A thread for Future Me

Your Story
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Hello, all! Wanted to make an introduction after lurking (again). Here is a little bit about me and where I’m at with drinking:

For all intents and purposes, i am a fairly well functioning alcoholic (except those days when i need to hide from the world to get over a hangover bout, of course).

Great job (even got a promotion and raise this year), wonderful support system, both family and friends, loving & loyal partner (it’s not without its stresses of course, but that’s the nature of relationships in general), decent health (albeit some weight gain that I’ve been blaming on the pandemic for about 3 years now, haha).

But, this is my second time on this app, lurking and reading; I’ve listened to quit lit & podcasts off and on for a few years; I’ve made prior declarations to loved ones that i needed to stop; and now, turning 45 in a few months and accepting that i can’t control my drinking after i have that first glass, and that the emotional lows that come with overconsumption and the following day’s “hangxiety” and emotional instability, not to mention the way my brain sometimes flips during a drinking session into mean, or overly emotional, and i accept, again, that I’m not built the same way others who can have one or two drinks and then move along with their day are. It has to be a full-stop quit for me if I’m to see the benefits of being a non-drinker.

And of course, this doesn’t even take into account the future of my health, both physically and financially. The stability of my future is bound to how i take care of myself today – and if i keep continuing the way i have for the last 30 years, i don’t see how things could really end up okay, as time moves forward.

That all being said: it’s been 8 days since my last drink, but at least 10 years of thinking, “i need to make a change.” Tomorrow isn’t a guarantee, but at least for today i know i won’t drink. I do suspect that tomorrow will be alright too, though. :blush:

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8 days congrats :clap:

Welcome to the community :raising_hand_woman:
I’m glad you decided to post, I lurked around for a while too, if I’m honest I must have an old account here from when I was wanting to quit a few years back but hadn’t, downloaded and deleted the app a few times, but now it’s one of the main pillars in my sobriety along with the supportive people here.

Nice to meet you :slightly_smiling_face:

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Welcome to the show!

I could have written this as it was my story too, almost identical, even down to the ‘two times on this app’!

One day at a time is the way to go, just don’t drink today and you will be ok!

Again, welcome and I’m looking forward to hearing the story of you evolve! :v:

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Welcome to TS. Lots of wonderful people and support here. I knew for 10 years before I was able to ACCEPT it and embrace recovery. Grateful to be here.

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Haha same! I downloaded this app last week and had a profile already loaded. Past Me was anticipating Future Me’s needs, apparently. :smiling_face_with_tear:

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Welcome back, and congrats on 8 days. Not everyone’s rock bottom is a literal face down in the gutter. Simply recognizing that it’s no longer fun might be all you need to keep this going. The hardest part is behind you, get ready for the ride.

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Wow! I could have written those exact words, even down to the age stated. It’s a comfort to know we are not alone. Congratulations on 8 days! One week at a time, one day at a time.

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Welcome back. I was a fellow lurker too for years on this app. When i first started lurking i was also functional but as those lurking year’s passed so did the functional part … it creeps up on you when you least expect it, a bit like lockdown weighgain. The hanxiety only gets worse over time, never better. Checking in here daily and talking rather than lurking really helped me. Congrats on your 8 days x

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Thanks, all! I may use this thread as a lil mini journal; i read through another member’s similar thread that spanned over 2 years and i simply loved it (hi, @Beachy!). Ttyl, and stay safe to anyone in the path of Winter Storm Olive. I have a mean black cat with the same name, so i expect this one is gonna be a real doozy. :grimacing::grimacing::laughing:

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Finishing up day 13. Went to my parents’ anniversary dinner tonight and beforehand stopped into an old friend’s pub across the street to say hi. Really could see myself having a pre-dinner glass of wine there, then one or two at dinner, then a bottle or two while hanging out with the family at my childhood home after dinner, staying the night, then having a rough go at the day tomorrow, thus starting the cycle again to start the new week… glad I’ve been checking in here every day and am currently listening to the audio version of the book, “Mrs D Is Going Without” – has anyone read or listened to that one? I’m loving it…

Anyway, suffice it to say, i credit being “into” my sobriety from alcohol right now for getting me through the eve with just club soda, some great chats and laughs with the fam and my old friend earlier, and now home in my bed with my hon a couple hours later, having an early & calm night that didn’t spiral out in the way it most certainly could have, if i had pursued what would have been a very typical way to spend a night like tonight.

Here’s to the beginning of Week 3… 🩷

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Wonderful work @Ballroomdaze

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It took me a long time to accept the fact that my brain is wired differently as well. Its a tough pill to swallow, and fustrating too, especially in social situations. Like you, I’ve always been very “functional”, but the older I get the less I can handle the after effects, and the less that I want to honestly.

