I am over a year clean. I’m way late on writing this, 17 days this time… 
I’m having a really hard time right now, like horrible. I’m failing my college classes, all three. It’s taking all I have not to walk down the street and buy a pack of blades, I’m dying to be numb to all my stresses, my demons screaming, I just want it all to STOP. 
My fiancé is trying to help as best he can, but he can only do so much and I don’t want him to take on my demons along with his own. His go haywire when he tries to help me, because his guard is down they just go at him. I’ve nearly lost him twice to those bastards I’ve nearly lost the love of my life. My demons want me to die, ever since I didn’t die on my 18th birthday, like they had planned.
I was doing everything they planned, and then turned around on them and said “No. you won’t control me.” They went crazy and have tortured me ever since, beating me down and trying to suffocate me… Paranoia is the biggest one, and laughs at me the most. “Nobody truly loves you,” it whispers. “Your fiancé is with you out of obligation, he never loved you to begin with.”
Self-Hatred whispers too, no, screams. “You’re ugly, disgusting, worthless trash! No one will miss you if you die!”
I try to scream back at them, but I can’t. I’m drowning, they’re pulling me under. I can’t take much more… I’m not suicidal but some days I just wish I wouldn’t wake up… (I’m in a safe place, I have no means to harm myself or kill myself.) Thanks for listening to my rant, I appreciate it 
Keeping you in my prayers 
Remember that you are loved by many people. You have a purpose in this world. Stand up! Get ready! Move forward! You have much to accomplish today- Give to God, pray, give thanks and keep GRATITUDE top of mind. Also, remember that you have goals to achieve today-You’ve got this!
I hear you,what we as addicts go through is definitely not for the faint of heart.Dealing with the aftermath of active addiction is overwhelming at times.Its like a neverending tsunami of little packages filled with crap that are seething to be opened.Suprise! this one holds self-harm! Please enjoy responsibly sort of deal.It sucks terribly but if it keeps popping up there is a lesson there.Theres more that needs to be discovered,healing, processing, embracing and therapy never hurt anyone either.(please don’t quote me on that last statement)Take a deep breath and remember how far you have come.You can and will get through this.Focus on a solution and not the problem.You are not alone.
I am thankfully in therapy and learning to manage my urges. Some days are just hard…