I want to vent. I need an outlet that is safe and free from critical eyes.
Yesterday was 90 days alcohol free. The day prior, day 89, I asked Dave if he knew what the next day was and he named day 120. I know he didn’t mean anything by it. I know it wasn’t meant as a dig or in any way negative.
But it tainted it for me. Took away its importance.
Instead of being proud of sticking to something so difficult and something that had been a daily habit for a very long time, I was ashamed that it hadn’t been longer. That I have this issue in the first place. It made me feel like a failure.
So 90 days came and went. And I didn’t mention it. And neither did anyone else. And I’m hurt by it.
I am hurt that I was demanded to make this change “or else…” and yet nobody cared enough to remember I changed my entire drinking habits. I am hurt that I did this hard thing for so long without waver and yet nobody noticed I’m different because of it. If nothing seems different, why continue to abstain?
But I understand it. It’s not an easy thing to bring up. I don’t make it easy. I created an environment where people don’t know which version they will get. But 90 days of the same me should be something. Right?
I must also admit that I’ve been the most tempted to drink since he’s said that. And if I’m being honest about my feelings, I’m pissed off and resentful of him for stealing my positivity. I’m pissed that I’ve been tempted to the point of thinking through the “what ifs…” and the “nobody would know…”. I was doing so well and it was making me genuinely happy and proud. Now I’m angry and I can’t let it go.
Anyway. That was a few days ago. Today is day 93. Still 93 days alcohol free. Still working toward the next day, one day at a time.
I hope as time goes on you’ll be able to feel more like celebrating yourself and can mentally tell people who aren’t as excited about it to pound sand.
if I could! Hard fought and well deserved, for sure. We press on!
