I recently got a dui and my boss is kind enough to drive me to and from work. They do not know about my alcohol abuse.
Today was a hard day; I ended up not eating and drinking at least 4 cups of coffee combined with lots of adderall to prevent myself from smoking and drinking.
Towards the end of my shift I randomly threw up a couple times outside. I feel disgusted with myself as I want to be the person they think I am but I am frankly not there yet and it is upsetting.
I don’t think they noticed but I am tired of worrying if people notice or not. I am tired of constantly hiding what I’ve done.
I feel like I cheated today because although it wasn’t alcohol it was something that I had to hide and my boss is great to me, I feel so guilty.
Sorry to hear about the rough day. It sounds like you were trying to push through the day and you got overwhelmed.
Sounds like substance switching, yeah - you’re not alone there; a lot of us struggle(d) with that too: substance switching, addiction switching. It’s psychological - the real work is all psychological; it’s not really about the substance really. It’s the addictive thinking and behaviour; the substance can be a lot of different things.
Have you heard of “HALT”?
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Those four things significantly increase the chance of relapsing. Today you let yourself get hungry - you need to eat! - and you were scrambling for a fix. You substituted stimulants for alcohol. Probably if you had taken some food with you and taken meal breaks it would have helped. (I’m not saying any of this to be critical or judgmental - I’m just sharing my own experience.)
The other thing is “Keep It Simple”. In early recovery especially most of our mental and emotional “bandwidth”, our capacity, is taken up by trying to learn and live sober habits. Sober habits - healthy habits - are not habits that we had in our addiction. In our addiction, we lived in chaos and disorder; we went from one extreme to another. Learning to live in a balanced, healthy way is a big effort. It is one day at a time, and keep it simple: try not to do everything (and very likely you’ll need to cut back on the things you do, just simplify your schedule).
How do you think your boss would react if you shared your decision with him? Your decision to be sober?
Your boss may be sympathetic, which is good. If you think your boss would be constructive about it, then you could disclose it and ask for some accommodations.
Addiction is a medical condition, and all medical conditions - addiction, diabetes, physical disabilities, etc - are entitled to reasonable accommodations under employment law. For example, these are the accommodations employers in Canada must provide for persons in recovery from addiction (this particular site is for employees of the Canadian federal government, but the employment law applies to all employers, public and private):
I no longer have access to any substances which gives me no option but to stay sober. I took all the adderall in one day. I was aware I had no self control but did it anyway.
I am very good at my job. Whenever I secretly relapse or mess up I will always do the most I can do to make my bosses life easier.
I feel as though I don’t need any accommodations. Work is a great distraction and I do not want to declare my problem as I am set on overcoming it and maintaining my reputation.
Thank you for pointing out my lack of food- I often can’t get hungry without smoking and so I immediately look for a fix and then eat a ton when it’s later in the day and I’ve already faced the consequences of an empty stomach. I will take today as a lesson to not allow myself to consume medication on an empty stomach.
I appreciate tough love and any and all advice from those who have experience being sober.
Forgiving myself is hard as I have high expectations of others and I feel as though I need to hold myself to the same standard. Ironically the old me would have brushed this off because no one noticed.
That’s fair. In that case I would suggest you take some time to think about your daily schedule and build in some time daily for:
meditation and reflection
naps / extra sleep (you will be tired - especially in early recovery)
healthy snacks and meals (take time at least every few hours for a snack)
connecting (texts, calls, shares) with other people in recovery (on Talking Sober and/or your recovery group (AA or other groups - there’s a list here: Resources for our recovery)): talk about what you struggled with, vent, share, listen - connect; human connection is essential (we live in castles in addiction - we live in this world of walls we put up between ourselves and others; and in this world our addiction thrives - and by stepping out of the castle and being vulnerable in healthy ways, that helps us realize we don’t need the walls, and that helps us find freedom)
Be gentle with yourself. The important thing is staying clean and connected. That takes energy; it will be a mind switch and it will feel foreign. It’s like learning to speak a new language. Take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. You’re not perfect. You are learning.
