So true. I feel the same way myself, often.
Ultimately the only thing that matters is today. The only time we have - ever - is the present. The only thing that matters is staying present, sober, in this moment.
As addicts we had/have well-developed escape routes. We have built them over years. We run to them so easily it goes without thinking.
When we choose to live life fully present with ourselves (sober), we learn new strategies for living life. We use mental and emotional and social and communication tools that we learn in recovery work. For some people it’s counselling, for others it’s recovery groups, for others it’s books, for many people it’s a combination of all three (or more).
Life is better sober. I promise. Yes it takes effort. But I promise it’s better.
I can promise you one thing though: you don’t have to worry about forever. You don’t have to answer questions about “you gave it up forever?” (When you think about it that’s kind of like asking “you’ve decided to eat food every day forever?” You eat food every day because you need it to live.)
Today is the only day that matters. And all you have to do is go to bed sober.
There’s some really good memoirs about people’s recovery journeys here - if you have some reading time you might enjoy one:
Resources for our recovery
Take care brother and remember: you’re a good person and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.