Last fall I attempt to be sober for awhile, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted. When I gutted the day 50, it was the end of university just before Christmas + a birthday of my good friend, and I restarted drinking like I never stopped. Woke up couples of months later, on my I-dont-know-how-many-days on hangover, binge drinking to keep the post-drinking anxiety away and being able to work (or at least to look like I was working) and I realized that this has been going on for months, on and off, as my wallet and my body was able or not to take it.
To say that I reached 50 days is totally not like the last time. This time I’m far from being out of breath… I feel like I’m just starting to see again and breathe again in a new way, healthier and better way…
The numbers of “up” from being sober since almost 2 months is just ridiculous. I thoughts about naming them but it’s just too much. Let’s just group them by physically better (lost 7pounds of fat, gained 2 lbs muscles, better sleep, energy, doing triathlon which I couldn’t keep the pace before…), everyday duties are just so easy compared to before, I’ve been better at school, I get things done and psychologically Im less anxious and depressive and I have less mood swings.
BUT … I got some down moments. More this last week actually. I feel a lot more alone now. I tend to stay home or do stuff by myself instead of going with people even if they know I don’t drink and there’s no drinking involved. I like doing my stuff but at the end of the day when I get home alone I feel depressive and there’s no escape to this. I watch a movie or read or scroll on my phone, but it’s mostly boring lol. Sometime I just feel like this is boring compared to chill in a bar and talk about anything with anyone because everybody is high anyways. But at what cost… it’s not worth it. I rather be home alone then group binge-drink.
The one thing I find the hardest is this : there is no more mental pause. I feel It’s like non-stop. I’m WAY more aware then 1-2 months ago. But there’s not that weekly black out to give me a break from my head and my daily drunk end of night movie to forget a part of my life and catching up 1-2 days or weeks after. I know that I don’t want this anymore, but I find it hard to be always aware, like, mentally. I like it, but it’s hard to keep going. Maybe I just need new ways to shut my head down sometimes? When I do sports it’s working (I do that a lot), movies, reading some time works too, cooking with music… that’s pretty much it…
What are your activities to “relax” instead of using ??
Anyways. Thanks for reading guys and hope you have a good day
skillshare is a great app where you can learn new skills like drawing or painting … people share their skills by using videos to teach you amazing things. You can practice at a certain time every day to help set new rituals and routines… alsi good for a searching brain. Congratulations…