This is the first time since I was 15 that I’ve made it 6 months clean and sober. This time last year, (the first time I got serious about recovery,) I relapsed 3 days before this milestone. This time around I can see similarities in my struggles but I can now identify them as being post acute withdrawal symptoms. The last 2 weeks leading up to this milestone I’ve been feeling really anxious and depressed. I can easily say this has been my hardest milestone to achieve by far. I’ve had to battle more thoughts of picking up and using in the last 2 weeks then I have in the last 6 months.
I’ve been reaching out and going to lots of meetings because I know what will happen if I don’t. It’s not that I’m going through anything really difficult and I want to cope by using, its nothing like that. Every day I feel like I’m battling thoughts of just MISSING it….missing that life, missing the people who I used with, missing the streets. And I tell myself “that’s crazy. How can I miss not knowing where I’ll lay my head down that night or where my next meal is coming from?” But is it really that crazy? Maybe it’s okay to mourn for a life that I got so very used to living. Maybe this is normal?
To top it off, I’ve been having some serious issues with being around groups of people who aren’t addicts or people in recovery. For some reason it makes me so insanely uncomfortable being around people who don’t know what it’s like to hustle every day for your next score or have never had to know what it’s like to sleep in a park every night. I try to remind myself that you never really know what someone has gone through in life but it doesn’t help make me feel better. The thought of putting on a fake smile and being social with people that I can’t relate to makes me break down. I don’t know how I’ll be able to get back to work and put on my customer service face when I can hardly make it half a day without thinking about smoking dope.
Sorry for the rant. I just feel so tired of fighting with myself every day. I’m 6 months clean today and rather then feeling proud of myself, all I feel is exhausted from trying to make it to tomorrow clean when all I want to do is throw my hands in the air and say fuck it.
I get this. I grieve the loss of a time when things seemed simpler. It’s a fake thought - the truth is, they were only simpler in the way that closing your eyes & burying your head in the sand is simpler (if I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist right? Problem-free life 
) - but it still pulls on the heartstrings.
I don’t have an easy answer. I will say that more than one person here on TS has commented that life sober is harder than life not sober. You’re making more money probably (or at least steadier money) but you’re using it mostly for life responsibilities. You’ve got to balance other peoples needs and your own. It’s emotionally and often physically tiring. It’s worth it - it’s definitely worth it - but it’s hard.
Re: being around people not in recovery. I also find it tiring. It’s not impossible but it is a weird feeling sometimes. I remember one time someone was chatting with me about a yoga studio she loved in our city and I asked if they did men-only classes. She thought I meant something about yoga geared to the male physique. (The real reason I asked is I’m in recovery from sex addiction and I just find it easier to be in some environments without women. It’s got nothing to do with the women - it’s not their fault in any way - but because of my addiction history I find it easier to focus on things like yoga, etc, in spaces where I don’t have to devote mental energy to being on guard for unhelpful thoughts.)
Being on guard for unhelpful thoughts and situations. That is something only an addict in recovery can understand. That being on guard, takes energy.
I have made close friendships with people who are not in addiction recovery, but in all cases they are people who I feel comfortable telling about my addiction, and I do tell them. I also have more casual friend groups but we do things like BBQs etc, hikes, simple activities.
Keeping in touch with my sober community here on TS and in my city is helpful. It’s like a grounding, centring thing - it means I always have a space I can talk about everything.
Thank you so much. Yes I completely agree with what you said about “burying my head in the sand.” Life I’m addiction is like life in a void, where the only thing I have to think about in my day is myself. My addiction was me throwing my hands in the air and now doing anything at all with my life. But as I go to meetings and hear testimonies of people with years of clean time, I have hope and faith that this will pass and it will get easier.
It will. It will get easier in the same way cooking or exercise get easier with practice. You’ll get it, and you’ll get it a little more each day, one day at a time 