My babies,
I wish I was able to be exactly what you need, every single day. I know your daddies death has shaken you to your core. You feel like you’ve fallen hard, like you’re crashing into fragile pieces of glass. I know the sadness has a weight words can’t carry. Your little minds can’t quite decipher how much loss you feel, how broken and tired your heart is, at just eight and eleven years old. I’m so sorry that you’ve been given a first hand lesson in how cruel this life can be. I’m so very sorry that you know the clutches of addiction, and you associate it with your daddy and the loss of him. Even writing that, makes me feel physically sick. The news that your hero was gone from this earth, just three short days after returning home from being gone for weeks at rehab… I’m so sorry you ended up being collateral damage in his war, against himself. When I look in your eyes I see him, you both are his legacy he’s left behind, walking, breathing pieces of him. I’m going to do my best to make sure you both remember, despite the ending, how incredibly good he was. How he loved you both with such a unmatched fierceness. I had every intention of giving you a better upbringing then I had, of breaking what felt like generational curses, yet I fear you’ve experienced more pain than I ever did throughout my childhood. For that, I’m so so sorry. I know it seems sometimes like mommy has went away, lost somewhere behind sad eyes, deep within herself. I’m just a little tired from fighting what felt like your daddy and I’s own personal hell, a battle you are very much aware, I lost at. Just know if ,God forbid, you ever find yourself needing someone to save you, I’d make hell my home to do so and I am making my way back to you, slowly. I promise life won’t always be like this. I promise there is still beauty in all that has been broken. There is still light to be found in what seems like this endless void of darkness… I’m so proud of you both! Even through this unimaginable tragedy, I still see wonder in your eyes when you experience something new, I still watch you experience joy and belly laughs. You both are so brave. Motherhood has made me fierce and also so weak at the same time. When I think about the future I feel so, so scared. I know I’m going to close my eyes and my time with you will be coming to an end. Motherhood is so much holding on and letting go. It’s love on an infinite scale, so much love that I sometimes feel my heart will burst right out of my chest. Oh how I love you both. I have been raised by raising you. I am in awe of you both and I am so so grateful. 
