A quick follow up… There is so much to absorb in this little, book drop the rock. Im reading it just a page or 2 at a time. Im a slow reader normally but this is giving me a lot to simmer on and sit with. Thank you for the suggestion! It has been seriously helpful and a lot of ahh ha moments. I got my hard copy in the mail today finally so that makes it much easier for me to read.
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I just wanted to lend some support. I think different people will experience different steps differently, it is OK to not feel the same as others. I also read Drop the Rock. Not being religious, I took some stuff, left some stuff, didn’t understand some stuff. You are doing the work, sometimes that is hard. But it will come to fruition.
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Thank you for reaching out for support. I do appreciate that. I am doing much better accepting where I am at in the steps and feel like I am moving forward. I really appreciate the feedback in the forums, the meetings I attend, my sponsor and my counselor. I feel like they all truly contribute to my making positive headway. So, again, thank you.
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Thanks for the update.
Yes, I indeed felt that way as well. I have a really great sponsor who helped me through. For me, it was dragging up all the things in step 4, my responsibility. I think because you did it thoroughly you realized a lot of things we don’t normally think about. It’s really important to not dump on yourself or use the inventory as a list of things that reinforce the idea that “I’m a total POS” or “I’m so messed up”.
I think it’s so important to recognize those things and continue to work to improve. We are all messed up and nobody will ever be perfect. But, now you can be more self aware and mindful (key word) of you behavior and actions.
We are all evolving, I think it’s normal to feel a little down.
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Initially I was feeling a bit like a POS but was able to move beyond that and turn it around into a where do I go or rather who do I want to be from here. Lots of work to come in the future, but today I’m ready and willing to take on those challenges as they present themselves. I have a great appreciation for my new understanding that I get to choose just who I will be from this day forward, with some work, I can make that happen. I dont have to stay stuck with the same old miserable me that I used to be. And thats awesome news!
Thank you for the feedback.
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Im struggling to really break through what is going on with me. Since the day i did my 5th step I have been “off” so to speak. Ive struggeld far to often just to remain willing to stay sober. Now on step 9, i find I have simply switched addictions. Now im self punishing with over eating loads of sugar that make me sick and gain weight and im seriously over caffeinating. I wasnt drinking any caffeine just before i created this topic.
I truly and sincerely believe i was thorough with my 4th step, i work with my sponosr weekly, i attend 2 zoom AA meetings a day and almost 1 a day in person, im working with an addiction counselor and being bi polar i am consistently taking my medications. I have slacked the last 2 ish weeks on both prayer and meditation. I traded zoom AA meetings for morning readings so i let the readings slide away also.
At this point in the steps ( going off of previous sobriety) i know i should not feel as though i am only a week sober. Granted i am only 115 days sober, but the fog is back, i am easily angered, i miss the good times i enjoyed with my husband when i was drinking, i am completely jealous of his daily drinking, relaxing and living carefree. I dont have a desire to not drink so much as i have a desire NOT to reek of self pity, i have a desire to be a present and clear minded parent, i have a desire to try and overcome this self hatred i have for myself.
I know that drinking or drugging will not make anything in my life better, i know that my problem isnt drugs and alcohol, my problem is ME. I just am at a loss on how to fix me. And right now i cant see living my life every day the way its been lately which has been forced, bored, melancholy, irritable, discontent, lacking and longing.
I dont know, but it seems like no one understands where im at. Ive spoke about it in a handful of meetings and all the feedback i get is if im not willing to do the steps b.s. after ive clearly talked in depth about the step work ive done. I need someone to understand without assuming im not doing the work and proving they arent even listening. Like fawk man. 
i know they mean well but its pointless to talk if what you say continues to fall on deaf ears. Or maybe im the one thats deaf and missing something i dont know. 
What if i can’t drop the rock? What if i am the rock?
Why do i insist on continuing to punish myself one way or the other? What will it take for me to accept that i deserve peace and to just be ok again?
These are just a few questions i keep asking myself over and over again lately. Clearly i have more work to do.
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What if you do though?
Imagine just letting it go.
Imagine accepting you’re right where you need to be.
Imagine you are whole.
Let go.
You are right where you need to be.
You are whole.
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I know it really isn’t that simple. These things come and go on the best days. I also had a rebound of brain fog several months in.
Those physical feelings, I admit, re-upping meditation and exercise did wonders.
You’re doing the work though, lady. We just gotta give some of that to whatever we believe in some days. Take a big breath of that crisp autumn air and faith.
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I was just looking through guided meditations. I think you are correct there. I definitely need to get back on meditation.
Thank you for your replies. I know i still have much work to do. It does help just to get it out so it stops rolling around in my brain.
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Your struggle is palpable. I am sorry you are feeling this way at the moment.
I cannot really help at the moment. I’d like to share my favourite ‘poem’ here:
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I really admire the work you are doing. You deserve props for really tackling this head on, and keeping trying even tho those promises are not being granted.
The resenting of your husband’s drinking, could that be aided by returning to the earlier steps? I know I had to write down my insanity of drinking, and what for me was “sane”, and it made me realise that drinking was just taking me away from what I wanted to be. It really made me understand to my core that drinking just couldn’t be for me, regardless of what anyone else did. I know you have already done the work, but sometimes we need to revisit and remind ourselves why we don’t drink for ourselves.
