A Month Down The Rabit Hole

Yeah, I went down it, hard.

I’m going to vent for a little bit, get the negative thoughts out, and then talk about what I can do to get better, the action I need to take and what I do appreciate about my life.

A month and 4 days ago I lost a really good friend to suicide. Some of you might remember me posting about it. I relapsed really hard. I’ve had maybe 2-3 sober nights since it happened. He was a drinker himself. We had a lot of good nights together chugging beers. We also used to have a romantic relationship. It was brief and didn’t end bitter, we stayed good friends always. I learned a lot of details that hurt. He hung himself in a closet. It was premeditated, possibly for months. He did it Christmas night, he was with family that night before it happened. He was laughing and playing games with them. He was giving his stuff away to people that he loved already.

I made an alter for him. I painted him. His parents generously gave me some ashes of his. I’ve gone through his stuff with his brother, got to see things I hadn’t seen in so long. He kept everything. This was the kind of person, that you really felt the love from. He loved everyone. He was kind to everyone. His had the most unique wild laugh, it still rings in my ears. I have video of him I watch often. I love him, I miss him.

That’s the first thing that went wrong when this year started, here’s number 2.

My best friend of almost 4 years was working at the same psychiatric hospital as me, on the same ward. I’ve been on my ward for a little under that amount of time. I supervise a very special team of people that are my family. She moved from another ward on to mine about a year ago. Recently, she started talking to a patient romantically. For those not familiar with laws regarding this, it’s very illegal, and a felony. She was calling the ward phone and talking to him when she wasn’t at work. There may be more that happened that I am unaware of. We she told me, I had to turn her in. She “understood”.

I cannot begin to even explain how in depth this is, but basically I found out she told this patient personal information about other staff and myself. Mind you, the ward I work on is GEI (Guilty Except Insanity), I work with the criminally insane. I’ve worked with murderers, rapists, child molesters, ect. This guy is a stalker. He may have other charges I don’t know. It’s literally in his chart that he’s stalked the friends of girls he was obsessed with. She knew this, and put me in danger. He threatened to kill me when he got out of the hospital amungst other things. And she continued to lie about other various things. I had to accept she’s really sick, a twisted individual that I had to drop from my life. Our connect was very close. I haven’t had a true best girlfriend since middle school. I really cared for her. We had a TON of fun together.

Not only did she put my life in danger, but because of this police investigation I have been moved off my ward on to a different one for the time being. This happened right after I lost both of my friends. So I lost my work family as well. It’s a huge kick to the stomach.

So, needless to say, I’ve started this year losing 2 really great friends. I’m not a very social person, my circle is small. These are huge losses. And I feel very alone.

Number 3. My relationship is suffering due to all the loss. Recently it’s gotten worse. Last night I stayed in a motel alone, just to get away. He said some cruel stuff to me yesterday. Very hurtful things. I’d be trying to communicate with him because he’s been super distant. We’ve been together 8 years. A lot has happened in that time. The relationship used to be abusive (about 4 years clean from that). I’ve cheated, he did meth behind my back for a very long time before his friend told me about it. He’s coming up on 2 years sober from that. We’ve been homeless together. I go through periods of time when I feel, maybe this is not for me. Maybe I need to move forward. I’m just not sure.

I just feel very alone.

The meeting I want to go to is on Sunday. I’m just trying to make it through the first night not drinking. I’m just trying to find reason to hold on to my life and not destroy it. I feel dead inside. Things I’m grateful for… My dog. A roof over my head. Food. Water. Nature. I’ve started going on long walks everyday. Painting again is on the agenda.

So, that’s my life as of the past month and 1/2 or so. Thank you for reading if you actually got through all of that. I just need someone to hear me. I don’t have anyone to talk to right now.


I’m hearing you. I can relate to psych ward crazy leaking into my outside life, I was moved off one ward to another after false accusations were raised. And I was drinking hard at that time.

Time to reconnect to that higher power that will never fail you and to understand that it’s gonna be alright. Being sober is the best shot I ever had at that kind of serenity. Blessings on your house :pray:.



We hear you. You matter. Keeping your head clear until you can get to that meeting is important. It’s the way out of that rabbit hole.

Substance addiction is a bit out of my lane. Just wanted you to know there’s someone listening.

1 Like

Rough life, Tough life, bad life, upset life. Life in general is a bitch, for all of us. We all go through tough times of loosing someone,in fact its the first thing as a human being we learn, death. It’s a hard fact to come to but its truly the first thing that we learn about life. We have no choice.

