Five years ago today, on a beautiful Autumn day like this one, my mother decided that she couldn’t go on anymore. She had lost the will to fight her disease, lost hope that things would ever get better for her. I don’t begrudge her this decision, having been at that point many times myself. She was an addict, like all of us here, and her addiction had driven a wedge between us. I can’t change the past, and there are countless things I wish I could have said or done differently, if only I had known how bad things could get. But that’s not how life works, so at least I can put this message out there, in the hopes that the words I wish I had said to my mother can help some of you out there who feel that they are losing their fight.
There is still hope, there is still life for us to live, and healing to do. I know you feel that the world would be better off without you, or that there might be some benefit to your passing, but I promise you that’s not true. Your smile, your laugh, a kind word or gesture, even just one of your gifts has the potential to save someone’s day, to create a ripple of positive change in this world. You have so much more to give, even though you feel spent and broken right now.
That weight on your shoulders feels like an atlas stone, pulling you down til you worry you’ll never be able to stand straight again, but I promise you will get stronger and that weight will feel less. All you have to do is get through today, pick yourself up just enough to get your head above water. Even if you can find no love for yourself, no compassion, grace, or forgiveness, know that I want you to make it through this. I forgive you, I love you, I would take this pain from you if I could. You can recover from this, we can heal, no matter how long it takes.
Unfortunately, I can’t promise that this fight will be won easily or quickly. It may take years, but I promise that you can win it. It seems unfair to ask of you after all you’ve endured, but all we can do is try. Every day you make it through, every time you lay your head down knowing you did the best you could, with breath in your lungs and fire in your heart, is a victory against those demons you’re fighting. And, one day, you’ll realize you haven’t had to struggle quite as much to get through each day, and you will even reach the point where you can look ahead, and be happy that there is a future for you.
You are a survivor, and you will survive this. You’ve come so far, you can’t turn back now. It’s okay if you can’t do this for yourself, find what will keep you going and hold onto it with everything you’ve got. It could be your family, your friends, your pets, your plants, it could be that you just want to see another sunrise, if nothing else please just hang on for me, for a random internet stranger who doesn’t want anyone else to suffer the way his mom did.
Keep up the fight and stay safe out there folks, thanks for giving me a space to rant, sorry about the wall of text.
Thank you for being here and so sorry you’ve had to go through these losses, I wasn’t sure what to do to mark the occasion this year but I’m grateful that I’ve found this community where we can all share and support one another. It’s my belief that keeping their memories alive and celebrating all that we had together is how we keep our loved ones alive, and I pray we can all meet again.
Thank you, we are all survivors in our own right, and it helps me to remember that, makes me feel a little stronger
Lost my three brothers in the last 5 years my fav cousin and Aunt in the last two ,still have the memories ,life goes on
THank you so much for this im struggling to stay clean, feeling like a failure remembering what it was like to be clean and happy before the madness came back i am truely sorry for your lose i am so greatful for your courage to speak what needs said i sure needed this today i appologize if what i am typing sounds jumbled im doing my best to formulate sentences due to my lack of clarity i hope one day to regain a sound mind and my place in society. untill then i will try to keep fighting the good fight and keep looking up thanks so much.
So glad you’re here with us and keeping your head up, and don’t feel bad at all about feeling worn out or lacking clarity, it’s easier said than done but I think admitting and accepting that we can’t always be on top of everything and we can’t always make ourselves feel better is a big step forward. Some days all I can do is take a breath and repeat to myself, “everything is gonna be alright, I will make it through this”, over and over till I feel like I’m going crazy, but we have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get through those scary moments. Glad you’re here with us, keep coming back and try to do something nice for yourself today 
You’re more than welcome, thank you for being here with us, and I like the way you put it when you said you “embrace life” Sometimes it might feel like holding on by a hair, other times it really does feel like a loving hug from your higher power, but the ultimate victory is never giving up.