Running, for me, is purely mechanical at this point. My legs churn away, but my mind is a thousand miles some other direction. This morning was no different, as I am a few hours away from “officially” being 6 months sober. I don’t know if I would’ve had a choice, really…it was 17° F when I was out there, you kind of have to go somewhere else mentally when it’s that cold.
Inevitably, I thought about the past 6 months. Where I’ve been, where I’m at, where I’m going. How thankful I am. 6 months ago I had my head buried in the toilet - sick, dehydrated, exhausted, anxious, hungover. This morning is obviously a different story.
What have I learned? I’ve learned that a certain degree of selfishness is totally fine, as long as I remain courteous and kind. I don’t have to stay in situations that make me uncomfortable. It is OK to make myself a priority. It is OK to value myself and my own feelings.
Now the important part, what do I want to work on? Two things came to mind, things I have wrestled with for years:
Being OK with imperfection - I have a tendency to be hard on myself and there is a lot of negative self-talk that goes on in my head. I want to work on being OK with imperfection, that it’s alright to make mistakes, as long as I know that I truly put my best effort in. I want to truly accept that sometimes, trying your hardest is all you can do. I am very unforgiving of myself, even with small mistakes.
Allowing myself to have fun - I have a really difficult time “loosening up” in social situations, and I don’t allow much room for fun in my life. I have this barrier built into me where I just can’t allow myself to “cut loose” and enjoy myself. I feel so rigid and uncomfortable in social situations, like last night at my cousin’s wedding. I feel like an alien around other people. I don’t want to go through my life without being able to let myself have fun, sitting through social events stone-faced and counting the minutes until I can get out of there. That’s not to say I’m unpleasant, I’ll engage with people if they talk to me…but you can bet I keep my guard up. I just wish I could be more outgoing and charismatic. I wish I could allow myself to laugh and smile freely in front of people. There’s just this tangible barrier I can feel myself hit when I try, I’m not really sure how to get over it.
Who knows, maybe I’m just not that guy. Maybe I’m not the type to be out on the dance floor, singing and dancing, not the type to be chatting people up. Maybe I need to look at this as not needing to change who I am, but rather accepting that I’m just a reserved, quiet person. To go even further, maybe I’m fine. Maybe this is all in my head and people don’t sense the anxiety in me, maybe I’m not as awkward as I think I come across. One of the “joys” of anxiety is sometimes not being able to decipher what thoughts are real, and which thoughts/perceptions are false.
I don’t have these answers quite yet, but I do know that if I weren’t sober, I would be much less equipped to work towards hashing this stuff out. I mightn’t even be asking the questions – and although the questions can frustrate me, I’m glad I am exploring them.
So, here’s to another 6 months and more. I have many of you to thank for your support and advice along the way, so THANK YOU.
Your posts always speak my mind 
Have a wonderful day 
️