AA help.. what am I doing 🤦‍♀️

[Solanaceae]

It’s not really the people there, in fact everyone is lovely, I’m sure this is a ME issue so could do with some guidance on how to remedy this.

So, I get there around 5 mins before the meeting starts, I’m fine then chatting to people, usually the ones I’m sitting next to and the odd person will come and say hello… general chit chat I’m fine with. Then the meeting starts. I dont know if it’s the fact everyone is sitting facing eachother or the (REALLY!!) bright lights or what but then I start feeling awkward… the sharer is sharing and instead of really tuning into what they’re saying, my mind is wandering, I’m taking some parts in, others not. Then at the end, this group takes it in turns to speak back to the group about what they… well this is it, I just dont know what? Like, wtf are they taling about… there seems to be this etiquette that I haven’t grasped and if I’m being honest, I just find cringey “thank you for your service” “thank you for XYZ” bla bla bla, it feels almost dishonest, like they’re talking off a script because, well, normal people dont talk like that… it’s like everyone there has been given a script to read off, they know what to say, they know how to put what they’re thinking across so eloquently and relate to the sharer/chair person so well, its like they’re all part of a group that I’m not yet part of… then it comes my turn (and with this group theres a feeling that you HAVE to speak because they work their way around the room then when its your ‘turn’ they all stare at you… then when you DO share everyone is looking at you, expressionless, so that and the stupidly bright fucking lights ( I mean you cant get away from them) makes me clam up and feel so awkward and not good enough to be speaking, I have a lot to say and I’m usually quite articulate when speaking but as soon as I open my mouth there it all gets twisted and just, stupid…I feel so ‘outside’ and when I leave I feel really deflated and kinda shitty. Even tonight, I didn’t want to speak because I just didnt know what to say, well I sort of do but I’m worried it will be wrong and I’ll feel worse if I do so I just said thank you and that I didnt know what to say. Of course they were all lovely about it and thanked me for being there.

Then I’m never prepared, I always forget to take money in with me for the ending (I rarely carry cash now because of covid so dont even have coins lying around, card only) so that makes me feel bad and like a leper and OF COURSE I never remember it until I’m already in the meeting so nothing I can do about it at that point… then, rather than hanging around at the end (which I’m sure would help me get to know everyone) my anxiety has built up so much I scurry out of there feeling stupid and tonight, like I wanted to drink.
I wont, I have work in the morning thank god so i can’t. OH and then I realised as i was on my way to my car i left my fricken tea cup under my seat so now I’m the non sharing, non donating, tea cup leaver (I’m sure no one cares but I DO)

Urgh god its making me not want to go back… and its nothing that they are doing or not doing… I GET a lot of it and so want to do it as I need the support but why is it making me feel so shit?

Can anyone relate or has any advice?

(Disclaimer: I know this is most likely all in my head, I do know that, but it’s also my reality regardless of where its coming from. So if its sounding all me me me, well that’s just the nature of the beast I’m also fighting with…in my mind. Its ALL my fault and ALL about me or what I’m doing/not doing right. I did take some medication (beta blocker) before I went in to try and quieten all the chatter down but it didnt really help…)

[Bubonicphoniks]

Haha. Thats actually one of the best descriptions of an AA meeting ive ever read.

But it works!

[Solanaceae]

Yep. So I keep hearing, which is why I wanna go.

Will I get used to it? One day will I also be talking like them? WHEN DO I GET THE SCRIPT? (Not prescription…) I swear if one day I do I big share and someone gives me one of those weak ass fake thank yous I’m walking out the door… (I wont really because Im chicken but I’ll feel like it… << angry fist shake)

[moonchild7994]

There definitely is an etiquette to AA / NA meetings. I don’t think it’s “fake” because being of service which is the 12th step is pretty big in recovery. Like helping with coffee, putting away the chairs, setting up the meeting, bringing the treats, being one of the people that chair the meeting so when people genuinely say thank you I think they mean it. I think honestly your addiction was messing with your head. Our disease doesn’t want us at meetings, our disease doesn’t want us to have a Higher Power, our disease doesn’t want us getting sober. It could be that that meeting isn’t for you too. There are speaker meetings where someone who has been sober a long time shares their experience strength and hope and how they are sober and what they’re life is like now and you don’t have to talk. There are step working meetings where you go over the steps and comment/share on that. There are discussion meetings where someone has a topic or reading and then people comment on that. There’s candlelight meetings where you dim the lights and light a candle and share on the topic or what’s going on in your life. Technically if you don’t want to share you can say “I’m so and so and I’m an alcoholic (or addict) and I’m just gonna listen” or you could share about where you’re at which is totally fine too. People do that all the time you don’t have to stay on topic but yeah it is normal for your mind to be going all over the place when you are new to meetings just find one you are comfortable in and you will get the lingo the more you go. A lot of the language comes out of the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, same goes for Narcotics Anonymous. But yeah I really hope you have a better experience and find place you feel comfortable in because they definitely exist!!!

