I’m 5 years 8 months 27 days sober, I am not where I’ve envisioned myself to be it feels quite shameful to admit I am the unhappiest I’ve ever been, I got sober at such a young age in a rehab that abused me physically and psychologically and emotionally for two years straight in inhumane ways, it changed me so much that pre sober me’s problems are insignificant in comparison, I stayed sober because I didn’t want the things I’ve been through in there to be for nothing, I’ve been out of that rehab for a little over 3 years now but my life paused afterwards I’ve lost all ambition. And to me that number is just a reminder of how good I’ve had it before all of that trauma. It’s supposed to be a number that motivates me, it doesn’t. I don’t miss drugs as much as I miss life. I’ve isolated myself after coming home from rehab out of exhaustion, my spark is gone and I am tired of pretending that I am better sober because I’m not. I am a shell of who I used to be. I don’t know if relapsing would fix things because its not a portal to pre trauma me even though I wish it was but everyone’s gone it won’t be the same. So I honestly don’t know what to do, or how to get myself back it feels like I’ve lost myself in there, and I can’t move on I can’t move past everything that happened to me in there or move past that other people are also in there being abused.
I’m proud of you and all you have accomplished. 5+ yrs is no joke & did take a lot of work on your part as I see it.
Therapy & stay sober is my rec. Going back to drinking or drugs solves not one fucking thing. Work with another person/counselor who is educated in trauma & substance abuse.
Our past is not what defines our days going forward, friend. Big hugs
First off I wanna say congratulations on your clean time and I’m sorry that you had to go through those scenarios in treatment. It shouldn’t be that way at all. Are you working with the Sponsor? If so, have you talked to them if they’re not helping find a new sponsor. Talk to your home group if you have one. Just change what you’re doing now find a new group find a new sponsor and I know it’s hard to say but put yourself out there a little bit more. I know that it’s hard, especially from what happened in treatment when you put yourself out, but just trust in the Lord that he has your best interest at heart and he is always there for you.
And if there is anything I can do to help please let me know. I would like to stay in touch and help you through this. Idk why I feel that way but just wanted to put that out there.
Stay strong. You got it
Big hugs to you 
You are not alone 
Congrats on your sobriety, still intact, still working recovery 
Is something in particular going on in your life or is it a general mäh?
I remember you lost your sponsor due to family changes on their side. Do you have a new sponsor?
Two things I know for sure:
- Relapsing brings you nowhere but straight to the shitshow
- There unfortunately is no back to pre-trauma
Can you work on your trauma in some kind of therapy? It sure is not easy to find trust again after getting traumatized in an environment that is supposed to help & support. But we can’t do it alone. None of us. We all need help in different ways, from different sources.
From what you write, I would like to suggest to get checked for depression.
No advice from me, just keep going, keep us posted here and use your toolbox even when it feels mäh. Did you journal?
Here comes a bag filled with sparkling, kindness, joy and smiles 
Please take what you need