Hi Nick and congrats on your sober time. Your reflexion is very relatable and well written. I hope you can sort through that fork in the way you’re at.
I gotta stop you right here. That’s not true at all. Success comes from continually and engagedly putting in the work it takes to uncover the reasons you drink, what you drink at, and change your life in such a way as to need to escape it and change your feelings about it less. Improve your life. Get to know your actual wishes and needs and learn about how and how much of those you can provide for, in reality, not by escaping in drink.
What you talk about is called white knuckling and that’s not a positive term in the recovery context. So it makes absolute sense that if you’ve relied upon it so far for your sobriety, it is by now used up as a helpful means. Which is what you’re experiencing in your ugres and inner bargaining with your addiction.
Time to step up your game. There are a lot of resources, here’s a comprehensive list: Resources for our recovery
Get busy. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You say you don’t want to go to meetings. That is fine as a preference. But I personally would not rule it out. Would you rather not go to meetings or rather not stay sober? You’d be surprised at what you can learn and feel there if you give it an open-minded chance. No one is going to force you to sign away your soul. Take what you need and leave the rest, as they say.
Best of luck. You are already lucky enough to realise before relapse that you need to do more. Many don’t have this insight. Use it my friend!