I’ve been here before,
I’m cold but im sweating, I’m unable to eat, I’m unable to sleep.
I am in a constant pain everywhere in my body.
The drinking hurts. The smoking hurts.
The hating myself for hurting myself hurts.
Too afraid to speak my truth on suicidal thoughts with people, instead I kill myself slowly infront of a room of people.
I am literally laughing through painful aches, sharp pains, and the feeling of overall dread.
I wont go to doctor.
I dont want to.
I know its bad and I just want it to be that. I want to just die.
I’m tired of trying to be the girl I was before I found alcohol and drugs… she’s seemingly gone forever and all I have now is memories of laughing and it being real, smiling and it not being forced.
I let the girl in me down.
I let my family down.
I dont want to try again really i just want this to be done.
Sweetheart, I want you to go to the doctor. Please, yes, for me. A stranger on the internet.
There is so much pain in what you write. You will never get well without making that brave step to stop the torment going on in your head. You’re suffering needlessly alone.
In times you feel this low, remember, you are loved That people that love you so much, want you happy and healthy. For those people, you will get the help you need, because you don’t want to hurt or let them down. Make that promise to yourself.
Please please please, go to your doctor. You sound so low, that this is the only way. You’re not going to get out of this without medical help, the grip that the addiction has on you is too tight right now. It will not always be this way. You just need someone to take your hand and guide you in the right direction.
I’m new here, but I’m going to keep checking back on you. Your heart and head are not at peace, but I know better things will come if you take that brave step to talk to your doctor. I want to know how you’re doing, and I hope for great things for you. You will feel much stronger soon, you just have to do the hard things at first. Sending you much love
If you don’t want to go the Dr, have you tried AA/NA, SMART, Recovery Dharma, etc? Look up what is in your area and ring some numbers, head to a meeting. There will be no shame, everyone there has been through exactly what you are feeling, even if the situation is not the same. You can definitely laugh and smile, or just be quiet with yourself again.
Sending big hugs to you Tai. Please don’t give up the fight! Like @Misokatsu mentions, there are alternatives to seeing a doctor and these group can also help you.
I do understand how you are feeling, it sounds similar where I have been before. But please believe that things CAN get better. Please don’t stop trying because you just never know when the next time is going to be THE time - the time when recovery clicks and starts to really work.
It may not feel like it but you are worth it . you deserve a life free from this physical and mental pain .
Please consider reaching out to a recovery support group in your area, or if that feels like too much right now, if you are open to AA, you can join online meetings 24/7 and just log on and listen
It’s good to see you Tai. while it’s hard to see you suffering. I don’t think you yourself wants to die. Your addiction wants you dead. I know how it works, I’ve been there. When I got sober the urge to die left me. The relief was huge. Even though I was left with a big mountain to climb to make something out of my life instead of burying myself in substance abuse and addiction.
Still climbing that mountain, one day at a time. Not easy but so worth it, while staying in active addiction is totally worthless, and that’s exactly why we don’t see any worth in our lives when we are using.
And don’t go it alone. Get help. Professional, peer-to-peer, online, in real life. We need connection. We need help. Please find some. Big big hugs Tai.
Tai - your post is filled with such pain. My heart hurts for you. What Becsta said:
Please don’t stop trying because you just never know when the next time is going to be THE time - the time when recovery clicks and starts to really work.
There is help out there. And I know going to the doctor is scary, humbling, uncomfortable, etc But they have seen it all. Addiction is unfortunately, common.
Its so good to see u posting but im so sorry u going thru so much
I dont think we ever truly get back to where we were before the drugs and alcohol. But we CAN still be happy and joyous and free! We can become the person we want to be even with all of our past experiences. I think our past changes us to an extent but we dont have to keep on the same destructive path. I hear the hurt and pain in ur words. Its never too late to change the trajectory of ur life.
I have felt this 100%. Its an awful feeling to feel. I remember not even being able to look at photos of myself as a child becuz i felt like i disapponted her, hurt her, even abused her myself by what i used to do. I know its hard to not feel this way, but we need to give ourselves some grace. We were only doing the best we could with what we had and the knowledge that we had at the time. No one wakes up one day with the idea that we want to be addicted. U CAN change and become the woman that u want to be. Recovery opens many doors and the opportunities for self discovery are endless! I believe in u girl! Please keep connected to us and reach out for support whenever u want! Maybe some in person or online mtgs would help as well to start u on the right path again hugs
I was too, and I didn’t have the strength to clean up again. I had used all my strength on getting clean from dope and then the booze took me down. I hated myself, I felt so dumb. How could I have not known I couldnt drink… I was so full of shame, I had a baby girl that was being dragged through active addiction with me, sitting outside the bathroom door crying as her mommy dragged blades across her skin because she hated herself so much.
I get it Tai, I was there too. I remember that desperation and the feeling of absolute despair that I did not have the strength to stop. I didnt have it, I couldnt stop on my own I HAD to surrender. I had to get my will out of the way and I had to do all the things that other people were doing to stay clean.
You can do this Tai, but you wont do it on your own. We need each other, so stay with us and keep checking in. We have to fight this beast mother fucker addiction together.
That’s exactly where addiction and drugs put us in the end, a dark and desperate hole, burried in pain.
I wish you the strength to overcome those feelings. As desperate as I was, it definitely went better after dropping all the substances that kept me underground. It’s even worse till the cravings fade away, but it don’t last.
I had to say small prayer before responding. The pain you expressed took me back, back two yrs ago to that very same place you just described. The pain, the shame,that same ache of the mind (suicide) and body that only a large bottle could fix - yet at the same time it only compounded everything that was wrong with me.
I’d cry out “ for the love of God take me now”. To embarrassed to go to the doctor. To proud to admit defeat. that was until my body shut down and the ambulance was called. I was forced to see that I could not do this myself that I needed help. emphasized text I am not out of the woods yet. But I have hope! HOPE for tomorrow’s miracle. I am alive. I am thee happiest I have been in 40 yrs. I am not afraid any longer. Asking for help wasn’t the hardest thing i had to. Accepting I deserved to live was.”!” Please for the love of God seek help. That precious little girl in you (deserves) to live again. Never give up. Take care to be here now.
I am sorry for the delay in response and if I made anyone worry because of my absence with such a post. Im just struggling, im trying to figure out insurance so i can get help. Im not ready to give up. Im really so young… tonight is another hard night but today I said out loud to myself " Im not going to let my head or a substance take me"
No matter what, I want to try.
Thank you all for ur kind words. It moved me, really. Im still working to ween off the drink. Without professional assistance i find it a little harder but im down to a beer a day instead of a bottle.
Hopefully that can be considered progress…
That people that love you so much, want you happy and healthy. For those people, you will get the help you need, because you don’t want to hurt or let them down. Make that promise to yourself.