I use the Insight Timer app for my meditation. I don’t have a specific mantra I use but there are many good guided meditations and you can search by topic.
As far as self-control during the day, I noticed early on that there were specific times of day and activities where I was more prone to have trouble. In my case this is during the day if I have free time between appointments, and in the evening if I’m trying to do work (or anything mentally taxing) after 8 pm.
For the daytime I try to avoid big spaces between appointments if I can. I will take time to nap instead of trying to do things (I’ve even done naps in my car), because if I’m asleep I can’t get in trouble and that helps if I have an hour or two. Taking walks and listening to audiobooks helps too.
For the evenings, I just don’t do any work or stressful or unpredictable things after 8:00. The only things I do after 8:00 is enjoy dessert with my wife and/or watch TV and/or spend time on Talking Sober. I don’t call people, I don’t do homework, I don’t do other things. Sometimes I even get into bed by 8:30. It makes me sound like I’m 85 years old but I don’t care. I love going to be early and getting up early (I’m up daily between 5:30-6:30), because I’m never ashamed of what I did the night before.
Thank you very much. I am very grateful for your words and support. It is much needed and is helping me greatly. This is the first time I have been honest about this and it feels good to be seen.
That takes time. Different recovery strategies approach this differently, for example:
in twelve-step programs (including AA), shame and guilt are addressed through the twelve steps, which methodically go through what I did in my addiction, who I am and who I am not, and how I relate to other people
in SMART Recovery, the core practice is in cognitive-behavioural therapy, and the processing of shame and guilt is done through those techniques
etc etc - there are about a dozen other programs and each program has its own approach, and there is overlap
In all cases, I would also suggest some private therapy if you can do it. I have a therapist I speak with every two weeks and he has been very helpful in helping me get perspective and insight into myself and my behaviour patterns.
I think recovery gives us the opportunity to “give back”, and I find that helpful. I volunteer as a children’s class teacher on the weekends (I tutor kids in history and ethics), and I get a lot of personal fulfillment from that.
I think the shame is a lifelong process of working through it. I don’t see that my processing of shame is over yet, but I’m not worried about it. I’m making constructive steps and learning more every week.
I read recently that shame is so horrendous because it’s kind of embarrassment but multiplied and amplifier because you are led to believe that you are solely and uniquely the only one to ever do what you have done or felt or experienced.
We have to remind ourselves that’s not true in the least; many many people are cross addicts or switch addiction or panic and use. You are not special in that, and I say that with love and kindness. Don’t be ashamed of something that millions of others could have also fell foul of. We are human, just acknowledge it fully and promise yourself you are in control of today’s actions and events (in as much as you can be).
Head up… Those people around you want you to have your head up.
Don’t make the journey harder than what it already will be, I think your amazing for being here and being honest…
My boss over the last 5 years has had me in for 1 month over a whole year… The ammount I have let him down or caused issues is un believable… Still he is there for me.
We are distructive we will try and shit On ourselves it’s all we know…
Your boss expects you to let him down, but in my eyes the biggest way you can let him down is the distructive way of thinking it’s one thing to have some problems but it’s another to create problems that are not there…
One step at a time keep your head up and be faithful for what you have not be upset for what you haven’t got
I have been thinking about this throughout the day. It is nice to be aware of how my internal reactions to what I’ve done determine how I feel about myself.
I hold myself to high standards but now is not the time for that, I need to treat myself the same way I treat others.
Shame is damaging. Thank you. Connection really is the opposite of addiction
Thank you- you’re right. I need to show myself grace and forgiveness. I am not going to heal in one day; which makes my early sober days uncomfortable. And obviously I am going to have bad memories and guilt. I did some not great things while intoxicated.
Thank you for helping me boost my attitude. The only way out is through!!
and that helps if I have an hour or two. Taking walks and listening to audiobooks helps too.