I hear you and I’m proud of you. Keep strong :two_hearts:

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13 days is great and your story sounds a lot like my journey as well. And yes, I read Mrs. D along my sobriety journey…I was a quit lit reader for years while actively drinking. Glad you are working your sober muscles and finding some pride and purpose in sobriety. We get so beat down over the years, especially as we get older and those years of drinking and self abuse add up. So glad you are here and fighting for a healthier you. :heart:

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aww- thanks :slight_smile: it has certainly helped me to keep a journal / log that is easy to get back to without having to find where i put that dam book- hahah!
and Welcome!

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I’m back on the app after falling off the wagon three weeks into my quit earlier this year, when i decided that i didn’t actually need to “quit” – fast forward to now, 6 months later, and I’m currently laid up for the next 2-4 months from a broken ankle suffered on holiday… while drinking too much wine. I’m glad i had that thread from Feb to read through – play the tape forward and all that…

So, back to quit lit, quit pods, and this app. Missed you guys and wishing everyone well on their journeys. :heart:

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Welcome back to you. I’m sorry that you broke your ankle. Glad you’re here where you’ll get lots of caring and support to be sober.

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Been checking in a bit over on the main check in thread, but didn’t want to leave my own thread hanging if anyone’s reading it, haha.

Thanks to this community for being so great to check in with & read these last 3 weeks. 3 weeks and 1 day as of midnight tonight. Officially the longest I’ve gone without drinking since 2018, i believe. 2016 for sure (did 30 during the holidays AND the election of 45 – not sure how i managed THAT one, lol!).

Anyway… I’m sitting here in my new pink hard cast; had surgery almost 2 weeks ago, then 10 days later got the splint off and the stitches out. Now we wait 4 more weeks to get the cast off and into the boot, then 4 more weeks after that until i can apply pressure and start relearning to walk.

All because i tripped getting out of a chair in the dark after a super lovely day on vacation at the Finger Lakes, a day which happened to include a decent amount of wine. Did the wine cause all of this? It certainly didn’t help. But it does seem unfair. Even though I’ve gone back and forth and back and forth about drinking for at least 15 years (if not longer), i still don’t think i was totally ready/willing to 100% quit. So this time off feels forced and like a punishment sometimes.

But, i can’t deny that, even though I’m on the verge of a meltdown any time i let myself really think about the reality of the next two months, i can’t deny that I’ve already found this really satisfying uptick in productivity (computer-based, anyway), have caught up on some good content, and have had the clarity to really understand that the relationship i have with my partner is not destined to last past this year. Having this clearness is helping me to keep the emotional reaction to the shittiness of this past year & the misplaced blame for why things went wrong / why maybe they were never destined to go right in the first place, in check and to allow the end to come with no blow up. To come with some emotional intelligence.

I’m mad the accident happened; it cut off my summer. Now i sit watching these last idyllic days go by instead of going on long walks, one more camping trip, watching the Bills home opener with friends at a favorite watering hole… but there have been silver linings, too, and maybe this forced “retirement” came at the exact right time. I was reading a current thread about controlled drinking, and know that’s the exact same conversation I’ve had with myself time and time again…

I also found a journal entry i wrote at this time last year, that enumerated all these same things, and in which i implored myself to have a “great last 5 months of the year,” but that time has come and gone and I’m not sure how much i really accomplished during that time period… i know sobriety wasn’t one of them, but hey, at least i didn’t break any bones. :melting_face:

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Not too much to report, still just hanging out in a cast working from home, but hey, i reached 30 days (from alcohol) and that’s alright. :sunglasses::pray:

Screenshot_20230926_212804_Sober Time
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Figured i should update this thread for posterity, and to give Future Me something to look back on… and, maybe it can help someone else, too.

Since my last check in, I’ve “allowed” myself to have some drinks 6 times. My counter of days just hit 90. So, 6 evenings of drinks in 3 months.

While this might sound like the beginning of a, “Hey, look, i can moderate!” post, it’s not.

I had these evenings of drink while a) still in a cast and using a knee scooter, b) after regaining some mobility but still being fairly weak in recovery from surgery, c) and at least 3 of the evenings ended in sh!tty vibes with my partner who hates my using, and the last evening ended in me stumbling around/falling.

Yeah, just as I’m finally beginning to walk again after breaking an ankle… after falling while drunk.

So, this post is instead an anti-moderation post. Even one binge can be detrimental to my health, well-being, and relationship, and every time i have one drink, it will become a binge, and therefore, ipso facto, i cannot drink.

I read in another post that alcohol provides an escape from self, and while i never really saw it as that, i do recognize the truth in it when i think about the vibe when I’m using. And very much yes, it’s a “benefit” i was seeking, pretty much every time. Now to figure out why, and how a life never escaping Self may look.

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Someone, who was much wiser than me, told me that “The secret to getting what you really want, is to want nothing.”

The same principal applies with the desire to escape self or life. If we shed the reasons to escape, we will not have the desire to.

That is what recovery is all about, shedding the reasons to escape. It’s what makes long term sobriety not only achievable, but desireable.

Ask yourself, what am I hiding from? That is where you want to focus your recovery on.

Wish you well. :pray:

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