Good morning beautiful sober warriors💪
I have made it to and past the six month mark. Tbh I had doubt in myself that I would make it this far, however I didn’t doubt myself in a negative way. I placed enough doubt in my head that made me work harder to achieve such a milestone. Work being the key word. I put myself in some pretty tough situations that I will touch on in just a bit buuuuut firstly I would like to say I miss you guys all so much.
For some reason it isn’t letting me tag people so I will just hope they see this thread. It’s been about a month since my last check in. It’s fuckin astonishing what can happen in that short amount of time… I don’t know a good Segway from I miss you to here is the craziness that has happened so let’s just jump into it.
About a week after my last check in the ex messaged me. She said she was bored and what not so I asked if she wanted to come by. She did. She clearly had a few. I could smell it on her breath. So we sat and talked. Caught up on what’s been going on in our lives. Our communication has been so few and far between it was weird to not know what’s been up ya know. Well, revelation time. As we sit talking and watching TV. She asks ‘can I smoke?’ always a good host I reply ‘sure’ she looks me in the eyes, sitting a few inches from me… I mean ‘smoke’ it hits me like a ton of bricks. She is still using. I reply with ’ go for it, I honestly don’t care’ she is apprehensive at first. I reassure her that I don’t give a shit . Which I honestly don’t. It’s her life and her choice. While she starts smoking I try not to watch then I figure ‘fuck it, I’ll watch.’
This is the point I knew I had to test myself in a serious way. I had to see if I was mentally tough enough to watch my ex fiance. The catalyst for my sobriety. The former love of my life get high even after it destroyed both our lives AND you know what?!
I wasn’t phazed in the slightest. I had no craving. No wish to get high at all. I just remember having empathy for her. That she wasn’t able with all the resources and support she had to change her life for the better.
That’s when I was reminded of something I heard David Goggins say " everyone thinks a warrior is someone that just goes to combat. It’s not always that, a warrior is someone who shows up everyday regardless of how much life fuckin sucks and says I’m here today, I’ll be here tomorrow and the next and the next and the next"
Being mentally tough isn’t something you can teach someone. It’s a life style. You have to live this shit. THE ONLY WAY to do that is to test yourself. To put yourself in uncomfortable situations and see what you are really made of. Now, I’m not suggesting that you go sit in a room with active drug users using your preferred d.o.c.
What I am suggesting is to not coddle yourself. To demand more of yourself and deliver.
I digress
So she wraps up smoking, clearly it has taken affect because she is all over the place now. She decides to go on about the rest of her day. I say goodbye and continue with mine. About a week later, a friend of mine stops over to catch up with me. Which is nice! I sometimes get caught up and forget to check in with those who care about me. That being said, I get asked ‘can I smoke?’ I respond with ’ go for it’ so while he smokes I strike up conversation on future plans and things of that nature. Making a point to stay on the positive side of the coin. We discuss ideas and prospects of new opportunities on how to improve ones stance in life. After about twenty mins, he tosses me a cigarette and departs. After he left i sat smoking that cigarette and reflected on everything that has happened. From the ex to my friend. I become filled with a sense of pride for myself that I hadn’t felt in a very long time.
It was surreal to have that moment where I knew that a substance no longer has any control over my thoughts and actions. That I am 100 % in control of my life.
Fast forward a week after that. It was a few days from my 6 month milestone. I knew I wanted to do something special that day given the fact I have spent every milestone in solitude. A friend of mine from Instagram and I were talking and I asked her if she wanted to spend my milestone with me. She agreed. We hung out and Blah blah blah. Since then we been a thing.
I have a lot more to catch you guys up on but I got to get to the gym.
So to be continued…
AND IF YOU HAVENT HEARD IT TODAY;
YOU’RE AWESOME AND I LOVE YOU
(if you’re on IG follow me @nlemnt )
im glad to see you are doing good and 6mo in now. Congrats!