hey friends, long vent coming, brace yourself!
i made this impulsively bc i feel i had an important moment and realization with my Higher Power to share/document.
it’s about 7am where i am rn and i’ve been up for a few hours. i had been laying in bed, trying to connect with others and keep my mind busy. but then i started to spiral mentally, doubt, fear, self loathing, self pity, you name it. all these negative emotions were hitting me quickly and at once, so i had to shift my thinking to how i can be of use to my fellows.
i felt a sense of calm as i thought about the message i will be fortunate enough to carry (once at step 12), and even thought of all the wonderful things revealed to me recently. my Higher Power revealed them.
now, what i feel i must share about right now, is love. may sound corny, but i learned something about it, or more specifically what it means for my Higher Power to love me.
He doesn’t just love me when i’m doing the right thing, bc guess what? i don’t do the right thing. sure, maybe i preform the right or good action, but what inspired me to do that? certainly not myself, i’ve learned. i inspire myself to do the wrong thing, every time.
so where does the inspiration to do good come from? i’ve learned it’s from my Higher Power, that gentle, kind, calm, feeling i get when i do the right thing. so…if (left to my own devices) i’m doing the wrong thing, how can my Higher Power still love me? why?? aren’t i technically a bad person?
the answer was silent, but i felt it. His love isn’t like mine. His is pure, not tainted by an addict mind. not selfish. i started to cry when i realized this, bc i thought i had to be “good” or change myself to be loved by my Higher Power, but i was so wrong.
He loves me now. He loved me when i was high, when i was depressed, angry, alone, hiding from Him, cursing Him, every single moment. i had never felt his love before, or at least i didn’t think it was real. i didn’t think i deserved it.
my friends, if you feel like you have to hide from your Higher Power bc you aren’t “good enough” yet or They won’t love you until you’re better, i beg you to challenge that way of thinking and feeling. love is not currency, it’s not something you earn, you don’t clock in and clock out of some place to get it, you aren’t born at a higher standing with it, it’s given to you. freely.
i want to give love in the same way my Higher Power does. that’s the best way i can truly express to yall what i’ve learned, bc this log ass post probably isn’t cutting it haha!
speaking of, i’ll end it here. thank yall for letting me share, and thank you if you read. below i’m gonna attach a note my mom wrote in a prayer book, it helped spark this <3
