Sorry that your upbringing was like this Sienna… A lot resonates and I’m sure you have had a hell of a lot to navigate and contend with. This stuff shows up as a footprint in every thing we go on to do as adults, and it can be debilitating and scary and harmful.
We could be the same person. My mom’s pattern is get a job/new friend… Have conflict… Massive arguement or fight and it’s all the other persons fault… She hates them and gathers her minions to hate them too… Then she moves on to the next unsuspecting fool. She has zero emotional honesty or intimacy with her friendships, only boozing, negativity, moaning, woe is me and hateful world views.
Even what you said about forced consumption… Wow, I haven’t really though about how her feeding me really fucked up my eating style, but it did… I’ll think on that one some more!
I’m proud of you too, and you are doing everything exactly right for yourself. It takes bloody guts to be true to yourself… Keep doing it, because you MATTER.
See! You know exactly how confusing it is to see your own mother put you second to men. To teach you that your purpose is to appease and to serve them. To compromise yourself, your needs and likely your boundaries.
My younger brother is her golden child and he’s the one who discovered her narcissism first. She desperately wants his validation and he gives her absolutely nothing.
My older brother lives with her and has panic attacks every day. He takes medication for paranoid schizophrenia. He has no idea that she is probably the source to most of his emotional disturbances.
Speaking of misogynistic women… have you ever seen the Barbie movie?
It’s about the patriarchy and the struggles women deal with daily.
One night when my mom came to visit my brother, I went over there and we put on that movie to watch with my 16 year old and 6 year old nieces.
At some point my mother says to me and them ‘wouldn’t it be amazing to have a perfect body like that?’
I was dumbfounded. I so desperately wanted to say ‘are you missing the entire point of the movie?? Well of course you are, you emotional idiot’
I didn’t of course. That would’ve just been fuel for her.
It’s always those little toxic things they do and say.
When you stand up to them they cry and somehow make you feel like the bad guy.
One time she was treating a waiter at a restaurant like trash. It really upset me. Not only from a human decency standpoint, but I’ve worked in the service industry and I have a soft spot for the crap they take. So I asked her ‘why are you talking to him like that?’
She just started bawling and somehow turned the whole thing on me and then I felt guilty for making her cry. Insanity!
We look back on these things and think WTF.
You’re absolutely right when you say “This stuff shows up as a footprint in every thing we go on to do as adults, and it can be debilitating and scary and harmful.”
It does take guts and look at us transmuting such painful memories into finding common ground and community
I hope you’re having a narcissist and substance abuse free day.
Do something nice for yourself today.
Oh, Barbie would send my mother into an existential crisis. Firstly, she likely wouldn’t get it, despite it being pretty basic and viewer friendly. Secondly, if she did get it, she would be absolutely furious about it’s ‘silliness’ and woke agenda. Thirdly, she doesn’t watch movies, I’ve only ever seen her blackout on the sofa.
Being a gay woman, I’m not her ideal daughter, you can imagine . That’s another story altogether, but her abuse towards that aspect of my life has been utterly damaging to my own detriment; I’ve seriously struggled with self acceptance and guilt and shame.
sigh
I’ve just kicked the crap out of my own hurt butt at a two hour double gym sesh. It worked. You do something good for yourself too. I might do a facemask later and stick on Barbie…
I’m sober/clean addict, child of alcoholic parents. I got clean of drugs through NA program. I’ve been clean for 8 and half years. PTSD has been keep on giving all these years… now I’ve been working ACA program and meetings. I’ts hard and emotional road. I’m going to psychotherapy now too and hope it helps me get balanced. Thanks for starting this thread❤️
So do you think with the patriarchal system and jockeying for resources, those from societies that are more male-dominant and lower socio-economic, the prevalence of narcissistic tendencies would be higher with women overall? Or do the circumstances create a greater/less intensity with a varying circumstatntial environment? This is very interesting to me. My brothers felt her wrath in a different way. The attacks on me were direct. Theirs were passive aggressive and after dad passed, just plain neglectful. So this is very interesting to me because I feel its part of the healing. Trying to understand why she had her actions helps me wrap my brain around painful episodes.
@Tragicfarinelli Thank you so much for your kind words. It is indeed all about breaking the cycle. But, I always told myself, if I ever would be a mom, I would have to do anything and everything to prevent to damage my child in any way possible. Because I know what that’s like. I will never forgive myself for the hurt I caused my daughter by drinking. She’s still very young, but, those young years are so important. I have tried to explain in “ baby language “ to her that mommy is sober now and will wake every day and try to stay that way. I have apologized at great length to her as well. She’s four so doesn’t really comprehend everything. But, she said “ It’s ok mommy, everything will be ok.” It’s not ok that I have been a drunk, I am 47 and should have know better. It should have all stopped when I got pregnant and entered motherhood. I will never forgive myself for that and hold myself accountable for the effect it has had on her. I read in another part that you have struggled with self acceptance because you are a gay woman. I tell my daughter always this: “ you are perfect the way you are, let no one ever tell you differently. You can love who you would like to love when you are older. Daddy will proudly walk you down the aisle whether it’s a groom or beautiful bride waiting for you at the end of the aisle “ Same goes for you, never doubt there’s anything wrong or you are not a perfect daughter. You choosing what makes you happy is all that matters. Tons of people world wide feel this way. I am so happy to hear you are so strong to love who you want to love. Love is truly all that matters. People who think differently in my mind personally perhaps don’t understand the meaning of love.
Thank you so much. Boundaries are so important i think, when it comes to having to deal with this as an adult. The narcissist uses boundaries as a weapon and we get pretty f’ed up by that. Once we learn to say NOPE that’s not happening, we disarm them. This is so infuriating to the narcissist How DARE you take control! But on our end, it is liberating if you can manage the trauma response!
