Today, I’m making a change. When I was about 8-9 years old, I discovered porn and masturbation. I’ve had a traumatic, isolated childhood, as many people have, and it was an easy escape. At first, it was just fun. It made my heart race to google “naked boobs” or whatever. I was innocent. But as the years went on, I would turn to it. By the time I was 13 or 14, I would masturbate 6-8 times daily sometimes. Looking at porn became a norm, so much so that I would look at it in public. And to this day, I still had. Turning my phone to look at something. Feeling shame for getting a dopamine fix or whatever. I’ve cut down and stuff, yes, but today I decided to quit. I deleted all of my sources. I’m tired of feeling ashamed, and I’m ashamed that I supported an industry that runs on the exploitation of women. I recently got married, and even throughout our relationship, my addiction persisted. We have a healthy sex life and whatever, but I always felt like I could never get enough. Why? Even though I have this beautiful woman I love next to me, I still craved porn. I’ve known I’ve had an addiction since I was young, but I never felt any desire to discontinue it. It was there during puberty, during all of highschool, through all of my relationships, and yet I wanted more.
I want to be better. I know I am full of love. I know I have a lot more to gain than to lose. When I first realized I had an issue with it, I thought it was silly.
“You can’t be addicted to this” I told myself. I saw my father with his alcoholism and my run with Xanax, my brothers issues with many drugs and thought, “See? That’s what REALLY ruins lives. Not porn.” But porn is equally destructive for a person like me. It turns my mind to a different place. It makes me subconsciously think of women differently. It makes sex a dragon to chase and not something of value. It makes sex mean nothing. It makes me ashamed after every time I masturbated, and yet it was all I could think of. Sex is always at the forefront of my mind. Today, I want different. I want to prove to myself that I don’t need porn to cope. That I can spend my time doing something good for myself, and honestly, it scares me. How do you live life without a crutch that you’ve used more than half your life? It terrifies me stepping into this sobriety, because I’ve never talked about it with anyone. Not even really my wife. It paralyzes me to even think about opening about it because of my shame, my fear of judgement, the fact that even talking about it is a taboo. You can’t casually say I’m a recovering porn addict like you can about, say, alcoholism. There is no support that I’d be comfortable showing my face to. I feel like I’m terribly, terribly alone and while I know its not true, it makes it much, much harder for me to face it.
But like I said, today I am making a change. I am the one who says enough is enough. I am the one who needs to tackle this because no intervention will ever come, nobody else will ever tell me my best kept secret is ruining my life. I am the one who has to tackle it and right now is the time. I am scared but I will figure it out. I will overcome this and I will change my mind and perceptions. I will do better for myself.