Well it’s coming up to the first anniversary of my brother’s death. This time last year, in fact for most of 2016, I was completely off the rails. I’ve spent the past few weeks drinking again on and off… certainly not to the extent I used to which is a positive right?
I feel so angry with myself. I let myself slip into old habits far too easily. I know it’s a difficult time for me right now, with it being the holidays just gone and now the anniversary coming up later this month. But I can’t help but feel like I’m using it all as an excuse, a justification for my behaviour. No one forced me to drink, in fact everyone has been so supportive of my sobriety. Each time it was my decision at the end of the day. I’m not using any coping strategies, I’m not talking to anyone, I keep missing my sessions with my key worker… (my alcohol key worker left the service and I’ve been passed onto someone else. I’ve never really warmed to this other lady so I’ve been avoiding seeing her).
So after resetting a few times, today marks my 2nd day alcohol free and counting! I hope to god this gets easier. I know I’m stronger than I think, I’ve gotten through some really challenging things in my life but this is by far the hardest.
I don’t want to go back there again. I can’t. The things I did and said whilst drunk, I feel sick just thinking about the past mistakes I made. Lets just say I burned a lot of bridges.
But it’s a new year right?