2 sons 2 and 4 years old.
Lately I haven’t felt strong enough for them. I was fired from my employer aug 2. I feel I do more damage to them my wife and to boys than I do good. I often feel they all would be better off without me.
Also went through some pretty traumatizing stuff with my family that I won’t get into bet let’s just say police, jail, restraining orders courts.
I don’t k ow I feel like I’m rambling and thought I had a point but if I did… I loss.
Sorry
Sobriety in and of itself ends the future consequences that continued use of alcohol would have caused. Have you ever sought treatment for your mental or emotional health?
It sounds like you have a lot on your mind and plenty of stuff to talk with a professional about. I know for myself that 4 years and after was when my body / mind really began letting me access all my feelings and old stuff and unresolved stuff. The drinking and drugs and such (which was my life for 40+ years) I was over for sure. But I had all this unresolved trauma and life still within me. And once sobriety got solid ish feeling, boom, time to tackle all the shit that got me here.
Maybe that’s what’s up with you? I know I always feel better after talk therapy…even when it is painful and hard and brings up all kinds of crap. The act of getting it out lets some steam out and leaves room for the good stuff to come in again.
I know money is precious. And so are you. You deserve that time to help you heal and get square for yourself and for your precious babies. I think a lot too about people being better off without me, but I know that isn’t true. Especially our kids. I hope you know you are worthy and loved. And I hope you will consider finding a therapist you click with. We all deserve a healthy healing existence. 
Glad you are here.
@DMan-562 I 1st off want to say this world would NOT be better without you. That’s the easy way out and it’s exactly what our disease wants. It wants us dead. Alcoholism is like that voice in our head telling us we aren’t worth it, it is trying to drive you back to the bottle. By chance have you worked any of the steps? You mentioned trying to figure out why you drank. I learned all this and more when I worked the steps with a sponsor who had more time than I did. I can emphasize about the poor health, I have multiple incurable diseases and have had 10 surgeries. If you have a Big Book I emplore you to read the promises, it’s what kept me coming back and not killing myself. 26 years later I can attest there’s good times, bad times, and freaking amazing times. I’d also suggest talking to a therapist or someone from your church. Lastly, research all your medications and see if any of them have black box warnings. When doctors had me on a few meds I learned cause suicidal ideations, hallucinations, depression, confusion, and loss of inhibitions. I am a 3 time suicide survivor, quitting the meds after telling doctors my intentions showed me it wasn’t me. It was mostly the meds. Just don’t give up till the mericale happens.
Your mind will be bombard with absolute lies! There’s no way around that. The only thing you can control is the second thought you have. I worked all my sobriety using AA. The program taught me to THINK, THINK, THINK. and since the malady of my problem was on a spiritual axiom. I needed work from a spiritual perspective. This isn’t from a religious belief! Although for me, it became a path of enlightenment as I practice mediation and prayer. I had to be aware and be on the lookout for dishonesty, anger, resentments, self sabotage and claiming victimhood. A lot of those items were tangled up in my past, and I needed to clean up my side of the street from an emotional and spiritual state. After this I was able to enter a stage of serenity. Only working on the things I can change, accepting the things I can not change and wisdom to know the difference. Full blown acceptance came to mind for the things I can’t change. Secondly, the only thing I can change is myself, I can’t change the behaviors or thinking of anyone else around me. I no longer try to change anyone else and I have zero expectations on what they will do. It’s a liberating feeling to know I don’t have to be in charge.
This has worked for me… I could probably write a book if I tried. I hope things get better for you. And, yes the people around you, kids and wife need you more than you can possibly imagine. Last thing, try to watch out for your motives; generally we are selfish, self-seeking and full of pride!
@Kelly.D
Thank you for the advice. I don’t want to kill myself. When I said “better off without me” I meant just me not in my wife’s/sons life anymore.
