I am ending a 4 day relapse tonight after 2 months of sobriety. I admit, though, that I don’t feel at all like I expected.
I’m a substance use therapist that is pretty well versed in the relapse process and I thought I knew exactly what was going to happen afterwards–I’d feel guilty and shameful. As strange as it may be, I don’t feel those in the front of my mind (yet). Instead, I feel an absolutely consuming and overwhelming sense of sadness. This horrible feeling took hold of me as my last use wore off and it took over quickly. It feels like a knife to my throat.
I was really caught off guard by how profoundly sad I feel. It is a dark room with no light switch it feels like–it is painfully lonely. I know how important a circle of support is-I preach this daily. But I find myself alone at most times. I tried NA for a little while and have accepted that it doesn’t really resonate with me for a variety of reasons (I know that it is wonderful for many and don’t need to be convinced–I am okay with the realization). I didn’t feel connected mostly due to the framework, and when I didn’t feel connected I felt absolute devastation because I realized how blindly I had expected my problems to solve themselves. I know better, and I opened the door and walked straight into the trap with intention regardless.
This is my attempt at pushing my desire to sit in this aloneness away. I was hoping someone woul dhave some suggestions about ways to connect with others outside of AA/NA specific things. I crave the social connection and support and feel entirely lost in the ocean of hopelessness. I know logically that my feelings right now (and their intensity) are distorted but can’t seem to find the ability to reframe them in ways that I believe.
Lots of rambling without much profound meaning, but maybe writing it out will help me eject some of this energy. Thank you for reading.
Hi @rkckr
I’m not sure that i have too much of value to contribute, as far as your question goes. I’ve never really figured out connection, which probably helps explain why i was such an awfully effective addict. I just didn’t want this post to sit here alone when you expressed something so clear and raw. I’m sorry things have been so difficult. I’m sorry you’re feeling so deeply sad by this moment. We’re here for you.
I appreciate you back. Stay in touch on here okay? I never connected with AA either, for a few reasons. But while you figure the rest out, there’s a wealth of good people and wise words on this app. You don’t have to do it alone.
Hugs to you my friend.
Im also short on advice…
I mean you could go to a bookstore or coffee shop and hang out a while … It’s something I’ve done. but mostly I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. We here for you
Welcome back on the sober train
You are not alone
Allthough your emotions are distorted at the moment due to withdrawal, it’s maybe worth to sit with the sadness and listen where it might come from or echo. Just a thought of mine, when it’s there, why not work with it? It doesn’t matter where we start working on our issues, important is that we do it. Babysteps, trial and error, honestly sitting with our feelings, they pass, change, sometimes they teach us or give valuable information on what we need (maybe to fix, maybe to nurture).
Just my 2 cent. Please feel hugged
I’m very sorry, @rkckr, but glad you’re back with us. I do think connection is hugely important in recovery, and agree it must be meaningful or nothing can come of it. Meaningful could be working with a colleague? Catching up with some family? Anything that will take you out of yourself for a bit, give you some perspective on how others navigate life, start a give-and-take, however trivial.
Also, to echo @erntedank above, it might be a good time to start connecting with yourself, work with your feelings, write them out, journal…
Congrats on breaking the relapse
You sure know better you don’t need to intellectualize feelings
Pull the curtains aside and wait for the light to rise up
[Sending you a virtual hug]
You are not alone @rkckr there are lots of like minded people on here who understand what you are going through. Have you heard of/tried Refuge Recovery/Recovery Dharma? An alternative to AA some resonate with more
I can very much recommend trying a different recovery programm. Even if AA/NA does not resonate with you, there are other recovery programms and one of them might. And in my experience it is always easier to walk that path with other likeminded individuals. I currently join daily Recovery Dharma meetings and find them very beneficial.
Hello Kyle, and welcome to Talking Sober. I also spent part of my alcoholic career as a highly educated substance use counselor and researcher. I have a couple of reactions to your post.
Don’t be too smart for recovery. Recovery, in my experience, is an emotional and spiritual journey more than an intellectual one. True, I had to change my thinking and attitudes, but more important was that I had to be humbled to reach that place of 100% willingness to follow directions. The bottoms that we go through are dark nights of the soul, the feeling of being trapped or beaten down - and hopefully we come out the other side with a conviction to stay sober for one day and to do what others who have demonstrated sobriety have done.
It is very common for people to show up here, or perhaps even in your office, or at AA, with a firm idea of “what will work” or “what I need”. And that is a greased rail to ride to failure. When we try and then fail, some of us repeatedly, the good learning to come out of that, for me, was that I finally was able to accept, at depth, that I did not know what I was doing - I did not know how to stay sober - and the people in AA did know. It helped me much more to listen to experience, strength and hope from all comers, and not just from the people who would co-sign my bullshit, as they say.
Recovery, for me, started after decades of attempts to think my way out of it, and years of off and on attempts at abstinence as a way to get outside forces (the law or spouse or boss) off my back.
For me, faith in the message “Everything is going to be alright. You will be able to stop drinking now” with absolutely no evidence backing it up, was the place I had to get to. I felt hopeless everyday in sobriety for months, but I took the action, I followed the directions of those who had gone before me. I had to get a little dumb and very humbled to finally tear down my ivory tower of knowledge (I have a master’s degree in clinical psychology, for god’s sake!) and pride. A man with almost no material wealth, a grocery store clerk, was my guide. He was a humble guy, who knew one thing solidly - how he got sober - and shared that with me freely.
Blessings on your house as you begin your journey.
Definitely feel all of this ringing true. Thank you for all of your input. I for sure recognize at times that my career gives an unusual disadvantage to an extent because like you said it’s hard to submit to the idea of not knowing as much as you thought.
I was a daily meth user for years so I know what it’s like. Hey man, you’re just coming down, these feelings WILL pass and you will feel better. Just let them be here with you now and don’t fight them, it’s normal to be depressed after you let yourself down.
You need the 12 step fellowship, but if you aren’t willing, try church or bible study. There are other programs that work, but the support that AA/NA offers is 2ND TO NONE.
Let me just point this out: You are feeling lonely and want support, but you don’t want to go to 12 step recovery meetings WITH other recovering addicts in attendence. Sounds kinda dumb, doesn’t it?
as you begin your journey.