@SoberSassy - great question, it actually had me pause for reflection overnight. I have come to the conclusion that I am not proud of any of my ‘rebellions’, which were really just a teenager fighting for independence or indeed a negative way to regulate my emotions (like being arrested for shoplifting and almost f*cking up my high school education). Most of them were hard-fought and would only result in my mum using them to drive a wedge between my older sister and me because she never rebelled.
(It’s important for me to share that my sister absolutely bore the brunt of the physical abuse that my mum doled out, some of which is burnt into my memories forever.)
I am very happy, in hindsight, that I had the strength and courage at age 17-18 to say ‘enough is enough’ and move out of my mum’s home. It’s the best thing I have ever done and I haven’t looked back since.
This thread brings up a lot of memories that have been locked away for a while so I will continue to share my story in smaller doses, as and when things can be clearly formulated in my head and on paper
Step daughter of a narcissistic step-mother, who has been in our lives since I was a teenager. I am almost 40 and have just come to terms with the fact that she has NPD, as I always excused her behaviour as just her being “crazy” in a quirky, if not upsetting way. I have a lot of work to do around this as I have just been cut off by my family because of her.
.thank you for starting this thread xo.
I’m happy you’re here where you can find people who understand the insanity that is narcissism. 🩷
I’m almost 40 and I’ve only come to terms with it a year or so ago. And in my sobriety it’s all coming back to me with a vengeance.
I look forward to you sharing some of your story with us (if and when you feel up to it)
I’m sorry you’ve had to experience any of that abuse and pain. hugs
I really wouldn’t like to cast any broad net and this one made me think hard. But perhaps so in some circumstances.
For example, in countries where there is zero female autonomy and utmost male dominance, then I feel that there would be (albeit even more reason to develop NPD) less narcissistic tenancies, despite the heavy patriarchy. Is that a complete suppression of ego? I don’t know, but it’s a really interesting question you pose.
I also think that a lot of ‘matriarchal’ family systems, within a clear and broad patriarchal society, exist and they get lovingly labelled as some kind of ‘passionate tight family’, ‘strong involved mothering’. Or even laughed at/celebrated as some kind of acceptable meme/role play of a fiery yet lovely momma cub society. Families where it’s all about the man in reality, but the mother can be incredibly overbearing within her internal family system.
Raymond’s mother in Everybody loves Raymond springs to mind.
Sorry I don’t have a better answer. I reckon you get NPD in every corner and under every rock to be honest, but if there was a study in earnest it would be super interesting to find this out.
@Solange Thank you, your message warmed my heart so much. Believe it or not, it’s validating to hear someone clearly say what you said.
Your little one is still so very young! I don’t remember much from being four years old or less (in my story anyway), that all came later on… You have a whole journey ahead of you in that little girl’s life to enjoy and love and express freedom and teach her all the beauty and safety of expression; to have no fears about being herself in whatever shape that takes. You got this.
Yes, this makes sense to me. If it’s to the extreme, then the expectations would change and therfore the behaviors. So, how it would be portrayed by society or even shown in public vs private would be different, although still there. Very much like a female enabling an alcoholic husband is not only allowed, but expected, in certain Asian cultures. But the behaviors of enabling are still the same.
Thank you for sharing the article also! I am going to share it with my son. We’ve had a few discussions about this! I do think society is moving in a positive direction when it comes to greater equity. But we still have a ways to go for sure.
It is my civic duty to help protect the future of life against the likes of Andrew Tate. What is so sad in all this is that disconnections are forged even stronger by these hurt and crazy humans. We should be trying the whole route of togetherness and vulnerability; sharing and growing. Isolation is literally a killer in my eyes. It’s where all the damp and harmful stuff goes to fester and hide and thrive.
I dream of equity. Good on you for sharing with your son, it’s empowering!
I am starting a six week programme tonight based on reclaiming my inner truths and power and championing my inner self. I am hopeful that I can really get something magical out of this connection with a community group rather than screaming into the void of support that I have felt all my life.
Having a mother like I did, and a father like I did, was really not good for the system. I’ve fostered so many learned behaviours that have crippled me emotionally. The repetitive cycle of abuse over 42 years certainly took it’s toll on my nervous system.
Showing up for myself has caused the biggest disconnect in my current life, and I truly believe it’s yet to click inside myself that I deserve peace and joy and compassion.
I feel like I have a reflective forcefield that just wants to politely host a thought or advice or concept on the surface, then my true vulnerable self inside repeatedly makes an Irish goodbye, every time. Oil and water acceptance is my reaction to compliments, assurance and positive reinforcement, leaving me actually always more uncertain and worried and ready to just bail on situations. What if they are just saying that? I gaslight myself nonstop. I usually overthink every single sentence and set of words to the point that I’ve usually tied myself into knots, and I honestly can’t get out, so I just am paralysed in doubt and distrust and hurt. Then I start to sort of dislike that person in order to protect myself and remain distant and intact, thus gaslighting myself further into complete and absolute distrust of anything real and true. It’s exhausting.
My intention over the next six weeks is to trust more, to invite pause and grace, to harness self acceptance and love rather than seeking it. I want to learn self soothing and self love. I want to believe every person who says something nice or good to me. I want to be authentic in my voice and have confidence that I’m enough and that I’m important. For me to truly onboard those concepts -rather than nodding and shedding them - would be remarkable.
I know it’s not easy, but you’re showing up for yourself the way they never did.
You’re doing the work and I truly hope you’re proud of yourself.
You deserve this. 🩷
. That’s another story altogether, but her abuse towards that aspect of my life has been utterly damaging to my own detriment; I’ve seriously struggled with self acceptance and guilt and shame.
