Hi! It’s only been 4 days, but I just got my first only this once and it will be okay thought. I’m watching a horror movie and got one of my favorite subs. When I wanted to have some just me relaxing down time I would watch a horror movie (that’s a whole other post…LOL), get some junk food, get in a blanket on the couch, cuddle with my dogs, and get a bottle of my favorite wine. I guess maybe you could call it a craving, but I was like okay I have the movie, I have the steak and cheese sub, I have the blanket on the couch, and I have the dog. Now I just need my wine and a buzz. Then I was like wait, I don’t do that last part anymore. I immediately felt really sad. It didn’t seem like it was the alcohol I was missing, but the routine. May be worth mentioning I have a significant case of diagnosed OCD. Like, now I can’t enjoy this routine at all because part of the routine is gone. It’s the first time I felt like I’ve lost something by not drinking instead of gaining something. Death is dramatic, but it kinda felt like it with how I felt like I had a significant loss. Like saying goodbye to an important person in my life. First time I was questioning if I could do this. I think I may get a non-alcoholic champagne/prosecco type thing and put it in a flute or wine glass. That way I’m still having all aspects of my routine, but there is no alcohol.
Edit…not all loses are bad and this one is empowering! I definitely do not feel like this is going to result in drinking at all. It actually felt more like leaving it behind me, which can come with all kinds of complex emotions. Hard, yes. Bad, no. I wanted to get my thoughts out so I could move on instead if it just sitting in my head and festering because that has never helped me. Just a way of processing I wanted to try. Basically emotional word vomit…lol.
I know what you mean it does feel like we’re grieving “a friend” but it does get easier. I know you say you like your routines and understand that but if you don’t do something different you can’t get different. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. It’s a hard realisation, I completely know how it feels but if you want to stop drinking you have to be prepared to do different. I understand how you are feeling but I truly promise you can learn new habits and routines just keep pushing on. 4 days is fantastic! Let’s keep going, together! I’m glad you’re here, thank you for your post
I can only second what @Blondie1x said:
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES
That means, if you hold on to your alcohol habits by replicating like for like with an alcohol free wine/beverage of your choice, you are just setting yourself up for failure.
Sorry, if I put a dampener on your plans here, but it is what it is. Getting sober and working your recovery isn’t meant to be relaxing and enjoyable. You have to put the work in, and it’ll be hard.
Stopping the drink doesn’t make you sober. Changing your habits, your routines, your mindset does, and that means working the programme. If you’re not following a programme, I suggest you find one. And then you stick to it and put the daily work in.
Edit: Yes, giving up alcohol can feel like a loss and it’s not unusual that people grief about it. But honesty… that bottle is like a controlling, gaslighting, narcissistic partner… I know it feels real, but make that bottle your Ex!
My addictions are all routine/ritual based so I completely understand. It’ll take time to build new routines. Maybe you can have a hot cup of tea with your movie. Rituals and routines are hard to break!
Congratulations on your 4 days Trish.
I would use my favorite wine glass. Ya I was a bit of a wine snob and had to have my good wine glass. And I’d fill it with sparkling water and a lemon slice. There are so many sparkling waters out there. Too many flavors to mention. Early on I was always afraid of the NA stuff. Addict brain might start yelling at me GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!
I realize addiction is more than just a routine. I got 45 years of drinking rituals and it’s going to take me a long time to undo some of that.
Congratulations on 4 days!!! Thats huge!! I completely understand about missing the routine. I experienced this often in early recovery also. That craving or urge did diminish overtime tho so I truly do believe that we can rebuild new routines without the use of alcohol/drugs. Keep up the amazing work sounds like u have a lovely evening planned
I appreciate the your comment! I am doing some virtual groups, so that’s been good. I work 3 jobs, so I need the flexibility and AA is not for me. I have a masters degree in psychology and 14 years of professional experience in community mental health (which include substance use), so I definitely know it’s work and what I got into more than most! I have the extra jobs because, despite 14 years in the field and a masters degree, they won’t even pay me $21 an hour. I just can’t live on that. I’m glad I found the virtual groups. They even have 24 hour ones that you can pop in and out of. Perfect for someone who works as much as I do! I just kinda wanted to get my thoughts out of my head. Helps me process
Looks like you’ve got all your answers there. After 14 years working on other peoples sobriety, now it’s time to work your own. Please keep sharing your thoughts, if that helps, I know a good rant or vent on here helps me alot.
I listened to a TON of sobriety podcasts in my first year of sobriety. I couldn’t hit up traditional meetings because of my work/commute. They really helped me keep my mind straight. I totally relate to the hard goodbye… its like losing a best friend, a really terrible best friend that’s trying to kill you. Congratulations on 5 days now. Best wishes to you.
sounds like u have a lovely evening planned