Just spent a lovely afternoon with family, 4 generations, 20 of us all together in my neice and partners house.
History; My brother is 24; he stayed with me 2 years ago for 6 months in uk, to give my dad and step mum a break from a cocaine addict . He was put in rehab twice and ‘escaped’ twice after a couple of weeks. So he came to stay with me. I got him a job. As soon as he got a job he was scoring coke again and I had to kick him out. He went back to Spain with my dad. But not before he had drunk loads at a family Christmas do and threw up all in the house and family had to clean it up.
In May this year at my dad’s big family birthday party he was high and was drinking all night and was taken to hospital as he had convulsions. Family that came from uk to my dads party said sorry to hear about your brother; I got quite angry saying not to feel sorry for him as he was so selfish and has a drug and alcohol problem.
So back to today. He came over with my dad for Christmas and at the family gathering . We watched as he drank everything he could, beer, red wine, rosé … on the way back to the hotel tonight I got told he had been sick all over the rental car, himself, his new tracksuit.. my other brother and sister and my sisters partner and my dad had to clean up after him again.
I am just so angry and sad for my dad and for this addict brother that does not give a shit about himself or others. I will probably see them all tomorrow. I just don’t know what can be helpful anymore and he will just carry on living in my dad’s house the same. No one can get through to him. All I can think really now is power of prayer over anger. As anger has never got me or any good outcome.
I don’t have any advice for you but I wanted to say how sorry I am for you, and your brother, and the family you share, as situations like this are heart-breaking for everyone involved. You’re right, anger can’t make him stop and won’t make you feel okay about it. But I suppose nothing else will allow you to fix your brother either. I wish it could be done. Hang in there.
That’s an awful situation.
As long as somebody enables him, cleans up the mess he causes, provide shelter and support nothing will change.
Get into al-anon, build strict boundaries and hard consequences, stop tolerating this behaviour. Yes, that means excluding the person, leave it in their bullshit, not engaging. Yes, it means therapy and work on oneself, hard cuts of letting go, rediscovering kindness for yourself and staying away because you deserve better. It is hard, but not radically changing your approach towards the addict and their behaviour will only prolong what already happens. For all of you, it’s a family desease, all suffer.
There is a thread for loved ones who are addicts, have a good read around and feel welcome to share, vent, talk about what’s on your plate. You are not alone
