I would say that the answer to this is simple, you have not been freed from self obsession. What does our literature teach us to do when we are in a constant state of self obsession?
I also fall back into this with my ED hence why I am so into service work. I really feel like somedays I am only just staying afloat with my balance between self obsession and focusing on others, its fucked. I totally understand where you are coming from and I can really relate to what you are saying. One thing that I will suggest is not to compare your experiences past and present. Youre definitely not the same person you were years ago, and maybe thats why you havent found that “freedom” because you actually did dig up some hard truths this go round. It is a lot to process in one set of steps and I like what I read above about revisiting these things with the people you trust now that shits on the table. Sometimes those rocks end up back in our bags and we end up dragging them around again… then we have to stop, dig a bit deeper, pull it out again and look at it from fresh eyes and a new angle. This is hard shit we are dealing with, lots of times really hard shit so its ok if youre not feeling like the worlds a better place after your first set of steps. I sure as hell didnt. It took me much more work than that and its on going.
I know its really hard, but try to be gentle with yourself, you are doing it. Expectations are going to rarely be met in life, I always try to remember that…
Thank you so much Stella. You are right, I need to stop comparing my previous step work and sobriety to today. Im not that person and my life is totally different than it was before.
Im also really self obsessed lately trying to figure out this “missing piece” that will “fix” me so to speak. I havent done any service work lately, hell im havent even poured coffee at the meetings recently. So thank you for that reminder. Definitely needed that one. Geez i have even refused chairing meetings the last couple of weeks due to my own growing resentment with the meeting i normally chair on monday and tuesdays. I passed it of today also. This behavior is NOT working a good healthy program.
I truly appreciate all the feedback and suggestions. You all have given me lots to think about and correct. Thank you for that.
Yeah I had a rude awakening the other day while reading a book. It really shone a light on my self obsession…
Since my eating disorder flared up I have really been ontop of myself. Watching my behavior, checking my motives etc. I have been really worried that my disease was in the drivers seat. So fucked!!! Haha, what a contradiction hey? “Take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery show me how to live.” Then let me check myself 24/7 because I dont trust you??? Crazy…here I am trying to live by these spiritual principles and my sprituality was being hijacked by my ego. I didnt even realize it. For the last couple of weeks instead of “letting go” I have just “let be”. Its a crazy journey Shaunda, and it wont ever end.
Every time i try to consciously work on my eating habits, i end up over eating for weeks or months end. good grief.
Its been really helpful to process things out on here even just since last night. Like duh shaunda, you basically took everything back from your higher power. You stopped taking steps 1-3 every morning, practically stopped praying and meditating and started over analyzing. I wonder what ever in the world the problem could be
Ive made a conscious effort to meditate for even 2 and 3 minutes multiple times today, i stop and say the 3rd prayer repeatedly and breathing because i hold my breath a lot. I may be working step 9 but im learning the basics of life here. I gotta rememeber that.
It’s not always a relief it took me 14 months n I’m just now getting released from it n it came only from god his forgiveness n mine in lots of prayer asking him to give me peace n comfort ect it’s a rough process sometimes harder for others it was really hard for me n sometimes it comes back lack of forgiving yourself I been useing n drinking since I was 6 I’m 41 n just now got 14 months clean n sobor just don’t. Give in to it or put one in you n it get better promise
So fucked!!! Haha, what a contradiction hey? “Take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery show me how to live.” Then let me check myself 24/7 because I dont trust you??? Crazy…here I am trying to live by these spiritual principles and my sprituality was being hijacked by my ego. I didnt even realize it. For the last couple of weeks instead of “letting go” I have just “let be”. Its a crazy journey Shaunda, and it wont ever end. 
good grief.