I was woken up by bad chest/heart pains I’ve been up since 12am I went to bed at 10pm. Im trying to not let this stress and anxiety do this to me but…… I’ve taken my pill and seems to be not working for me any more. My ace inhibitor seems to be only working for firsts part of my day. Idk
I never worked the steps. I get very bad anxiety and depression when I look back and get stuck in my past. It’s a very bad thing for me to do and I get stuck in a mode of self hatred self loathing and then I become suicidal.
I never worked the steps. I never found someone to help me with that. I found lots of people that I related to but none that made me feel comfortable. I’ve never felt comfortable in AA. My last attempt at a was after my 3rd dui. I’m in an area with a lot of old fashioned small minded persons. Plus the hate where I come from and for people not only in aa but the whole area find out where I’m from then assumptions are made and usually they stay clear of me and stick to they’re kind.
I took the good. Or what good I could make of it and held on to that.
But like I said lurking into my past is a very dangerous place for me. My heart problems and anxiety and stress at the moment…. I don’t think I could handle it….
I wish I could stop thinking. Sometimes it’s so bad I feel like a maniac! Sleeping but thinking and my brain is on and won’t stop.
I piss all over today because I always have one foot in my past and one foot in my future. But I’m trying really hard not to be like that. It seems like it’s something that I can no longer control and my brain is just wired that way now.
I often tell/ask my wife I need/want a lobotomy to turn off my head….
I found a psychiatrist last night that I’m going to call today and see if I can get in sometime soon. But even then lurking and getting stuck in my past is a very dangerous place for me.
I will be brutally honest with you. I had the same problem, I never wanted to go to AA. I was worried I was better than them. I was the exception to the rule. Instead of looking for the difference, I started looking for the similarities I had with people. I wanted to be in recovery, sobriety was a result of that for me. If I have a feeling of anxiety or, people are judging me. 9/10 times that a lie my mind is telling me. My addictive mind is always trying to kill me.
I respect you for not wanting to invest time in AA. Nothing changes doing the same thing as you did before.
I understand that it’s all in my head. What I don’t understand is why I can’t control it anymore. I isolate when I’m having these episodes put in meditation sounds/tones.
I know I’m not better than anything and anyone. I loved AA. I loved hearing so many people that gone through some situations I had. I loved the sense of belonging and being part of something . I tryed…. I reached out… I called I needed immediate assistance…… no one came. I was told to sleep it off and come to a meeting the next day. That night I got my 3rd dui.
I hold no resentment towards the gentlemen I reached out two nor towards AA. As a matter of fact I still continued to go to the same group after I was released. Court mandated as well. But to all them I was only the agnostic sitting in the back part time let I guess.
I wish I was able to work AA and I turn AA work me. I wanted what y’all have. Shattered dreams and unrealistic dreams I had. At that time I haven’t come to the realization that I may have some sort of mental disorder.
I’ve actually been thinking about catching a meeting and seeing how a lot of the guys are doing. I was a part of that group for two years before I stopped attending.
@DMan-562 Have you been checking your BP? The ER gave me antihistamines to bring mine down when I was going through the death of my mother who I loved with for 12 years and was her caregiver the last 6. I’ve taken people through the steps via phone, teams, zoom, and Facebook. I understand the love /hate for AA because when I moved from Baltimore to KY, people are my local meeting nearly drove me away. But I’m selfish and this is MY soberity and I was going to keep going just to piss them off. But then I found another group, just a bit further to drive. I loved how my sponsors (I’ve had many over the years) spoon fed me the steps. They were very loving and attentive, even noticed after moving me from step 3 to 4 I wasn’t emotionally or spiritually prepared for 4 and put me back on 3. I can’t explain how the steps lifted so much pain, depression, rage, and helped get me to a better more stable place. Today I LIVE in the steps, like right now I’m working 1 through 3 with what’s going on currently in my home. But with a balloon that keeps getting filled with shit, it has to go somewhere or your balloon will explode. And the steps are in order for a reason, they build on one another. Doing them out of order would have sent me to the bar!
