Hey peeps, my friends gave me the nick of Angelbrite, they said because I made their days bright and therefore I was an angel
In recovery. These were peeps on social media and for nearly 19 yrs I’ve chosen to isolate in a huge way, besides I had my drugs, daughter and social media. All up as it stands Ive been addicted to stims for 29 years only having a short few breaks. Solitude was ny friend.
8 or 9 years I began with ice, the trail littering broken & burnt pipes along the way, euphoria, mind fucks, hallucinations, weight loss, improvements in energy, looks, my relationships and esp. those with my 2 children and all that anxiety, fear and self doubt just melted away.
I tried meth once and it became an almost daily event, which quickly turned into a bad habit but I was lucky in lots of ways and the great majority of consequences that befall a user of a substance, ie; stealing, arrests, prostitution, no food or money and homelessness that was all eased by the protection I was so lovingly offered by by partner to be, who very quickly took on the full time, demanding role of my Master.
WTF? I hear you mutter under your breath? We are both living in the BDSM Lifestyle, we live it 24/7; I am His full-time TPE slave.
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Originally I had found my own personal Utopia, my piece of Nirvana and in my mind I obviously had chemicals in the brain that were missing or lacking and I secretly believed I’d be on it happily for the rest of my life. If life was shortened by it aah well, I always knew I’d die young anyway.
so the pipe went by the wayside and I became what other people felt they could label “junkie” 
. It took a few years but now looking back on it all and even my last relapse, I did become everything I hated and deep down inside riddled with guilt and shame. The last few months of my ice use (& 420 too) I went downhill very quickly and in so many ways, spiritually, psychologically, in looks and attitude, coupled with a jaded sarcasm but at the same time a naivety and a trust which I went too far with or exhibited a complete lack of trust. So here I am 44 years old with diabetes and 25 years of liver cirrhosis - having abused my body and health so badly I am very surprised I am still here. 
Im struggling without my drug of choice but I know I couldn’t live one more day with it towards the end and certainly didn’t know how on earth I would ever live without it. So I did a home detox and I succeeded through everything because I knew there was nowhere left for me but death. While death is so seductive and tempting to me back then and times since then. I will not leave the legacy of suicide for my children as was left to me.
Now at 44 I want to live. To really live. Meaning just a walk to the park,vbeing able to sit there and relax into the environment. Just to watch a TV program or movie all the way through and to finally start feeling the benefits of a mind that is slowing down some.
No human was made to experience such overwhelming highs for so long and do it all without food, water or self-care.
I hope I end up belonging here. For I’ve never belonged before.
You never know.
9Thanks for whoever took the time to read these random thoughts of mine and I look forward to learning HEAPS and also I hope I can offer compassion, kindness and empathy to any sufferer in need with a listening and non judgmental ear.
Much love and respect
⚘Malika-Rose⚘
everything you wrote is as much beneficial to you as is for others and reading posts coming straight out of the hearth is a hell of thing. Sooo keep it up please