3 years ago today you took your own life. to this day I don’t know what method you chose. I know this is none of my business, but everyday I hope that it was painless. you didn’t deserve to die. you didn’t deserve all of the bad things that happened to you. you and your boyfriend deserved to grow up together. you were only 14. you were too young to die. you were too young to live through what you lived through. I know shortly after you died your mom tried to get sober. I don’t know if she still is. but I am angry at her. I am so angry that it took losing you for her to make a change. she never even tried to get help. I know addiction is horrific and complicated, but why did she have to lose you to change.
I’m not just angry at her, I’m angry at you. and I hate that. I’m sorry for being angry. I really try not to be. but I don’t understand why. even as someone who as attempted suicide, I can’t understand why you did it. you never even tried to tell anyone what was going on. at least not anyone in our friend group. there was not a single sign anyone saw. one day you were here, and then you just weren’t.
I found out on Halloween. by this time I was in high school but you were still in middle school. we hadn’t talked since the start of my freshman year. my friends and I invited you out for Halloween. when I asked where you were, that’s when I found out. I missed your funeral. my family didn’t want to tell me what happened. my cousin who didn’t know you existed got to go. I never did. I know it wasn’t my fault but I still can’t forgive myself for not being there. I wasn’t there in your greatest time of need and I wasn’t there after it was too late. I never said goodbye.
I don’t think I deserved to know someone like you. your joy was infectious. I know this joy was probably an act now. but you were so off the walls and goofy. I never had any shred of doubt that it was genuine. the most vivid memories I have of you are you trying to climb the band room shelves so you could hide behind people’s instrument cases and scare them. I don’t know how you were able to climb those shelves. i miss the little things. I miss just walking up and down the halls during lunch. I miss hearing your laugh. every laugh I remember is now riddled with questions. I’ll never know if any of our happy moments together were genuine. I hope you are at peace. I love you and I miss you
I hope that you know that I miss you every day. and I will for the rest of my life. if somehow you are aware of this writing, please do not feel guilty. if there is anything after this life, I know you got the good part of it. there was not a bad bone in your body. you were a good kid. I hope you are at peace.
