6 months clean and sober from drugs and alcohol today! But also 6 months since the accident. I’ve been kind of dreading this day and just waiting for it to pass. They put me on antipsychotics recently to help quell the flashbacks and severe anxiety. I took a few last night along with my other anxiety meds and slept for like 15 hours. I dreamt of having a bottle. I didn’t drink it, but in my dream I had it wherever I went and was hiding it. I don’t really want to drink today, but it’s a heavy day.
My friends mom called me yesterday and let me know her other son was in jail and she feels as though her family is cursed and she’s a bad mom. I feel partially responsible and I feel like I’m ruining this families life. Today is hard and I’m trying to find a distraction or go out and do something nice for myself but, I’m still in bed.
Thank you for being here and being supportive along the ride of my journey. I appreciate you all very much. 
He’s in jail for kicking the shit out of some kid for fucking his ex girlfriend and selling her heroin, but he said he also thought of me because said kid had assaulted me a while back…
Which makes you a victim of assault, not at fault for the actions of others.
Congratulations on 6 months! I know it’s difficult for you but try to see the positive changes you’ve made because we certainly have. Sending you strength and love to get through these tough times. 
Oh Knives. That is hard. That is so heartbreaking.
I see you and I accept you. It’s ok to not feel ok. You’re still a good person.
What you have done or not done, does not make you undeserving: of peace, of worthiness, of belonging.
Your history is hard to bear. But it is important. And it may not be something you see now - but it is important for other people too. Every other person. We’re all here with you in the world. And we need you with us, fully, here, on the journey.
This is one of the moments when you’re face to face with all of life. You are not in charge of it. You’re one person, as accountable as any of us, and all of us; you are as human, blessed and fallible as any of us.
You are needed Knives, in all your imperfect perfection. You belong. You are a rich, deep, precious human, all of you & everything you’ve done and not done. It’s precious and sacred and irreplaceable and it’s made you who you are (and it makes the world the rich place it is for the rest of us).
You matter Knives. We need you here. You need you here. And you’re ok.
Thanks everyone
I got out of bed, got dessert coffee (quad blended caramel hemp milk with whip!), took myself out for a nice dinner and thought about ordering a martini but had a soda bitters with lime instead, went to a meeting and got my keytag, and now I’m cuddling with my friend, her kid and the cat on her couch after they sang me happy birthday and fed me cake. Not as bad as I thought it would be.
The support is appreciated y’all.
Well done on 6 months!! Go easy on yourself, you are a lovely strong person. You deserve to be happy! Breathe, cuddle and relax. It will all be ok, I promise. Good job on the soda and not the martini! Each time we decide to go for a soft drink instead of the booze we get stronger! Sending hugs to you my friend! 
