… And I’m scared to go.
It feels so stupid.
I reached the three month milestone yesterday. I’m still going strong, and decided to go for the four month mark. My family is so proud of me, and so am I. I recently started getting back into songwriting. I haven’t written a lot since I got sober. I used to take my notebook and head down to my favorite bar, have some glasses of red wine alone and just write.
The people I knew there knew to leave me alone at my table if my nose was buried in the book, until I was finally ready to go socialize. One of them even used to send the bartender over with a glass of wine he’d bought me. It got my brain into gear. The people there inspired me, the bar inspired me, I’ve written a lot of songs and poems there, two are actually about the bar itself, and the people who hang out there.
Yesterday I started writing a new song. No alcohol needed, just my favorite writing program on my laptop and some inspiration from my fellow writers on a Discord server. I’m pretty happy with it. The lyrics are mostly about my life, depression, anxiety and… you know, the end of someone’s life by their own hands. Doesn’t mean I’m depressed, I’m just reading old diary entries I made ten years ago when I was at my worst, and tapping into that state of mind.
Alcohol has been my crutch the last many years, for everything. I’m not a confident person, I’ve never been. Especially not for the past nine years since I got overweight. I was at my peak at 20, when I was skinny, hot and put more effort into socializing.
I haven’t really socialized with friends outside of drinking for the last six years or so. Aside from my best friend (my SIL), or in a group of friends like the two other girls of my childhood best friend trio, or two or more of my brothers. I never had a problem with that until I got fat and my confidence took a nosedive.
The friend who invited me to dinner this Monday was the last friend I met before I boarded the boat for my new life in 2017 (that’s a whole other story which I actually wrote down here, but removed because it got too long).
We went shopping together, had dinner (which we managed to forget to pay for since we ate outside, but we obviously went back once we remembered), took fancy pictures of each other and just had an amazing time. We hung out like once a week.
Now I feel so awkward about hanging out with her, or anyone, one-on-one. I’m scared of an awkward silence that might not even come. I don’t have my ‘social lubricant’ because I’m adamant about staying sober. God, it’s not like something bad is gonna happen. She’s the nicest person in the world, we always have a good time, but I’m still nervous about it.
And it’s not just her, it’s family, too. My grandma. My uncle. My brother who I know the least since he lives out of town. My second oldest brother. My sixteen year old niece.
And strangers. Around this time three years ago, I was on a casual milkshake date just down the street with a cute, nice boy. I had to drink two beers to even dare. And I hated that, because the date was super nice and chill, and it probably would have been without my two beers.
It feels so dumb, that I’m nervous for no reason. And I know that that’s the epitome of social anxiety.
I don’t know… I just don’t know how to shut it off. The anxiety makes it so I can’t bring myself to get excited for a fucking dinner invitation. And I keep putting it off, because I’m also working on a blanket for her, as a gift for her since she’s celebrating having moved into her own apartment.
It’s just driving me nuts.
We are here to support u thru the anxiety. Besides, u may find that once ur there, there was really nothing to be anxious about at all! Anxiety is future based and so do ur best to just stay present in today (in the moment)