I just know the AA groups I attend would be welcoming to you, and I know some AA groups have little clicks. I’m lucky in the sense there’s 150 different AA meetings here in a 30 mile radius. But if you don’t like a meeting find a different one. Going to AA meeting because you want to, gives a different appreciation for them.
I guess my blood pressure is high. That’s why I was put in this ace inhibitor. Which later I red is treatment for heart failure and to help people live after a heart attack.
Knowing and reading that is a buffet for my anxiety and stress and gets me going on that which in turn raises my heart rate/blood pressure and so on and so on.
I get so worked up I start shaking or jittering and can’t stay still and pace the house becaus like you said it feels like my heart is going to explode!
I have stress echo, echocardiogram and heart monitor coming soon. Follow up with primary to go over meds and blood work.
I don’t know. Kind of at a los of what to do now a days.
My asshole sponsor would normally tell me, just go to a F’ing meeting. Make a damn decision and stick with it! ( Ironically, when I wrote that I heard is stern old timers voice saying it) 
Just kidding!!!
Yes I understand wanting to go to AA gives a better appreciation.
I wanted I really did. I was only ordered to go to AA from court systems after this last dui in 2019.
The years I went to AA before was because I wanted what y’all have. Still do. But I don’t think I can get it from AA. I think I need professional mental health help.
I believe in AA I know it works. I love it even though I’m not active.
You started drinking at 14, which resonates with me as it is around the same age I started smoking dope and drinking alcohol. For me it was for a reason. It gave me an escape from the shit running around in my head and in my life. I stayed with that solution for close to 40 years. Which of course wasn’t a solution at all. Just an escape, a deeper hole I dug for myself each and every day.
I strongly feel we all have our own road to walk towards our Recovery, or Discovery as I like to call it, since their is not so much to recover for me after I started so early using. I did attend meetings in the first year. But I felt and still feel what I need for me, to truly help myself, is something else. Talking Sober is the place where I meet my peers, where I discuss my sobriety, where I give support and get supported.
For the other stuff, for the reasons I got addicted in the first place, I started psychotherapy after I got sober. Been working on myself for three years now and it is really starting to show. They say it takes four years of sobriety (and working your own personal program) to truly feel the difference and it does for me.
I’ve changed and I’m still changing. Connecting to other people, communicating, connecting to my inner self, (re)finding the connection between my body, mind and brain. Better functioning in my work and in my personal life. One day at a time. Still working on it and I will work on it for the rest of my life. Which is a work of love. Living a good life is work. It’s so worth it.
I found my program, while also still and permanently looking for better ways, to adjust that program. That’s actually part of my program. Hope you can find yours too. Wishing you all success David @DMan-562 .
I wish you all the best on your journey. DM me if you ever feel the need. My higher power in the way I understand him makes the impossible possible!
Good bye y’all. Thank you all for your wisdom. Im sorry to have wasted your time.
Good morning btw.
And good night.
No wasted time at all friend. We’re in this together and we learn together from each other.
The CNA in me wants to say, call your cardiologist. You’ll get the on call doctor after hours. Tell them your BP, symptoms, meds you’ve taken, how you responded to them, and ask what they advise you to do next. It could be as simple as taking another pill to bring your BP down to advising you to come in to their office to check you out in person. My smart watch can do an EKG/ECG as well as BP and HR. When my anxiety or my pain is bad my numbers go up. That is when I do biofeedback, a breathing technique that can bring my numbers down. I’m more concerned with your vitals since you hinted you have had a heart attack in the past. My sponsor always said, calm the immediate disturbance and address what may cause harm or damage 1st. My favorite music to do biofeedback to is Native American flute, Nakai (spelling?) I also do “tapping” where I use my index finger and middle finger to thump on my collar bone. Helps me get into the zone where I’m able to bring my vitals down.