I’m wondering if anyone has any suggestions or advice for ways to separate from the emotional burden that our addictions caused those that love us. For example, I’m having a really hard time (still very early in recovery), not feeling overwhelmingly horrible when my partner talks to me about his sadness around my addiction. I feel like it is immediately something I need to solve for him or explain away rather than letting him actually have the space to feel it. I know his emotions are valid, completely, and I know that me jumping to solve them for him is really just to solve the discomfort for myself…how did you stop doing this?
12 Likes
I can relate to the feeling, it’s natural to care about our partner’s feelings and want to help them through it. Some people here have suggest programs like Al Anon or Narc Anon which is designed for the partners of addicts/alcoholic to help them process their own feelings and thoughts. I don’t have personal experience with that though. One thing I might suggest is to shift your focus back to your recovery in your own mind and in conversations with them. Maybe say something like, “All I can do now is move forward and show you that I am working my hardest on getting better.” Really, we speak with our actions. Time helps heal and if you are giving him daily proof of your seriousness in recovering, over time their feelings may get better. Give them concrete examples of what you’re doing actively to stay sober. Another option (maybe after you have some more time under your belt) is couples counseling. That can help you BOTH process the emotions around this.
I wish you the best and remember to focus your attention and what you’re doing for your recovery. Don’t let guilt or shame weasel their way in because they are often sobriety saboteurs.
5 Likes
One last thought. You can acknowledge their feelings without trying to fix them. Saying things like “I hear you saying that you feel xyz” So they know you’re getting it, and give them space to correct you if you’re not on target. Sometimes we don’t know exactly what someone is actually feeling. And that it’s okay for them to feel that way.
4 Likes
I think the best thing you can do is try to listen without getting defensive. It sounds like he wants to be heard, while you want to fix it and get past it. I totally understand. Some times, I need to let my wife express her anger or sadness while I just listen. There isn’t anything I can do to change the past. Later, I might try to remind my wife that I validate her feelings, that I am working to change, and that I know it will take time to rebuild her trust in me.
4 Likes
This is your ego speaking to you, trying to deflect from the issue at hand. Worry about your own battle with addiction. Be accountable for your actions. At the same time don’t let your partner drag you through the mud to much for past mistakes. This is were Alanon or a similar program would be helpful for them.
Best wishes to you and congrats on choosing a better life!
3 Likes
Al-Anon is a great program for people who have been affected by loved ones that are addicts. Whether they are drinking or not. It’s a family disease. And we all could use a little help in the recovery department.
Al-Anon has helped me recover from my wife’s and children’s addiction. It saved my marriage.
2 Likes
As suggested Al-Anon meetings would help wish you well
1 Like
@rkckr if you start working the 12 steps of NA/AA there is steps 8/9 when you make amends to people we have wronged. Why not start working a program? Or maybe you already are. Try going to meetings and getting a sponsor. That’s what I would suggest.
2 Likes
Yep it is the Best Thing. However for me I have had to learn this and practice numerous times a day. I am no master but it calms many a conflict down for me anyway. Great advice!
1 Like