I’m six weeks sober from alcohol. Proud of me. This is my first ever post on any form of sober platform or sober social media group. So its a big step. And a bit scary. I hope I am not posting this in the wrong thread.
I’ve been trying to get sober for three years now. I’m alone in this journey. My friends and family have no interest and are dismissive of any need for me to give up alcohol or making comments that take the wind out of my sails. “You don’t have a problem”, “oh you’re premenopausal its not the alcohol” “all those alcohol free drinks are probably full of sugar and bad for you” and from my mother “don’t tell anyone you’re doing this” as for her alcohol is good and normal, and sober people are full of shame.
When I told my sister she made a point of going out and buying a bottle of white wine, drinking two glasses at dinner (to demonstrate her ability to moderate) and leaving the rest in my fridge. She knows what “real” alcoholics and addicts are and what people with “real” depression are like, as she has many inspiring friends who’ve gone through some truly bad times (unlike me), and I, according to her, am not a sufferer of either. I didn’t drink her leftover wine by the way.
It’s hard to do this when the people you have to spend day in day out with, that are meant to love and cheer for you, are unable to muster even a “well done” or “keep it up”. I try to place myself in their shoes, but for me I could only ever imagine myself saying - oh wow good on you. It would never cross my mind to dismiss someone sharing something so personal and in such a vulnerable state and insinuate they are exaggerating the seriousness of their problem, as you never know what’s truly going on in someone’s life and what might be below the surface.
This is a huge thing for me. My mind and body were broken by alcohol. I had horrific anxiety, memory loss and a constant sense of doom, of rising panic and dread. I would punch and slap myself in the face and regularly think of suicide. The base of my tongue would swell up and I would have the sensation of not being able to breathe on a regular basis. My teeth have been damaged and broken from stress and alcohol induced grinding. My anxiety led to food intolerances, weight gain and then disordered eating from toxic diet culture cures I sought out to fix things. I lost my sense of smell and taste from drinking too much which made my relationship with food additionally stressful. I hated myself and I’m still struggling with that right now. I can’t look in the mirror yet, but I’ve had fleeting moments of happiness in the last six weeks and contentment that have broken through the clouds. My senses were very dulled by alcohol in general, such as colours and enjoying nature. That’s starting to lift and I can smile at the autumn colours again.
My relationship with food is getting better as my ability to taste and smell returns. Its a tricky balance because I want to lose weight, but I have to repair my mental health and relationship with food alongside sobriety. But being sober is the main goal and I have to accept my weight as it is for now. I have to accept I am surrounded by friends and family that are “normal weight” but drink. Despite me being technically the healthiest person in the room now, I’m still pitied as the unhealthy one because of the visual appearance of my weight. So that’s annoying! But I won’t let it drag me back down to the dark pit of despair that is alcohol. I have hope now. Eventually, somehow I will regain my strength and fitness again.
I know I must eat in a high protein calorie deficit to make the change, but do it in a joyful self caring way. Food must be a happy place, not a punishment. I’m getting there with this. I need to practice self care before I can start to introduce any form of another ‘deficit’ into my life having taken alcohol out not so long ago.
Making oats and blueberries with cinnamon without guilt. Sourdough toast with poached egg. Letting myself have these previously “bad” foods (i.e toxic diet culture) and allowing myself to find joy in them. I can almost feel my brain repairing itself each time I get through a meal without guilt or panic.
I believe in my story. What is happening to me is real and belongs to me. My recovery is real and I deserve this.
If anyone reading this also has this issue, of people around you in your life, not wanting to allow you to own and tell your story how you see it - I just want to say to you, I believe you. You are not a fraud. What you say, feel and experience are true and valid. Your trauma and pain exists. And your achievement in getting through every new day is hard won and glorious.
So six weeks! I would really love to receive messages to say congrats, it would mean so much.
Thanks for reading,
Rose
A lot of your story sounds so similar to mine. The depression alcohol caused was something I’d never experienced before. I gained a lot of weight fast in my last 3 years drinking. It took me a long time before I was able to look at myself in the mirror. Treat yourself kindly. The benefits of sobriety will keep coming gradually. And even if the only thing you get done today is not drink, that’s a win 
Welcome 
in the top right corner. You are posting this in the right spot that tip was just in case you wanted to read stories others have posted about similar struggles.