[Solanaceae]

Awww thank you for that I really appreciate it

Thing is, this one is the only one I can currently make, the friday night one. So I’m really keen to make it work/stick. I like the sound of the candle lit one though… I swear it’s those big bright lights that get me, theres 8 of them, 8!!! In a smallish room

Its probably me, it’s all weird and new… and interesting what you say about my addiction not wanting me to be there… all I kept hearing tonight was “you dont belong here” “they dont want you here” “you’re gonna embarrass yourself” “ooh what’s that? You feel bad now? You know what will help with that??” Ffs I’m going to AA to stop drinking not to make me want to do it more maybe it’s the social thing, it’s kind of a theme with me, drinking away social awkwardness/anxiety so should be no surprise…

[Bubonicphoniks]

Haha. You will not get a fake ass thank you if you do a big share. There is an hour to kill and so a lot of the people who have done it for awhile do kinda phone in their shares to help move time along. There is usually good stuff in them though.

I find myself sharing like that sometimes. I dont know when I got the script. I highly suggest getting a sponsor and working the steps if youre serious about doing anything to stay sober.

And always continue to laugh and call out the BS…

Loved your post. Why not share about this stuff in a meeting? You can’t ruin an AA meeting.

[AyBee]

That’s not how my home meetings are run at all.
Mine are super casual, run so everyone can speak (or not) so time management is good, there is no pressure to do anything and after people speak we just thank them. Everyone seems to appreciate this running method and we all become friends quickly, letting people open up in the time they feel comfortable.

If you don’t like how the meeting is run, try a different one. They really are soooo different, and your comfort with how it runs and how it makes you feel is a big part of its success. I tried quite a few before hitting on my home group… which really really does feel like home. Safe.

Go well

[Ray_M_C_Laren]

My first few meetings i sat on my hands because they wouldnt stop shaking , and anice wee woman gave me a half cup of tea so i wouldnt spill it and after afew meetings they had a dance in local hall and i didnt have a shirt or tie so the lovely ladies went out and bought me a shirt and tie and i enjoyed the dance sober that was over 35 years ago now glad i staid and planted my ass on a seat , wish you well

[Dazercat]

I have only been to a few meetings in my time and they were with my kids or Al-Anon. Those bright lights would drive me insane. Proud of you for going and really wanting to work it. And trying to make it work.

[Solanaceae]

Oh no this group isn’t like that at all. It’s very… well, scripted and planned. They have time frames that are allotted for certain topics, clock watching throughout. We got “told off” at the start today because no one wanted to do “service” well, some did but no one new so that put a dampener on it… I was gonna offer to do the teas and coffees but someone got in there first and I’m only 31/32 days sober so cant do anything else really… then before you speak of course you have to name yourself, eg “hi I’m jen and I’m an alcoholic”, “HI JEN” they all say, then when each person has finished talking everyone says “thank you jen!” but for EACH person… I guess we have to do that but for 20 people?? It gets a little much

I like the sound of your group

[Eke]

It can be a little odd at first for sure. A few important things that helped me when I was starting out…

1. You don’t have to share. “I’d just like to listen” is 100% okay to say.
2. You don’t have to do anything. Set the expectations aside and just take it in. It’s what the meeting’s about. No need to worry about talking or contributing or whatever. They’re genuinely just glad you’re there and sober (just like here!).
3. There’s always another meeting. Check out other ones! Tbh, the thing about the lights sounds really weird.
4. Listen for the similarities. Go to a few meetings and you will eventually hear your own story or experience spoken by a perfect stranger. Including how they got through it if you’re lucky.

As for the rest of what seems like unspoken etiquette, I dunno. Maybe comes with time.

One piece of etiquette that’s good to understand is “No crosstalk on another’s program.” Almost a universal at meetings. It means, during the meeting try to only speak about your experience and how you’re feeling. Try not to speak/address other people’s shares during the meeting.

There’s a few reasons for this, I think, but above all it keeps the focus where it ought to be: Our own recovery, first and foremost. And my recovery is the reason I’m there.

[Eke]

Truly though, folks will just be excited you’re there. Just being in the meeting means we’re trying, and we’re not out there drinking. And that’s to be celebrated!

