Hi. I don’t even know how to start. I feel awful.
Today’s my second day of hungover. I drunk when I was on pills for my PTSD, ADHD and anxiety. I mean - I didn’t take pills and drink at the same time but it was the same day. And I’m taking pills now for over 2 weeks. Yesterday I decided that I quit drinking and smoking cigarettes (and funny cigarettes).
I realized how bad alcohol and other things were in my life and they hurt me so many times. I’m ACA - my ex- stepfather was drinking. I had to run away from him with my mom when I was 12. But for over 6 years I was living with him under the same roof. He was very abusive towards me and mom didn’t seem to recognize it at first. I was depressed, I cried, I screamed but I don’t really remember many things from my childhood. I’m afraid I was hurt by someone and trauma just made me forget it.
My biological father’s mom was drinking. She also had Alzheimer’s disease so she was drinking untill she started forgetting to do anything. She didn’t even recognize me. We were close but she hated my mom. Like whole my father’s family - they all hated my mom. I always tried to protect her - I felt responsible for her even when I was 6 and she was over 30.
Almost everyone in my family had some kind of problem. My uncle who I didn’t even meet - he ODed. Other uncles had alcoholic problem. Every holiday, family meeting, always - alcohol and cigarettes. I hated it. I promised myself that if I ever have kids I will never have any alcohol on the table during holidays.
I started drinking when I was 12/13. Now I’m 25. I was high functioning alcoholic. Of course it started with one or two beers at the meeting with friends. Then it was some Martini, wines, vodka - anything just to get the booze. There were times that I couldn’t go to school without a drink first. My parents still don’t know about it.
I always wanted to drink because it made me immortal. Nothing mattered and I didn’t have to think about my emotions and feelings. It was numbing me in a very good way then. Or as I thought. I wasn’t really likeable person at school. Kids didn’t like me cuz I had other experiences in my life already and I always had older friends.
When I was 15 I fell in love with a guy who was 11 years older (in my country it’s nothing illegal - don’t be alarmed). He was my first but we knew it doesn’t make sense because of the age difference. I started seeing his best friend who was in love with me (I didn’t know) but as friends only. He made me feel completely different so I started dating him after a few months.
He almost killed me. He was drinking. Drinking with me also. But getting drunk was his everyday job. He was a narcissist and abuser. He raped me multiple times - he was abusive in all the ways you can imagine I guess. I was with him over 1.5 year.
He was the worst man I met in my life.
I have so many stories but everything comes to the one thing. I don’t know how but every one who I try to date has some kind of unhealthy addiction and I can’t see it at the beginning. I broke up with my last boyfriend as soon as I realized he’s not gonna quit drinking.
After two or three weeks I had another mental breakdown. (Two years ago around Christmas I tried to commit a suicide). I had the same thoughts this time. As I said at the beginning I’m on pills now but somehow I had to drink. I realized I have the same addiction as everyone around me. I hope I’ll get better.
I decided to join an ACA support group in my City. Maybe I’ll find help there.
I don’t know why I even wrote all this things here. I guess I have no one to talk about it.