The feeling that you “deserve” peace, maybe will come for you more after steps 8 and 9? You do of course, deserve it, but until you believe it yourself in your heart it won’t come, I think. Or taking the time each day to note down the things you do each day that are positive, helpful, such as cooking a meal, or listening to your child talk about their day. Really recognise where you are doing a good job, and allow yourself to feel like a good person.
Finally, do you do regular gratitude work? The funks do come, even with 700 odd days, and the resentment of “why do I have to work so hard just to be not miserable?” is strong. Gratitude lists for a few days usually help me to see things in the more positive side.
I know much of this you probably already “know” or are already “doing” but sometimes you have to refocus, and tackle again with a fresher mind.
At the very you least, I hope sharing has at least helped a little. 
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I’m a fan of Sarah Blondin, among others. She has some great meditations available on the app Insight Timer. (Which has just a whole lot of meditations you can scroll through.)
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Thank you @anon74766472 that is a pretty accurate poem for me lol i appreciate you sgaring that. I need to walk down a different street.
Thank you @Misokatsu wow i hear you. I read this and a small light bulb came on. I realize that i have stopped consciously taking thefirst 3 steps very single morning. I “had” made it part of my morning routine. I also stopped writing in the mornings. Im looking at my notebook right now collecting dust. I didnt realize that until i read your words. Before i wrote something, anything, daily. I do utilize the gratitud thread here in the forums but i dont think its the same as pen and paper.
@Eke thank you for the lead on insight timer. I will search that name and give a listen. I really wnjoy insight timer. I dont know why i stopped using it.
I truly appreciate all of your suggestions 
Today is a new day and i am willing to tackle this and do the work.
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I would say that the answer to this is simple, you have not been freed from self obsession. What does our literature teach us to do when we are in a constant state of self obsession?
I also fall back into this with my ED hence why I am so into service work. I really feel like somedays I am only just staying afloat with my balance between self obsession and focusing on others, its fucked. I totally understand where you are coming from and I can really relate to what you are saying. One thing that I will suggest is not to compare your experiences past and present. Youre definitely not the same person you were years ago, and maybe thats why you havent found that “freedom” because you actually did dig up some hard truths this go round. It is a lot to process in one set of steps and I like what I read above about revisiting these things with the people you trust now that shits on the table. Sometimes those rocks end up back in our bags and we end up dragging them around again… then we have to stop, dig a bit deeper, pull it out again and look at it from fresh eyes and a new angle. This is hard shit we are dealing with, lots of times really hard shit so its ok if youre not feeling like the worlds a better place after your first set of steps. I sure as hell didnt. It took me much more work than that and its on going.
I know its really hard, but try to be gentle with yourself, you are doing it. Expectations are going to rarely be met in life, I always try to remember that… 
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Thank you so much Stella. You are right, I need to stop comparing my previous step work and sobriety to today. Im not that person and my life is totally different than it was before.
Im also really self obsessed lately trying to figure out this “missing piece” that will “fix” me so to speak. I havent done any service work lately, hell im havent even poured coffee at the meetings recently. So thank you for that reminder. Definitely needed that one. Geez i have even refused chairing meetings the last couple of weeks due to my own growing resentment with the meeting i normally chair on monday and tuesdays. I passed it of today also. This behavior is NOT working a good healthy program.
I truly appreciate all the feedback and suggestions. You all have given me lots to think about and correct. Thank you for that.
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Yeah I had a rude awakening the other day while reading a book. It really shone a light on my self obsession…
Since my eating disorder flared up I have really been ontop of myself. Watching my behavior, checking my motives etc. I have been really worried that my disease was in the drivers seat. 
So fucked!!! Haha, what a contradiction hey? “Take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery show me how to live.” Then let me check myself 24/7 because I dont trust you??? Crazy…here I am trying to live by these spiritual principles and my sprituality was being hijacked by my ego. I didnt even realize it. For the last couple of weeks instead of “letting go” I have just “let be”. Its a crazy journey Shaunda, and it wont ever end.
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Every time i try to consciously work on my eating habits, i end up over eating for weeks or months end. 
good grief.
Its been really helpful to process things out on here even just since last night. Like duh shaunda, you basically took everything back from your higher power. You stopped taking steps 1-3 every morning, practically stopped praying and meditating and started over analyzing. I wonder what ever in the world the problem could be 
Ive made a conscious effort to meditate for even 2 and 3 minutes multiple times today, i stop and say the 3rd prayer repeatedly and breathing because i hold my breath a lot. I may be working step 9 but im learning the basics of life here. I gotta rememeber that.
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If you dont mind, what book are you reading? You can pm it to me if you’d rather not share it publicly.
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The one in the center is the one that I was refering to. 
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It’s not always a relief it took me 14 months n I’m just now getting released from it n it came only from god his forgiveness n mine in lots of prayer asking him to give me peace n comfort ect it’s a rough process sometimes harder for others it was really hard for me n sometimes it comes back lack of forgiving yourself I been useing n drinking since I was 6 I’m 41 n just now got 14 months clean n sobor just don’t. Give in to it or put one in you n it get better promise
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