Dear Me,
Sit and feel the shame you created. Remember the embarrassment as it flushes your cheeks. Tired but not able to sleep. Nauseous but unable to throw up. You hit rock bottom before, and you ended up going to treatment. For a month you where there. You healed and learned and competed the steps. And now your at a different rock bottom. And I’m scared … scared I’m going to fail and fail and fail. I feel so very ashamed , so hopeless. Scared of being alone, scared of standing in a crowded room. I am a coward and I must come up with a plan. I feel hopeless…
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You’re not a coward. Cowards don’t go to rehab and get sober, they never even try to fight it. 99% of the people who are sober, stepped into the ring and got their asses handed to them multiple times, before they came out on top. Don’t give up trying. Remember how you feel, and use it as fuel. You can do this.
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Good plan maybe try ameeting meet like minded people wish you well
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Get thru today with kindness and compassion. Start each day with good intentions at first. Just stay sober every day to start with. The plan can evolve as you get stronger, just do not drink. No one expects anything more of you at first, and neither should you. Please accept you made a mistake and push that side; use the pain as resolve to start fighting for you.
You can do this.
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Oh dear, I wish I could give you a hug right now! You are not a coward, but you do need a plan. Work on that. Take the shame out of the equation, as it won’t get you anywhere. I know, I’ve been in this same place hundreds of times. Not exaggerating! You are in good company here, lean on your friends in real life and here. You are worthy of a better life!
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Hi Julia,
We like to talk about recovery here, and part of that is how we get to the permanent sobriety that is meant for us. What I mean is, as you are discovering, that things can always get worse. It’s just a matter of how fast it gets how bad for us. It took me years and years, in and out of rehab and jail, to get to my own turning point. Like you, I went from a rehab situation, and I was as sincere as I could be while I was there. But I was not done drinking. Within a couple of months I was back drinking again and got my second DUI. How I did not kill anyone or myself driving drunk over the following years was luck and grace.
It always got worse for me. I racked up a total of five DUI convictions, lost my license for life and still kept driving and drinking. Because I wasn’t done drinking. Comparing war stories I have not found helpful, because I latched onto the excuse that I wasn’t that bad. So details and counts of arrests and near fatal events aren’t what you are going to hear from me. Neither is how awesome sobriety is today and how “good” I am doing. The fact is, I haven’t had a drink yet today, and I owe that to grace. It is a miracle, it really is, each day that I do not drink. Just because I’ve been sober for a lot of consecutive days, by itself, is not a guarantee that I will stay sober today. Sobriety and living in the grace is the focus of my life today. And I am not religious, in fact I can be passionately anti-religious. But I do live in grace.
I am a firm believer that logic has no power to stop an alcoholic who is not done drinking. The power to stop can be motivated in part by fear and self-loathing, but at some point, the grace of the Divine has to be felt and take action in our hearts and souls. May that happen for you, and soon.
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Man this is so powerful. It really resonates with my sobriety. I think we’ve spoken of this in the past, but to see it written out this way helps me understand it a little more. I’ve never been able to put into words what exactly happened to me. I can’t explain it. My desire to drink vanished overnight. After so much trial and error, immeasurable failures, and a suffering I never knew someone could endure, it truly felt like a miracle. Then to see you say you aren’t religious, yet this is definitely what happened, makes me feel so much better. I’ve always struggled to realize what my religious beliefs are and since this happened to me, I felt like there has to be a God. I’m still not completely sure, but I do know that some outside force saved me. I wish this for everyone here. Thank you for sharing the knowledge that’s come along with your super impressive amount of time sober 
@Button83 - I can feel the way I did after my 2nd DWI from reading your words. I remember going back to work knowing that everyone knew. 10 minutes in I was hyperventilating and crying on the closet floor. And it takes a lot for me to cry. I honestly don’t even know what my rock bottom was. You’d think it’d be driving blacked out drunk with my 3yo in the car (Oh God. Every time I type that out, which hasn’t been many times here, puts me on the verge of tears, still, 7 years later), but no. I drank, and still drove, at least 1,000 more times 
Hopelessness is probably the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. I felt it for years. You don’t have to. I know how raw it is today, and probably will be tomorrow, but with time and sobriety you will heal. You don’t have to go thru this alone. Please feel free to message me if you need an ear that will never judge you. Stay strong love
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Thank you @Just_Laura This was a wake up call. I’m thankful after telling my partner that I’m quitting … he was so supportive, and so kind. He went through it too and now we are both putting alcohol away. I’m very disappointed with my self and I’m going to sit in my disappointment and savour the feeling so it never happens again.
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How lucky you are to have a good fellow on your side. I like that, “savor the feeling”. I didn’t intentionally do that, I just got to a point where that feeling was constant. When I was finally ready to quit, I remembered that feeling vividly and brought it to the surface every time alcohol crossed my mind. I made the connection that, for me, alcohol = pain and suffering and made sure to really ‘savor it’ 
every single time without fail. A year later, the thought of me drinking still disgusts me. Being around alcohol doesn’t trigger me. Going out with friends and being around drunk people doesn’t faze me. The issue lies only if said alcohol were to enter my body, and that’s not going to happen.
We’re all very different tho and I suggest looking into several options to see what you think will work best for you. AA was/is super helpful to me. You learn ways to navigate life sober. It also taught me how to forgive myself for everything I’d done and leave it in the past. I truly wish the best for you and look forward to seeing your progress
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You mention a crowded room.
Well, this time you’re in a crowded room full of people who have been where you are AND want to sure their help and kindness.
You made a mistake. We have all made mistakes.
Up you get
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Cowards don’t ask for encouragement. Edison failed a thousand times before he found a filament that worked in his light bulb… When asked to what he attributes all his success, Lebron James thought for a moment and said (confidently), “All my failures.” Just a thought, but I think you are exactly where you should be. Here. Reaching out. Down the road some one is going to reach out to you and, without being where you are right now, you won’t be able to reach back as effectively as possible. Anything worth having, I have learned, is pretty freakin’ scary at first. You got this. And we got you. Thank you.
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All my failures… yes this resonates with me. I’m scared of seeing this disease progress and I know that if I don’t get off this ride that I’m going to end up down a very dark path.
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For me, it’s not the ride, it’s the path. And for me, I will end up on the wrong path if I don’t stay connected to people on the right one. HP, Sponsor, brothers & sisters in the program. More importantly, If I don’t help others stay on the right path (thru attraction not promotion) then it’s a one-sided coin. Those who choose to lead, must follow. As far as failures go, I had to get through a thorough Step 9 and then simply let go. Ever tried Curling? 
I used a visual analogy of releasing the stone in Curling after Step 9. Any who. I’m rambling now. Hope you can get something out of this! 
Stay.
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I’m staying … I have no choice “edit”
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Have u ever listened to Allen Carrs easy way to quit drinking?
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I’ll check it out! Thank you!
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No I have not … I’ll check it out. Thank you
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