So the first month and a half were very easy, as ive said previously. It hardly even crossed my mind, and when it did i easily dismissed it. And as expected things got more difficult when all the “shiny” wore off. The urge has grown like a mold. One day, a small thought i instantly recognized as a seed of temptation and rationalization had enough credibility to give a second thought to before dismissing it. “Thats an evil thought” i said to myself. I think it was something about maybe being able to control it now, or moderate it since i was able to quit and make it this far. Fast forward a couple weeks and im strenuously fighting not to turn into the liquor store as i pass it. Averting my eyes from the alcohol aisle at the gas station. Even now im telling myself not to see if my local L is still open because i have no business with that information. I try to focus on the “why not” but the urge is… loud. It pushes away anything that doesnt serve its goal. Its hard to even play the thoughts out in my head. I terminated it last night by remembering how i felt when i woke up from relapse dreams. But here i am again fighting the same fight. How many days in a row can i win? Most dismaying of all is the decaying sense of purpose behind the sobriety. That “you might be an alcoholic when” thread actually did mess with me a little. I read through those horror stories and thought to myself “it was never even remotely close to that bad” and it made me wonder if all this effort and struggle is really worth it. Having thoughts like “most people have a relapse or two” or “maybe one more try at moderation” or “i quit once i can quit again if it doesnt work out” its like someone came and dumped out my toolbox. Nothing is easy now. Success only comes from grueling, stoney, white knuckled determination. I really dont want to go to a meeting but im really considering it, if for no other reason than its something that will pass time and is sobriety based. And maybe something good will come of it. I have no support system.
“The typical question is, Is this bad enough for me to have to change?
The question we should be asking is, Is this good enough for me to stay the same?
And the real question underneath it all is, Am I free?”
― Laura McKowen, We Are the Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life
I am 30 years into this journey. I am not back to 60 days. None of the horror stories ever happened to me and alcohol still invades my ability to live the life I want.
Get on an online meeting, if you’re able. You don’t even have to talk or have your camera on. Just dip your toe in that water. Reread your early posts. Drown out this craving voice with your the one that wants to be sober.
Hey Nick.
Congratulations on your 61 days. That’s HUGE.
Those first ten days or 2 weeks is what I’ve read so many people say are the hardest. I’ve said it myself. But truthfully there’s lots of hards days. And there’s lots of good days.
From what I’m reading here it sounds to me like your addicted brain is trying to fuck with your sobriety and you got some stinking thinking going on. Almost like your trying to justify a relapse. Gosh. Just think of all the hard work you’ve done getting here.
I always said. If my life became unmanageable I would go to a meeting. That way I can be with people that know more about recovery than I do. And it helped me.
Have you tried any Zoom meetings? You can just listen. No one will see you. Although I prefer in person meetings. I hate zoom.
Another thing I found helpful was audio of the Big Book Chapter 3.
Staying active on here sharing and supporting helps me stay sober too.
I don’t think I have another recovery in me. I don’t think I could start over.
So I’m not drinking today. And I’m probably not drinking tomorrow.
ODAAT.
Hi Nick and congrats on your sober time. Your reflexion is very relatable and well written. I hope you can sort through that fork in the way you’re at.
I gotta stop you right here. That’s not true at all. Success comes from continually and engagedly putting in the work it takes to uncover the reasons you drink, what you drink at, and change your life in such a way as to need to escape it and change your feelings about it less. Improve your life. Get to know your actual wishes and needs and learn about how and how much of those you can provide for, in reality, not by escaping in drink.
What you talk about is called white knuckling and that’s not a positive term in the recovery context. So it makes absolute sense that if you’ve relied upon it so far for your sobriety, it is by now used up as a helpful means. Which is what you’re experiencing in your ugres and inner bargaining with your addiction.
Time to step up your game. There are a lot of resources, here’s a comprehensive list: Resources for our recovery
Get busy. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You say you don’t want to go to meetings. That is fine as a preference. But I personally would not rule it out. Would you rather not go to meetings or rather not stay sober? You’d be surprised at what you can learn and feel there if you give it an open-minded chance. No one is going to force you to sign away your soul. Take what you need and leave the rest, as they say.
Best of luck. You are already lucky enough to realise before relapse that you need to do more. Many don’t have this insight. Use it my friend!
Alcoholism is progressive. Those bad things haven’t happen to you…YET. Aren’t all the bad things that have happened already bad enough? I didn’t hit that nasty rock bottom either but I sure do have so so many regrets and embarrassing moments. But that’s looking at the glass half empty! Let’s look at the glass half full- the wonderful things that come with sobriety! Health, money, great relationships, and my favorite so far… travel!! Think of all the wonderful things sobriety brings too 
And if a meeting does nothing more than keep you from drinking, then what have you got to lose? Sending strength and wisdom 
I know my low wasn’t as bad as many, another reason why meetings in the flesh help me. The millions that came before me & share what happened in bits/pieces, I believe, is so I can feel good about being me again and an active member in that room.
If this wasn’t tough or a daily fight we all would have been fine and figured it out by ourselves…
Hell of an inside job, isn’t it? And even when we get sober, it still keeps trying. It lessens with time and by working with others who also suffer. Hugs to ya on your days and the meeting will likely help. Sure as shit won’t hurt you.
Try reading easyway by Allen Carr, it has helped me.
Hey so fuck dude… the first few months are crazy up and down. Feeling between proud and shame. My doc isn’t alcohol and I find that one is more thought because it’s everyhere. As soon as I got out of treatment with 60 days my husband overdosed. I can’t help but think if I didn’t get help he’d still be alive…. But I could also be dead. It’s almost 9 months for me and I wish I could say everything gets better… but it’s a long journey. Breathe … you got this
OMG Maude big hugs You are so strong.