Your friend sounded like a great guy, My uncle had the same type of feeling before he committed himself by carbon monoxide poison from the exhaust of a car to the window. He bought things for family members, including me. A tree, I call it the Scotty tree, his name was Scott. He gave blankets to his dad who has a few strokes and couldnt talk, he was showing much appreciation to the ones he loved before he went.

There no reason to hurt yourself over the actions of others, this is your life, as the life they had was theirs. You must live it to the best you can and trust in the path’s you are given, they are to make you stronger as a individual. You learn things differently from everyone else which will help you along the road.

Emotions are a good thing to have, that means you are strong as a person, its ok to get away from things and spend a night alone, we ALL need those types of nights in our lives to get back our sanity. I too am not a huge people person, but recently have started been because of my bad drinking habits, cocaine habits and selling habits. Ive spent 25 days at home now sober, It hurts me not to go out and say hi to the people ive met but I know they arent the type of people I should be around because im afraid ill relapse, one day I might go back to the bar and have a pop and say hi but its too early for me to get out and enjoy the sober life at a bar setting. its possible, I know a couple people that do it.

You’re not the only one struggling with the things you are struggling with, we all can all relate in some sort of way. I dont feel like the type of relationship you’re in can be that healthy, BUT I have seen some really bad relationships turn into something great, thats when both people support each others growth. Going through hard times with someone can really help two people grow at the same time, theirs always hope in a situation but you also have to know when enough is enough. Just know theres always greater people out in this world, this is not finding nemo, where the ocean seems empty. Theres billions of us on this planet, and plenty of great people out there, sometimes people dont really succeed until they are out of a situation that seems toxic. Just as getting off of drugs are, you cant grow without wanting to grow.

You’ve lost a couple best friends, but they both made the decisions to do so. learn,grow, and shine from the situations they made you see.Take it as a step to make you stronger as a person.
Dont let a loss hurt a relationship, you need to be there for each-other. Ignoring that fact will drown out the seed thats been planted. I know its tough to talk to people during hard times but if the guy is truly your rock, that rock will keep that seed in place as where it needs to be.

You’re not alone, spirits surround us daily, and secondly… If you’re not sure of a situation, you need to do whats best for yourself then. If you’re unsure you need to think about why you’re unsure and take the bad facts and good facts into play with what you have thought about.

Drinking wont solve an issue but only make an issue worse. It’s mind altering, let your mind think how its suppose to think. Sober. Your mind will do amazing things more so sober than so on something altering your thinking. I found drinking overtime and coming off coke really made me depressed, and sideline suicidal. I have thought about eating a bullet before, I’ve never attempted or had the guts to do it but I always thought of it when I was high as a kite and drunk as hell, the coke come down was really really bad for me. I would cry and beg for help, the day I checked myself into detox was the day I changed for good. I realized how bad it was.

You’re grateful, that means you haven’t lost faith and faith is still and always will be with you no matter where you go. You’re doing things to help cope, thats awesome! I too am doing things that help me stay sober. Dont let the bad times in life create worse. Learn, strive, succeed.

You’re awesome, and you will make due with what you’ve got. Never let go. Stay strong, the future is bright I promise. You dont have it as bad as what you could have it with what youve went through. Thats an accomplishment that you should be proud of. You’re very well alive inside, because if you wherent you wouldn’t be here. Mad respect for you. Keep that chin up and foot forward, and most importantly let that light shine. Dont dig yourself a hole, you dont have to give in, ever.

Do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. ( Joshua 1:9)

You’ve got a life to live, go pursue it and be proud you’ve been given the life you’re living.


Crying. Everything you said hit home. Thank you for taking the time to reply with such a heartfelt message. :purple_heart:

1 Like

Wow. You’ve got lots to weather right now. I can’t grasp what that must be like for you right now, but I can imagine.

I was reading another post today that came to mind after reading your experience. It kills me that I can’t take away pain that’s already been experienced, but I was reminded that at any point in time, we’ve only experienced part of the story – the past, and progressing through the present. The future has yet to come, and depending on what happens in the now, we can act and hope for a better future. You’ve been uprooted at work, but you might find growth unexpectedly where you’re at now, and find connections that otherwise you’d have never known. Your relationship may recover, or you may both find new ones, or find new fulfilment in independent self. Further healing from your loss is ahead, and memories of the experiences you shared together can continue to enrich how you experience the world.

You’ve been through a lot, and still fighting vigorously. None of it has stopped you from accomplishing and growing to where you’ve gotten today, and none of it has stopped you from reaching out here for support and coming back to try again. You did the right thing coming here to talk, meeting a need you have, resisting the urge to address it with alcohol. And I love the gratitude list, that’s a suggestion my sponsor has given me when I’m having a difficult time emotionally.

I hope that you connect with us as you need to get through this. May light chase you through this darkness.

1 Like