[AyBee]

Wowser… Your group would not see me again.
Maybe it’s an Australian thing, but we do things a little different here. There are actually quite a few meetings I would be happy to go to that are really cool… The only thing stopping me is timing and convenience. I also really enjoy the smaller meetings.
I would keep looking if I were you, though appreciate your conundrum of not having much choice that fits into your life schedule.
In the end, you should be uplifted by the meeting and not squashed down. Their slightly militant running rules seem to stifle comfort.
Fuck 'em.
Find one that fits you.
As always, you’re worth it.

[Eke]

Yeah. I’ve been to meetings that are super structured, and others that are so chaotic I think I’d have been scared off if it were my first meeting, even if it was hilarious. And everything in between.

There’s a meeting for everyone, I reckon.

[Solanaceae]

Thank you that helps I think next week I’ll get there a little bit earlier when its quiet and talk this over with some people there, I think it will help if I feel like some people know how I’m feeling, I’m sure they will want to help. Theres nothing wrong with anyone there, at all, it’s just all so weird and I dont feel like I know what I’m doing, I feel like something is expected of me that I cant give them if that makes sense? So each time I leave feeling like I’ve failed at something. Like I’m at a party I haven’t been invited to but then, if I’m honest with myself I’ve ALWAYS felt like that… which is why I used to drink

[Matt]

Hi Jen I’m not sure if this relates directly to the AA meeting experience your had but I just want to say I have felt out of place in many environments because my mind just operates so differently from others’. I have what my addiction recovery counsellor described as “the highest score for ADHD I’ve ever seen” in a 20-year career (and that’s saying a lot because ADHD is common in people in addiction).

I relate quite a bit to this experience:

@Solanaceae

my mind is wandering, I’m taking some parts in, others not

Whether or not this experience for you is tied to ADHD, it is a feeling I have quite often, and usually at the most significant emotional times:

• important meetings and trainings with colleagues and clients (I often drift off and have to catch up; I do ok but it is a panic for me when I realize I am missing something)
• conversations with loved ones (my wife, my family) - to the extent that it can seem to them that I am ignoring them, or they’re not important

Anyway - you’re not alone in feeling dissociated or disconnected. And you should dig into that. You will find places and people where you are comfortable and you find your groove. Showing up early and connecting with some people as you suggested is a good idea - that will help feel a sense of personal connection. It may end up that you’ll change meetings as well, if ultimately there’s something about this one specifically that won’t work for you. But don’t give up. Don’t give up on connecting with people (in whatever format works) so that you can walk a path to presence, healthy and sober and here with the people who matter.

You’re a good person and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.

[Solanaceae]

Funny you should say that about ADHD, I’ve wondered it for a while but I can also be very organized too, when I focus on something, so I’ve always just pushed it to one side.

I’ll try to explain something I’ve begun to notice that I do quiet a lot… say I’m at work, I’ll be given a task to do, I’ll do it differently to other people, I suppose it could look like I’m making things more complicated for myself (and people have said this) but for me, the way I’ve worked it out it seems easier, then I’ll get to work, but flit between one thing then the next, usually quite organized in my head though, like “theres a method to my maddness” kind of thing then for some reason, right at the end, I’ll walk off and forget the last few things I was supposed to do. I dont even realise until I get pulled up on it. Its like I think, “ok, all that’s needed to do now is XYZ, i can get that in a minute, oh wait… what’s that over there??” Then I’ll get stuck into whatever the “thing” is… I do this A LOT though it’s a good job I’m otherwise quite industrious because my boss would be sick of me by now

I’m like you in conversations, I find it really hard to totally focus on what someones saying. I’m always having to pull myself “back into the room” then I kick myself for not being present enough with friends and family.

I remember once when I was first learning to drive… I was driving along and there was this really nice cat… I just watched this cat out the passenger window and said “oh! Theres a cat!” As I was DRIVING… luckily my instructor saw the funny side and we carried on (no one was hurt. ) now, it was a REALLY nice cat but I’ve always thought, man if there was any time NOT to get distracted by a cat then when you’re first learning to drive (or driving at all…) is one of them

So yeah, could be that. Or I could just have a scatter brain

[Mbwoman]

Reminds me of this tshirt…

[Solanaceae]

Omg this is exactly like me

I could be mid conversation then go “wow look at that tree!” Then stop and admire the tree… but then I think everyone would do that if they liked trees as much as I do.

[Mbwoman]

Hey, it’s not your fault you have a passion for nature! Cats…trees…