Yeah, I went down it, hard.
I’m going to vent for a little bit, get the negative thoughts out, and then talk about what I can do to get better, the action I need to take and what I do appreciate about my life.
A month and 4 days ago I lost a really good friend to suicide. Some of you might remember me posting about it. I relapsed really hard. I’ve had maybe 2-3 sober nights since it happened. He was a drinker himself. We had a lot of good nights together chugging beers. We also used to have a romantic relationship. It was brief and didn’t end bitter, we stayed good friends always. I learned a lot of details that hurt. He hung himself in a closet. It was premeditated, possibly for months. He did it Christmas night, he was with family that night before it happened. He was laughing and playing games with them. He was giving his stuff away to people that he loved already.
I made an alter for him. I painted him. His parents generously gave me some ashes of his. I’ve gone through his stuff with his brother, got to see things I hadn’t seen in so long. He kept everything. This was the kind of person, that you really felt the love from. He loved everyone. He was kind to everyone. His had the most unique wild laugh, it still rings in my ears. I have video of him I watch often. I love him, I miss him.
That’s the first thing that went wrong when this year started, here’s number 2.
My best friend of almost 4 years was working at the same psychiatric hospital as me, on the same ward. I’ve been on my ward for a little under that amount of time. I supervise a very special team of people that are my family. She moved from another ward on to mine about a year ago. Recently, she started talking to a patient romantically. For those not familiar with laws regarding this, it’s very illegal, and a felony. She was calling the ward phone and talking to him when she wasn’t at work. There may be more that happened that I am unaware of. We she told me, I had to turn her in. She “understood”.
I cannot begin to even explain how in depth this is, but basically I found out she told this patient personal information about other staff and myself. Mind you, the ward I work on is GEI (Guilty Except Insanity), I work with the criminally insane. I’ve worked with murderers, rapists, child molesters, ect. This guy is a stalker. He may have other charges I don’t know. It’s literally in his chart that he’s stalked the friends of girls he was obsessed with. She knew this, and put me in danger. He threatened to kill me when he got out of the hospital amungst other things. And she continued to lie about other various things. I had to accept she’s really sick, a twisted individual that I had to drop from my life. Our connect was very close. I haven’t had a true best girlfriend since middle school. I really cared for her. We had a TON of fun together.
Not only did she put my life in danger, but because of this police investigation I have been moved off my ward on to a different one for the time being. This happened right after I lost both of my friends. So I lost my work family as well. It’s a huge kick to the stomach.
So, needless to say, I’ve started this year losing 2 really great friends. I’m not a very social person, my circle is small. These are huge losses. And I feel very alone.
Number 3. My relationship is suffering due to all the loss. Recently it’s gotten worse. Last night I stayed in a motel alone, just to get away. He said some cruel stuff to me yesterday. Very hurtful things. I’d be trying to communicate with him because he’s been super distant. We’ve been together 8 years. A lot has happened in that time. The relationship used to be abusive (about 4 years clean from that). I’ve cheated, he did meth behind my back for a very long time before his friend told me about it. He’s coming up on 2 years sober from that. We’ve been homeless together. I go through periods of time when I feel, maybe this is not for me. Maybe I need to move forward. I’m just not sure.
I just feel very alone.
The meeting I want to go to is on Sunday. I’m just trying to make it through the first night not drinking. I’m just trying to find reason to hold on to my life and not destroy it. I feel dead inside. Things I’m grateful for… My dog. A roof over my head. Food. Water. Nature. I’ve started going on long walks everyday. Painting again is on the agenda.
So, that’s my life as of the past month and 1/2 or so. Thank you for reading if you actually got through all of that. I just need someone to hear me. I don’t have anyone to talk to right now.
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